The Horribly Contrived Quest

(Part One of the Hero's Destiny Tetralogy. No longer updated.)

In world most people stumble through life, paying no heed to the forces that drive them. Money, love, fame... everybody is driven by something. But there are some who have no need for such trivial things. There are some that have plucked by God’s own hand to follow his path blindly, unaware of the consequences. Few realise they are doing it, but none can stop the hand of fate leading them through life to whatever goal has been chosen for them. There are those who try to resist its pull, struggling to live their own life. Little do they or any of us realise there is no fighting it. Out own fighting has been planned and known as part of our fate. There are those who don’t care what happens to them, and just let fate take its course. In the end they gain no reward, and are only glad that that their bonds have been freed, that they can go their own way again. Fewer still, but blessed above all others, are those that strive along their path, determined to succeed. Those few are truly chosen by fate to fulfil the ancient scriptures, to complete the boldest tasks, to carry out their destiny with honour and pride...

“We’re lost again aren’t we?” Grayson complained, looking around at the forest around them. Maybe it was just him, but the area looked pretty much the same as wherever the heck they were a few hours ago. Then again, in a forest as large and uninteresting as this, everywhere looked the same. Still, Grayson could have sworn it looked even more the same here.

“Define ‘lost’,” Peter countered predictably. Grayson stared at Peter for a moment. Despite being friends and travelling together on many occasions, he couldn’t help but get agitated at his companions laid back and generally irritating nature.

“Lost, as in you have no idea where we are, you have no idea where we are going and you have no way of finding out where we are. Lost,” Grayson replied.

“Ah, see that’s where you’re wrong. I know exactly where we are, I know precisely where we are going, and I can easily use my ranger skills to determine where we are,” Peter said confidently.

“Yeah, I’m sure you do. But I don’t suppose you’d care to reveal these to me,” Grayson said.

“Oh ye of little faith. We are, in fact, in the forest of Aryge. And we are heading towards the Tsign path,” Peter explained.

“Wow... I’m actually kinda impressed that you know the names of the places we’re in for once,” Grayson said, surprised. With Peter relying on Paul’s map, Grayson had taken it for granted that nobody had any idea of where they were, other than it was a forest or an icy plain. Which was kind of weird when it was the middle of summer, but Grayson had long since learnt not to ask questions like that.

“Well of course I know the names of the places we travel? Would do you think I am, stupid or something?” Peter laughed. The two were silent for a moment, then Peter continued. “Anyway, this forest was where my grandfather died last year. He lived on the edge of the Tsign path, and I was going to visit him, but kind of came across his dead body on the way.”

“O-oh. That’s pretty bad. What happened?” Grayson asked.

“I told you before remember? In the pub on Christmas?” Peter said. Grayson scratched his head.

“Uh... nope I can’t exactly remember much,” Grayson said.

“Oh come on! I was crying on your shoulder at one point. You swore on your life blood you’d never forget and one day seek revenge on whoever killed him? The whole bar was totally watching you!” Peter recounted.

“Oh wait... oh no, I remember now. I got drunk off my ass. So... yeah. Anyway if you know where we are going, shouldn’t we have been out of the forest like, yesterday?” Grayson asked, changing the subject.

“Not necessarily. The forest is larger than it was before,” Peter said.

“What do you mean ‘larger’?” Grayson asked.

“The trees keep growing, so of course it’s going to get larger!” Peter explained.

“Peter, trees take time to grow. They’re not just going to appear overnight,” Grayson said matter-of-factly. Just as he said this a giant tree appeared in front of the two, seemingly out of nowhere. Peter squealed in pain as a root crushed his foot. A few seconds later the tree vanished again.

“Uh... that was unexpected,” Grayson said in shock.

“You know, my foot really hurts about now,” Peter said, rubbing his boot. A moment later a decapitated head appeared in mid air, and fell down upon Peter’s foot.

“OW, that... huh?” Peter exclaimed, seeing the, still living, head in the dirt.

“Aw, crap. My body’s missing isn’t it?” the head said, looking up at Peter and Grayson.

“Uh... yeah it is,” Grayson said.

“Damn! This is the problem with trans-dimensional magic, got to stay focused during the incantation. Bloody Orgoth and his stupid humming... Hey, you are Pete and Gary aren’t you?” the head asked.

“Pete! Pete! A true hero such as myself deserves their full name recited at every opportunity,” Peter said, taking a bow. The head nodded.

