<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>

Part X: And They're Off!

Previously, on the Legend of Smil:

(>1_1)>        <(õ_õ<)        <(ŏ_ŏ<)

Snakeeyes: Those you have sent out to defeat the Mother Cockroach! You have to stop them RIGHT NOW!

This time, on the Legend of Smil:

                    <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: Oh, great, Dan's back already. I would have thought sending him to look from milk away from the one place guaranteed to have milk would have kept him occupied a little bit longer. *sigh*

                    <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: Three, two, one...

- - -(>[]^_^)>+––                   <(-_-;<)

Dan: STEAAAAA-

(>[]?_?)>+––                   <(<_<<)

Dan: Waaaaaaaait. Where's Bettie?

Dan's Father: She's... uh... somewhere else... now.

(>[]o_o)>+––                   <(o_o<)

Dan: Oh.

(>[]o_o)>+––                   <(o_o<)

(>[]o_o)>+––                   <(o_o<)

(>[]^_^)>+––                   <(o_o<)

Dan: So anyway I was going off on that quest for milk you sent me on and I met this wizard with this COOLEST spell ever and it burnt like fire except it wasn't actually and didn't actually burn as such but it kind of felt like that when he used it on me because I borrowed his milk but I HAD to use you see because of the quest you sent me on and then I went on a quest for chippies since somebody had stolen them but I found it was all actually a government conspiracy because the guards had stolen and eaten them and I tried to take the chippies back out of them but they were all made of iron or something and they threw me into a basement with these other cool guys and I met a nice friendly rat called Ratty - say hello Ratty! - and he chew my ropes open and anyway the mayor decided to send me on quest to save the world from  giant evil cockroach but I can't tell you about how it's threatening the city and the previous sacrifices to it because it's all a secret and so I have to go for a while and I'll see you later and isn't that all great?!

(>[]^_^>+––                   <(o_o<)

(>[]^_^)>+––                  <(o_o<)

(>[]^_^)>+––                   <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: Uh, sure. That's nice. Have a... nice time. Right.

Dan: Okay, bye!

- - -                                   <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: *sigh* Next time I'm just going to try asking him to 'quest' for a donut hole. Without a donut.

                                         <(o_o<)

                                         <(o_o<)

(>b_d)>                            <(O_O<)

X: By the way, you, uh, realise he was actually being serious, right?

Dan's Father: OH [bleep]! DAN!

Meanwhile...

                  †

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: ...and so I ask that you bless us and keep us all in safety through our journey, and even if you were more interesting as random-guy-with-staff, you shall remain forever and ever my Lord. Amen.

                  †    v{-_-v}

(>ô_ô)>   ###

God: Oh for the love of myself...

                  †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: My Lord? I am honoured! Why hath thou-

God: Okay, stop right there.

Lora: Uh, my lord?

                  †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>-_-)>   ###

God: Cut out the damn 'hath' and 'thou' crap. What do I look like, an elder?

Lora: You, uh, are immortal my lord. You have existed since the beginning of time itself.

                    †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>Ô_Ô)>   ###

God: That doesn't mean you have to talk to me like some [bleep]ing retard. Bloody hell, 'thou' mortals 'art' annoying.

Lora: My... my...

                   †    <{\_/v}

(>Ô_ô)>   ###

God: Yes, that's right. I [bleep]ing swore. Cry a river. Build a bridge. Get over it.

Lora: But... the Bible says...

                   †    <{\_/v}

(>Ô_ô)>   ###

God: I don't CARE what the bible says. I didn't write the damn thing. Here's a new commandment for you: Thou shalt not be such a do-gooder sissy.

Lora: I suddenly feel like everything I ever knew has been turned upside down...

                  †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>ô_ô)>   ###

God: Anyway, I didn't appear just to tell you that. I have appeared before you today, Lora, to warn you of a danger that threatens your mission.

Lora: A... danger?

God: Yes. You, are your three chosen companions, must work together to accomplish your mission. However there is one man who hopes to tear about your group at the seams, spreading lies and doubt into your hearts. His name... his Snakeeyes, the False Prophet.