“Good, good. Unfortunately my recall spell will be kicking in any moment, so could you please take my... uh hair, I guess,” the head said. Grayson shrugged and reached for the head’s hair, lifting it into the air.

“AAH! I meant just touch it!!” the head screamed. Grayson quickly put the head down and laid a hand on its hair. Peter did so to. The three waited for a moment.

“So is something supposed to...” Grayson. Suddenly he felt a blinding pain over his whole body. He felt as though his body was trying to pull itself apart, and then everything went black. Then everything went white and Grayson felt a hot pain across his body. An instant later he opened his eyes and found himself in some kind of wizard’s laboratory. He could see Peter standing next to him, and a tall middle-aged man dressed in black and white robes in front of them. Grayson was surprised to see, of all things, an ogre standing nearby, holding a brightly burning candle. Grayson also noticed a break in the roof, where a familiar tree was poking through.

“Ah, that feels better. Now, I believe I have some explaining to do?” the wizard said.

“Yes. Yes you do,” Grayson said, while Peter looked around in amazement at the various scrolls, books, potions and other miscellaneous magical items around the room.

“First of all, my name. I am Dick, the head mage for this here city, and heir to the Head fortune,” Dick said, bowing slightly. Peter frowned in thought for a moment.

“Fortune? What type of fortune? You know we ought to be compensated for being dragged across here. I think a fortune should provide...” Grayson began, going slightly star-eyed.

“I am sure you will be compensated and reward well by the king... once you have fulfilled the ancient prophecy,” Dick said.

“Ancient prophecy?” Grayson repeated questioningly.

“Yes. You have been brought to this world by my magic by the order of the king. Your coming was apparently foretold by the scriptures, but the king thought it best to... speed up the process. Anyway, I have a copy of the prophecy here,” Dick said, taking a scroll from a shelf and unrolling it.

“And thus spake the might lord, ‘For one day thy devil shall walk upon the earth. And in the days that follow many a chicken shall be slaughtered needless, followed soon by the also needless slaughtering of many a cow, many a dog, many a cat, many a fly and many a mosquito. And yes, while this may at the time seem not such a bad thing, it shall mark the beginning of the Apocalypse! Yes, yes, I think you get the point there. Uh... let’s see... Oo I love this bit: And fire shall rain down upon the earth like that of a volcano, but bigger and... more dangerous, this God guy isn’t especially good with metaphors is he? Anyway, this is the bit you’ll be interested in: And all this destruction shall be completely and utterly unstoppable, inevitable, irreversible and completely unchangeable in any way shape or form... Unless the two heroes, Pete and Gary, whom shall appear in the forest blah, blah, dates and times and the like And only if they succeed in completing the trials of the Hero’s Destiny, that have been and so and so forth. So anyway, I think that clears the matters up,” Dick said, discarding the scroll into a heap of others in the corner of the room. Which just happened to be in the fire.

“Heroes? That doesn’t sound much like us,” Grayson said.

“What are you talking about? We are so heroes. Have you already forgotten about how I heroically slew the Ice Cube Monster? Or the way I bravely lead us through the forest?” Peter said.

“You shot it with a salt arrow, yeah, that’s really heroic. We haven’t even slain a dragon yet,” Grayson pointed out.

“Wait... so you two haven’t actually managed to kill anything powerful?” Dick asked.

“Of course! What do you take us for, weak?” Peter laughed, followed by an awkward pause.

“Yeah, we pretty much haven’t actually done anything... well, heroic as yet. But I’m sure with our weapons we should be able to take on anything!” Grayson said, waving his glowy sword for emphasis.

“Ah. There could be a slight problem then,” Dick said.

“A problem? What kind of a problem? We heroes can take on anything!” Peter said eagerly.

“Well according to the prophecy...” Dick said, reaching again for the scroll. “Oh, right. Anyway basically after all the trials and stuff you actually have to send the devil back to hell. Which pretty much means you have to kill him.”

“Oh. Oh in that there is no way in hell we are going. We don’t need your fortune we can get out own,” Grayson said, making for the exit.

“Interesting choice of words,” Dick said, rolling his eyes.

“What about the fortune? We could live like... like... GODS for the rest of our lives!” Peter said.

“Which isn’t going to do us much good if we die, Peter,” Grayson said.

“Hmmm... good point,” Peter considered.

“You don’t actually have much of a choice,” Dick said.

“What do you mean ‘don’t have a choice’,” Grayson said, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

“Well... For me to summon you here took a lot of time, effort, and rather expensive magic components. If you turn out not to be the great heroes Pete and Gary, that would mean you had wasted all of our time, effort, and really, really expensive magic components. So, according to the logic of the law, you have actually stolen that time, effort and you-wouldn’t-even-begin-to-guess expensive magic components. And the punishment for stealing worth-more-than-the-whole-kingdom-put-together magic components is death without a fair trial,” Dick explained.

“WHAT?! You have got to be kidding me!” Grayson exclaimed. Dick shook his head.

“Nope. If I were you I’d get out there are go on those trials. Who knows, you might fluke them,” Dick said.

“Okay. That’s it. We’re doomed. We might as well go outside and surrender now,” Grayson said.

“It’s not that bad. We’re heroes remember? We can do this easily! It is our duty... no, our destiny!” Peter said, drawing his bow. He walked over to the door and threw it open dramatically. Just as he was about to stride out Dick spoke.

“Uh... Peter?” Dick said. Peter stopped and turned around.

“Yeah?” Peter asked.

“A bit of advice... you might want to know what the trials are first,” Dick said.

“Oh. Oh... right. Okay then,” Peter said, going back inside.

“Right. The first trial of the Hero’s Destiny is to cross the Planes of Inevitable Destruction. If you manage to survive this gruelling feet or endurance, you have to cross the Bridge of Pain and Terror, guarded by the Inflictor. If somehow you pass this incredibly powerful foe, you must pass through the Mountain Path of Doom and Also Falling Rocks. If you actually manage to fluke your way through that, you have to ascend the Utterly Unascendable Deadly Pinnacle of Death. Then you have to kill the devil,” Dick explained, ticking of the trials on his fingers.

“Sooo... Do you have any maps?” Peter asked.

“I think so...” Dick said, rummaging around in the scrolls. Eventually he pulled one out. “Here we go. Map-making isn’t very common around here, but this short guy called Paul donated one a few years back. It’s a pretty good map.” Peter took the map, and Grayson peered over his shoulder.

“You have GOT to be kidding me. That’s just the same map we already have!” Grayson pointed out.

“It’s not exactly the same,” Peter said, comparing the two maps, “This one seems to have a different city marked here.”

“These two worlds a parallel,” Dick explained, “So the chances are the natural terrain will be very similar in most aspects.”

“Well it still sucks just as much,” Grayson complained.

“Anyway, here are a few gold coins to buy supplies. Since a huge group of cows and dogs have been killed recently, you don’t have too much time. Though mosquitoes are really getting annoying lately so... don’t hurry too much,” Dink said, handing Peter a few gold coins. Grayson shrugged and the two left the building into the city outside.

“You think maybe we should be spending this gold on... well... supplies?” Peter asked, taking another chug from his glass.

“Probably. But come on, we’ve got enough gold to get drunk on and buy some rations,” Grayson reasoned, draining what was left of the beer. “Bar maid! Another two here!”

“I dunno. Not that this beer isn’t great and all, but shouldn’t we be getting on with the trials? We can’t become infamous drinking. Unless we set some kind of record for the biggest hangover. I wonder what that is anyway?” Peter said.

“I’m sorry, I think you’ve had enough,” the barmaid said.

“We’ve what?” Grayson asked in disbelief.

“We have a strict policy here. No one is allowed to get drunk. So I’m not allowed to sell you any more beer,” the barmaid explained.

“You have got to be kidding me. I need more beer,” Grayson said.

“I could sell you a coffee, or you try one of our delicious varieties of fruit drinks!” the barmaid suggested.

“Okay, that’s it. I think my senses have been suitably dulled to the point where I won’t run screaming from the next monster we see. It’s time to go become heroes,” Grayson said, heading off towards the exit. It took him a second before he realised that Peter wasn’t following.

“Do you have grape flavour? What about that icy fruit frosty thing... you know, what’s it called?” Peter asked eagerly.

“Peter!” Grayson called in annoyance.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming,” Peter said, following him out the bar.

Grayson stared out at the emptiness in front of him. According to the map, for all the use it was, this was the front of the Planes of Inevitable Destruction. Though from where Grayson stood it looked like it should have been called the Planes of Inevitable Boredom.