                    †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>Ô_Ô)>   ###

Lora: Snakeeyes! No, it couldn't be! I've known Snakeeyes for years... he is a good man!

God: Once. Once he was a mighty prophet and warrior, but on the day he gained those scars he lost his soul to Satan.

                  †    v{‹›_‹›v}

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: Snakeeyes...

God: Be warned, he shall try and dissuade you from your chosen path. Do not take heed, but be wary also. He is not so feeble as he would have you believe.

                  †    *ka-gone!*

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: I will do as you wish, my Lord.

                  †

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: *sigh* I suppose I had better-

                  †    v{9_9v}

(>ô_ô)>   ###

God: Oh, and one other thing. Stop taking the 'holier than thou' attitude with everyone. Gees. There's only one person allowed to claim they're holier than anyone, and that's ME. So stop with preaching already.

                  †    *ka-gone... again!*

(>ô_ô)>   ###

Lora: ...

Meanwhile... again...

(>b_d)>        <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: So you're saying that that damn Mayor has sent Dan on a suicidal quest just because he was annoying? Wow, and I thought I was being tough sending him on impossible quests.

X: I would hardly call it suicidal

(>b_d)>        <(o_o<)

Dan's Father: Huh? Why?

X: Because I'M going with him, obviously.

(>'O_d)>        <(-_o<)

Dan's Father: Well, I suppose you're alright. Maybe a bit nerdy, but at least you're reasonably well off.

X: What the [bleep]? I'm not DATING him! I'm only going in the aid of ultimate cosmic domination!

Dan's Father: Uh-huh.

(>;b_d)>        <(o_o<)

X: So, uh, on a completely unrelated matter... why do you call your cow Bettie?

Dan's Father: What do you mean, why do I call Bettie Bettie? It's her name!

(>b_d)>        <(9_9<)

X: But isn't the traditional name of cows, if that IS her real race, 'Bessie'?

Dan's Father: Bah, 'Bessie'. What kind of an uncreative name is that?

(>-_-)>        <(o_O<)

X: But you just moved one letter forward in the alphabet by one. That's not even remotely creative.

Dan's Father: What are you talking about? Bettie is a very creative name! And Bettie loves it!

X: I bet the Eragon fans are loving you right now...

Later...

(>o.o)>    <(\_/<)    (vô_ô)v

X: Eternal damnation be upon him, what is taking Dan so long?!

Sneak: Why are we not leaving him behind again?

Lora: We... must wait.

(>o.o)>    (>\_/)>    (vô_ô)v

X: And eternal damnation be upon YOU, why are you being so frustratingly uncaring?!

Lora: Everything I ever thought I knew has been turned upon its head...

X: THAT'S NO EXCUSE!

(>-.-)>    <(\_/<)    (vô_ô)v

Sneak: Oh, be quiet. What is your problem anyway?

X: And eternal damnation be upon YOU, I bet YOU were the one who took my tome of Giant's Step!

(>o.-)>    <(\_/<)    (vô_ô)v

Sneak: It's just a damn book, calm down already.

X: Just a damn book?! JUST A DAMN BOOK?! The magic in the tome would have increased our travelling speed tenfold! Ultimate cosmic domination will not wait!

(>9.9)>    <(\_/<)    (vô_ô)v

Sneak: Whatever. I didn't take it.

X: LIKE HELL YOU DIDN'T!

(>O.o)>     (>\_/)>   (vô_ô)v        o--<{\_/<}

God: WILL YOU MORTALS BE QUIET?! Some Gods are trying to have their beauty sleep up here!

X: And eternal damnation upon you too for creating such UTTER MORONS as Dan!

God: Excuse me? WHO's the God here? WHO has the power to eternally damn people?

(>;o.o)>     (>\_/)>   v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

X: Why on Asdfgh would you waste your valuable omnipotence bringing into existence such completely pointless and infuriatingly pathetic beings such as Dan when you could be spending time on less mind-dead Smils such as myself?!

Lora: Uh, X...