“Are you sure this is the right place? Cause I dunno about you, but I don’t see too much destruction here. Unless you count death by boredom, but I don’t think that’s the idea somehow,” Grayson said.

“Of course it’s the right place. Have I ever led us the wrong way before?” Peter asked.

“Yes, you have. Just about every time I ever go anywhere with you lead us the wrong way. Heck I remember a few years ago you got us lost just when you took the lead down the bar. I didn’t get a beer for an extra two hours,” Grayson recounted.

“Okay, maybe that was a bad example. But anyway I’m pretty sure this is the place. According to the map...” Peter began, looking at the map.

“Look, just forget about the map okay? Paul’s map is not going to help us. Paul’s map is never going to help us. Now let’s just the hell on with our trials!” Grayson said.

“What’s got you so edgy?” Peter asked.

“I am NOT edgy I’m just...” Grayson said, stepping forward into the Plains. As he did so he felt a rumbling under the sand. “Wait, can you feel that?”

“Feel what? All I can feel is the wind on my skin, the dull thump of my bow knocking against my side, a bit thirsty after being kicked out of that bar...” Peter began listing. He was interrupted by a huge creature appearing out of the sand. The creature looked a lot like a centipede, but it was yellow all over, with dozens of sharp claws and rather nasty looking set up teeth. Oh, and it was about five times as long as Grayson.

Grayson swore out loud and jumped backwards the sandworm’s teeth slammed into the ground next to him, tunnelling back underground.

“What the heck was that?” Grayson exclaimed.

“Ooh I know this one. I think it’s a sandworm. They’re like worms, but... bigger. Oh yeah, and they have pointy claws and like to eat people and stuff. But they can only live in sand,” Peter recalled, as the sandworm dug out and again and began thrashing around almost upright at the edge of the sand. Peter laughed. “Don’t you think it look a bit like your p...”

“NO! No, Peter I don’t. Now how are we supposed to get passed this thing?” Grayson interjected.

“I’m not sure... I don’t think my arrows are going to even pierce that thing’s skin,” Peter said. Grayson stared at the sandworm, struggling to reach them from the sand.

“Ah, forget it. We can just go around. I’m sure no ones going to notice,” Grayson said shrugging, starting to walk around the sand. “I’m sure even you can’t get us lost following the edge of this place.”

“Yeah, I guess. So anyway, did you see the way that bar maid was looking at you? She totally has the hots for you. You should ask her out on a date,” Peter said.

“Err... aren’t you forgetting we’re supposed to be completely our ‘Hero’s Destiny’ thing? And I still want to slay that dragon. You can never have too much gold after all,” Grayson said, ignoring the frantic struggling of the sandworm only metres away from him.

“Yeah, but she was HOT! You could have at least...” Peter began, but sadly Grayson never got to hear what exactly he could at least have done.

<HELLO! God, what are you blind or something?> A strange voice said into Grayson and Peter’s heads.  They both looked at each in bewilderment for a moment, then turn slowly to face the frustrated sandworm. <Yes, me. Well done. God, PLEASE tell me you aren’t the two heroes?>

“Er... yeah that’s us,” Grayson said. The sandworm shook its head.

<I swear, when I die and go to heaven I am so going to tell that God a thing or two,> the sandworm complained telepathically.

“You’re a sandworm,” Peter said.

<Oh gee, really? Thanks I hadn’t noticed!> the sandworm said sarcastically.

“So how do you have telepathic capabilities? Sandworms barely have enough intelligence to mate!” Peter pointed out.

<My jaws are made for crunching pesky little heroes like you, not talking. How else am I supposed to communicate? Sign language?> the sandworm said, waving its many clawed feet for emphasis.

“That’s not the point! You can’t just arbitrarily start using telepathic communication with no real grounds for doing so!” Peter argued.

“Uh... does it really matter?” Grayson said.

<How am I supposed to DO anything then? You’ll just run off! Last time I tried communicating non-verbally you decide just to go get lost!> the sandworm argued, raising its ‘voice’.

“What do you mean ‘lost’? It’s a plane! I can hardly get lost around the edges of it can I? Plus I’ve got a map!” Peter said, stepping forward angrily.

<What, Paul’s map? You’d be lucky if you could find your own feet with that map!> the sandworm scoffed.

“Hey! Excuse me? Would it kill you to stop arguing, you know just for a minute?” Grayson said.

“I know exactly where my feet are? Why the... uh... uh-oh,” Peter said, looking downwards. Grayson looked down and found that he and Peter had accidentally stepped back into the planes... and into what looked like quick sand. They were both up to their knees in it, and sinking rather quickly.

<Exactly. Now shut up and listen or I’ll let you sink to your Inevitable Destruction,> the sandworm said. It paused for a moment, then hearing no objections continued. <Right then. First of all, I’m not actually a sandworm at all. Or at least, I wasn’t. I used to be a powerful mage. Which is why I have telepathic powers, by the way.>

“You just made that up then!” Peter objected. The sandworm hummed a small tune for a moment while Peter and Grayson continued to sink into the sand. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry!”

<I thought so. Now I had heard of this whole ‘prophecy’ thing before, but thought it was a load of crap. When a sudden firestorm took the lives of all the cows in my farm, I was pretty pissed. So I went off in search of this Devil. I just ignored the trials, and used magic to pinpoint the location of the Devil and teleport there. But... well... To use the technical term, I got my ass handed to me on a plate. And then devil thought it would be HILARIOUS to, instead of killing me, turn me into a sandworm. Needless to say, I am somewhat irritated at my current predicament. However I know a bit, well actually a lot, about the magic she...> the sandworm recalled.

“Wait... she? The Devil is female?” Grayson interrupted. “You got beaten by a girl?”

<And you got beaten by a worm. Anyway, the spell she used needs continual energy put towards it, so once she dies the spell will be void. As such, I can offer you some help and advice. For the help, I can carry you across the Planes without harm. Or Destruction. And as for the advice... the devil is tricky. Don’t be fooled by appearances. And for god’s sake get some new shoes. Those ones are falling apart,> the sandworm said. With that, it reached forward and carefully pulled Peter and Grayson out of the sand and flung them onto its back with its teeth.

“My shoes aren’t that bad...” Peter said, staring at his worn boots.

“Peter, the sole is almost falling off. You could just miss out on maybe three beers at the pub, and by yourself a replacement,” Grayson said, staring out at the Planes whooshing past them.

“These shoes have sentimental value!” Peter objected.

Several hours later Peter, Grayson and the sandworm finally reached the end of the Planes, where the sand stopped abruptly to be replaced by another plane... but this one full of lush green grass and various flowers dotted across the place.

<This is, just in case you haven’t noticed, as far as I can go,> the sandworm said, shaking Peter and Grayson off painfully into the sand. <And I swear, if you come back before killing that thrice-cursed devil I will personally rip your heads off, prophecy or no.> With that the sandworm dug into the sand and disappeared.

“So... I guess we’d better get going then,” Grayson said, setting off over the green grass. “Which way is the bridge from here?”

“No, no... you’re supposed to say the Bridge,” Peter corrected.

“Huh?” Grayson asked.

“Nevermind. Anyway, according to this map... what?” Peter said as Grayson groaned.

“Just go on,” Grayson said.

“The Bridge of Pain and Terror should be only a few miles that way,” Peter said, pointing back towards the Planes.

“Right,” Grayson said, and promptly set off in the opposite direction.

“Hey, hey uh, Grayson!” Peter called. After a few moments he sighed and walked after him.

It didn’t take long before the grassy plains became less... grassy and more rocky. Eventually the flowers and grass stopped altogether and Peter and Grayson were walking across rocky terrain. These rocks got more and more uneven, until finally they reached the edge of a huge cliff. About a hundred metres away was another cliff, this one leading to even more and more rocks, which looked like they lead up to a mountain. Nearby a long rickety bridge crossed the chasm.

“This’ll be the bridge then,” Grayson said.

“I wonder where the Inflictor is? What is an Inflictor anyway?” Peter wondered. Grayson shrugged, and stepped onto the Bridge. As he did so he felt a jarring pain in his foot and stepped back swearing. He looked downwards, and saw (what was left of) the Bridge was covered with sharp rusty nails.

“Oh I get it. If we look down we’ll be in Terror, but if we don’t we’ll step on the nails and suffer Pain,” Grayson considered. Shrugging, he stepped forward back onto the bridge, carefully avoiding the nails.

“WHO DARES PASS MY BRIDGE?!” a booming voice suddenly rang out. Grayson looked around, and saw a monster flying through the air from below. After a moment it crashed into the bridge, causing it wobble worryingly.

“Hey look Grayson, it’s a troll!” Peter said eagerly. Grayson looked the monster up and down.