X: No, wait, let me guess. He's behind me right? GOOD! It will save me having to repeat myself for his benefit later!

(>o.o)>     (>b_d)>   v(ô_ôv)       o--<{‹›_‹›<}

God: Actually he's above you.

X: Wait, what?

                                '  '  '

                    ^(^_^)^

(>O.o)>     (>'O_O')>   v(ô_Ôv)       o--<{‹›_{}<}

Dan: WHEE!

(>;o.o)>     v(;_;)v    v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

              *THUMP!*

Dan: Ow.

(>;o.o)>     v(;_;)v    v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

(>;o.o)>     v(o_o)v    v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

(>;o.o)>     (>o_o)>    v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

(>;o.o)>     (>n_n)>    v(ô_ô;v)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

Dan: That was fun. I want to-

X: YOU HAVE THREE SECONDS TO GET OFF ME OR SO HELP ME GOD YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU WERE BORN!!

(>9.9)>     (>\_/)>    <(o_O<)    v(ô_ôv)       o--<{‹›_‹›;<}

Sneak: Well 90° off wasn't too much

Dan: X? What are you doing under there?

God: You mortals are crazy. I'm out of here.

(>9.9)>     (>\_/)>    <(o_o<)    v(ô_ôv)

X: Must... resist... urge... to... kill...

Dan: Ratty says you smell funny.

X: Must... hold... onto... sacred... wizard... vows... of... pacifism...

Sneak: I think you lost them long ago.

(>9.9)>     (>\_/)>    <(?_?<)    v(ô_ôv)

Dan: Why are you talking so slowly?

X: I... hate... you... so... much...

Sneak: So, is Smilish your second language or something?

(>o.o)>     <(\_/<)    <(o_o<)    v(ô_ôv)

X: WILL YOU SHUT UP?!

(>n.n)>     (>b_d)>    <(o_o<)    v(ô_ôv)

Sneak: Hee-hee-hee.

X: Seriously Dan. WHAT exactly was so amazingly important that it was apparently worth delaying ultimate cosmic domination for so long for?!

Dan: Well...

Flashback... no, really. That was not predictable AT ALL.

(>;_;)>

Dan: Ratty? Ratty? Where are you? It's time to leave on our quest!

                          _________

                          |Near Beer|

       <(?_?<)    °#########

Dan: Ratty?

(>Ŏ_ŏ)>    ||| (>?_?)>

Dan: Raaatty?

                   †    v{\_/v}

                 ###

        (>?_?)^

Dan: Ratty, ratty, ratty?

                (>?.?)>+#####

Dan: Rat-

                           | *ZAPKAPOW!*

                          [] *ka-shielded!*

                 (>o_o)^+#####

          <(?.?<)        +#####

Dan: Ratty?

(>?_?)>    [>o_-]>    <[o_o<]

Guard #2: Can we, uh, help you with something?

Guard #1: Wait, isn't he one of those guys the mayor wanted to-

       (>?_?[>O_O]>    <[o_O<]

Dan: Ratty? Are you hiding in here?

(>^_^)>    \            r~/-----

Dan: Rattty! There you are!

                \(>^_^)>r~/-----

                      *hugs*

Dan: Naughty ratty! What are you doing... out here... in this...

                \(>o_o)>r~/-----

Dan: ...Giant... catapult...

                \(>o_o)>r~/-----

Dan: Uh-oh.

I think you can guess the next part.

(>o.o)>     (>b_d)>    (>^_^)>    v(ô_ôv)

Lora: I believe now would be a good time to leave. Quickly.

Dan: Okay! Let's begin on our quest!

X: Yes. Let's.

(>-.-)>     (>-_-)>    (>[]o_o)>+––- - -v(ô_Ôv)

                                       *schwing*     *dodge!*

Dan: For great justice.

Lora: Would you stop swinging that thing around?!

Sneak: I hate this group.

X: You're not alone, Sneak, you're not alone.

Where did that giant catapult come from?

Who DID take X's tome of Giant's Step?

Where IS Bettie, anyway?

All this and more seemingly random objects, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!