“I dunno, it looks a bit more like a giant to me. Maybe a child giant,” Grayson considered.

“No, look at its feet. Giants don’t have feet like that,” Peter pointed out.

“Hmm... I guess you’re right there. But then again trolls don’t have feet like that either,” Grayson replied.

“Maybe this one’s just a mutant or something. I mean, come on. It looks like a troll,” Peter said.

“AHEM!!” the monster coughed loudly. “WHO DARES PASS MY BRIDGE?!”

“Oh right, right. Say, you don’t suppose you’d mind telling us what you are?” Grayson asked.

“I AM  THE INFLICTOR! CREATOR OF A THOUSAND WOUNDS, SOURCE OF A HUNDRED NIGHTMARES, AND TYPIST OF A THOUSANDS CAPS!” the Inflictor called.

“Yeah okay, we got that. But are you a troll?” Peter asked.

“YOU WILL ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, WEAKLINGS!!” the Inflictor yelled angrily.

“Okay. I’m Grayson. And this is Peter. Now get the hell out of the way or I shall inflict a painful death on you,” Grayson said with a lot more confidence than he felt.

“IF IT REALLY MATTERS SO MUCH, YES, I AM A TROLL. BUT YOU TRY JUMPING OVER A HUNDRED METRES UP EVER DAY AND SEE WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR FEET!” the Inflictor replied. “NOW FLEE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!”

“Wait, we don’t actually have to fight. That Dick guy only said we had to pass you,” Peter pointed out. “Hey... wait a minute...” Peter suddenly burst out into fits of laughing.

“What the hell?” Grayson said, watching Peter teeter over the bridge, barely staying on. The Inflictor also stared at Peter.

“That guy’s name... ha-ha-ha... it... hee-hee... was Dick Head... heh...” Peter barely got out.

“HILARIOUS. NOW, PREPARE TO PERISH!” the Inflictor said, drawing a dark glowing sword. Grayson quickly drew his own sword. Peter seemed to be too busy recovering from his fits of laughter to focus on drawing his weapon.

“Bring it,” Grayson taunted, falling back into a fighting pose. The Inflictor roared loudly and began to slowly, carefully advance on Grayson, avoiding the rusty nails. Just when Grayson we getting ready to make his move, the Inflictor suddenly stopped.

“DID YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING?” the Inflictor asked.

“Uh... no,” Grayson said, suspecting this to be some kind of ploy.

“I... heh... didn’t say anything either,” Peter said, calming down somewhat.

“WAIT, THERE IT WAS AGAIN!” the Inflictor said in annoyance. “SOMEONE SAID SOMETHING LIKE ‘IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I’VE SEEN YOU, PAT!’”

“Are you sure you’re not imagining it?” Grayson asked.

“NO!! I SWEAR, SOME PEOPLE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION IN MY HEAD!!!” the Inflictor roared in annoyance and frustration. “THIS IS YOUR FAULT!” With that, the Inflictor charged towards Grayson, ignoring the nails that poked into its feet. Grayson raised his weapon high, ready to strike...

...and then just as the Inflictor got within striking range dived to the side and started sprinting over the bridge behind him. Peter quickly followed, and the two ran away over the rocks ignoring the Inflictor’s furious bellows.

It didn’t take too long for Peter and Grayson to reach the Mountain Path of Doom and Also Falling Rocks. Not surprisingly, the path began to lead up the tall mountain they had sighted previously. By the time they had reached there though darkness was beginning to fall.

“Wow. You know it didn’t take long for us to reach this Mountain Path. And I have to say, I’m not really surprised it leads up this mountain we saw earlier. It’s kind of a pity that it’s getting dark though,” Grayson said.

“Wow... I suddenly have this really strange feeling of deja vu,” Peter said, scratching his head.

“Come on, if we hurry we might be able to reach the top by sundown,” Grayson said, heading up the Path. Peter followed. For a few minutes the two were silent, then Peter spoke again.

“I wonder why they call it the Mountain Path of Doom and Also Falling Rocks? You’d think there would be some... well... rocks falling,” Peter considered.

“You’d think so wouldn’t you?” Grayson replied.

“Maybe the Falling Rocks part is metaphorical. Maybe it represents Falling spirits. Or perhaps Falling fists, like as in fighting. Or maybe Falling hopes. Or perhaps it stands for kicking Rocks,” Peter said.

“Or maybe Falling asleep. Does it really matter?” Grayson said.

An hour later it was well and truly darkness, though the stars and almost-but-not-quite full moon lit up the land, and Peter and Grayson had reached the end of the Path. Before them stood the Utterly Unascendable Deadly Pinnacle of Death. The Pinnacle was very high, perhaps three hundred metres or more, though it was hard to tell in the darkness. The sides of the Pinnacle were round, completely smooth, and seemingly unclimbable.

“Okay, that was strangely, freakishly, bone-chillingly easy,” Grayson said, looking back at the Mountain Path. Not once during their travels had anything tried to doom them, or any rocks fallen at all, though Peter had stubbed his exposed toe on one.

“I wonder how we’re supposed to ascend this Pinnacle?” Peter wondered.

“I dunno. I mean, it is supposed to be Utterly Unascendable. Maybe we should just camp here for the night,” Grayson suggested.

“I guess so. Goodnight then,” Peter said, lying down on the least rocky patch of rocks nearby.

“Wait, what about dinner?” Grayson asked. Peter looked around innocently.

“Dinner? What would we need that for?” Peter asked. Grayson frowned.

“Peter, what the hell did you do with our rations,” Grayson asked.

“I... uh... lost them. Um, yeah, that’s right,” Peter replied reluctantly. Grayson held his head in his hands.

“Great. I guess I’ll have to just go hungry. Hey, I wonder what devil tastes like?” Grayson considered.

“Wouldn’t you just love to know?” a cold voice said.

“Uh... Peter did you just say something?” Grayson asked.

“No,” Peter said, staring at him. Grayson was silent for a moment.

“The devil’s behind me isn’t she?” Grayson asked.

“Yes. Yes she is,” Peter replied. Grayson stood still for a moment, then drew his sword and swung around. He was too slow, and the devil raked at him with her claws, sending his sword flying down the Path. Grayson saw the devil and gasped. The devil was... a succubus. Grayson swore, and ran for his sword. Peter readied and arrow and shot, but the arrow just bounced off the succubus’s skin. Peter glared at the succubus, but seeing the succubus’s naked body was suddenly charmed still. Grayson closed his eyes and swung out wildly with closed fists, but he missed completely. The succubus laughed coldly.

“Fools. So you are the heroes that they send to defeat me. You shall make a better snack than those stupid cows,” the succubus said, grabbing Peter and Grayson with claws. The succubus spread her wings, and began to carry the two slowly upwards.

“Hey, let me go! Accursed devil! You’ll regret this!” Grayson said, then suddenly came up with a cunning plan. “Okay fine, you win. But please, whatever you do, don’t fly us down the Mountain Path!”

“Do you honestly think I’m stupid enough to fall for that?” the succubus laughed, flapping her wings harder. “Ugh, do you stupid humans ever exercise?” Soon the succubus had managed to lift Peter and Grayson up to the top of the Pinnacle and dumped them on top of it. Grayson estimated the space at the top was only a few metres in diameter.

“Ha-ha!” Grayson laughed, grabbing Peter’s bow from his still charm-stunned hands. “Now we have completed all five trials of the Hero’s Destiny!”

“Four. There are only four trials,” the succubus pointed out, “But do go on.”

“And now, according to the ancient prophecy we two heroes shall slay you and save the world from the apocalypse!” Grayson said, attempting to shoot an arrow at the succubus, but failing abysmally.

“Oh Devil, you humans are stupid,” the succubus muttered.

“Uh... did you just say devil?” Grayson asked.

“Yes. The Devil is my lord and master, who granted me these powers. You’ll be seeing him shortly in HELL,” the succubus said. Grayson groaned.

“Wait, wait... so we aren’t actually destined to slay you at all?” Grayson asked. The succubus shook her head. Next to Grayson Peter was finally recovering.

“Hey, that’s my bow!” Peter said. Grayson swore. The succubus paced the small platform for a moment, while Peter angrily snatched his bow back from Grayson.

“Okay, I’ve decided that you’re probably too fat to be tasty. I’m not really that hungry after those cows anyway. I’d kill you, but you’re not really worth the effort, and besides you’d probably just get sent to heaven for the afterlife anyway. So I think I’ll just send you STRAIGHT TO HELL!” the succubus said. With the last three words a dark light began emanating around her hands.

“Damn,” Grayson said.

“Exactly,” the succubus replied, and with a dark flash Peter and Grayson were gone.