<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part XI: The Six Million Dollar Cow
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
/=P- - -
[>O_o]> [>O_o]> v(u.uv) v(O_Ov)
Dan's Father: Bettie!
Cow: Moooo!!
Outside of time, on the Legend of Smil:
{>;‹›_‹›}>
God: Okay, what the heck. What has THAT got to do with anything?
Listen, if you would stop being so impatient and just wait until- Hey, where's your staff?
{>>_>}>
God: Staff? What staff? I don't have a staff. To what staff do you refer?
That staff you carry with you everywhere. The one with the magic power to zap people. The one you killed that Gorb with. The staff that MADE YOU the random-guy-with-STAFF. What other staff IS there?
{>‹›_‹›}>
God: Oh, that staff. [Bleep] the staff. I'm trying to move on from my 'random-guy-with-staff' image.
Yeah, you WERE more interesting then. We really do need a new mysterious character.
{>-_-}>
God: Oh, shut up. I'm God. You don't get more interesting than that. I only created the universe and everything in it. Oh, and that whole back-story thing with religion changing the course of history, wiping out humans and replacing them with Smils, Gorbs and cockroaches? Yeah, nothing to do with me.
Uh-huh. So I guess that means you lost it then.
{>{}_‹›}>
God: What are you talking about? I didn't lose it! I'm God. I don't lose things! Or are you forgetting that whole omniscient thing?
Okay then, where is it?
{>>_>}>
God: Look, I didn't LOSE it. I just... left it... somewhere else... for now. Yes.
You know, it's pretty funny when you think about. I mean, you, being an omniscient being, LOSING something just-
{>\_/}>
God: Oh, just start the part already!
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P </o_o<\
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P />\_/\>
Doctor #2: SCALPEL!
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P />o_o\>'<(o_o<)
Dan's Father: Scalpel.
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P </o_o<\ <(o_o<)
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
</\_/<\ /=P </o_o<\ <(u_u<)
Doctor #1: SCALPEL!
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P </o_o<\
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
(>o_o)>'</o_o<\ /=P </o_o<\
Dan's Father: Scalpel.
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
(>o_o)> />o_o\> /=P </o_o<\
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
(>-_-)> />o_o\> /=P />\_/\>
Doctor #2: SCALPEL!
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
(>u_u)> />o_o\> /=P </o_O<\
Dan's Father: You've already got a damn scalpel.
Doctor #2: I need another one!
Dan's Father: *sigh*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P </o_o<\
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P />o_o\>'<(-_-<)
Dan's Father: Scalpel.
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>o_o\> /=P </o_o<\
Doctor #1: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
</\_/<\ /=P </o_o<\ <(o_O<)
Doctor #1: SANDWICH!
*Beep... Beep... Beep...*
/>O_o\> /=P </o_o<\ <(-_-<)
Doctor #1: What? I'm hungry! This is hard work!
*Beep... Beeeeeeeeee...*
/>;o_o\> /=P </o_O;<\ <(O_O<)
Dan's Father: What's happening? What's happening to Bettie?!
Doctor #1: We're losing her!
Doctor #2: What do you MEAN we're losing here? She's right here in front of us! Look!
*Beep.*
(>n_n)>[+_::] </\_/<\ /=P </o_o<\ <(o_o<)
Doctor #1: DAMN IT, WILL YOU SHUT THAT THING UP!
Smil: Whee, I gained a level!
Doctor #2: *sigh*
/>o_-\> /=P </o_o<\ <(o_o;<)
Dan's Father: Please, doctors, is Bettie going to be okay?
Doctor #1: Hmm...
/>o_o\> /=P </-_-<\ <(?_?<)
Doctor #1: Gentlemen, we can rebuild her. We have the technology.
Dan's Father: Rebuild...? She's a cow.
Doctor #2: Dude, no.
/>n_n\> /=P </o_o;<\ <(o_o<)
Doctor #1: Aww, come on. I totally had to say it.
Doctor #2: We're not going to mechanise the cow. We've been through this several times already.
Doctor #1: But... but... It would be so COOL!
Doctor #2: We're not doing it.
/>o_o\> /=P />o_o\> <(o_O<)
Doctor #1: It'll be fine. Trust me, I'm a doctor.
Doctor #2: It's stupid and risky. Trust ME, I'M a doctor
Dan's Father: But... you're both doctors! Who do I trust?!
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Smilville...
(>1_1)> <[o_O<]
Snakeeyes: Excuse me guard, have this month's sacrifices to the Mother Cockroach left yet?
Guard #4: Wait... what?!
(>>_>)> <[o_o<]
Snakeeyes: Uh, that is... I thought you were... Curse it why must you guards all look the same?
Guard #4: It's standard issue plate mail. Completely impractical for catching criminals of course, but very effective at warding of any unwanted offensive physical contact during wartime.
(>;1_1)> <[?_?<]
Guard #4: But what's this about sacrifices?
Snakeeyes: Oh, it was, uh, just a bad dream. Never mind.
(>;1_1)> <[O_O<]
Guard #4: But Snakeeyes, your dreams have always become Prophecies!
Snakeeyes: Not this dream. This was just a normal bad dream. It was not prophecy.
Guard #4: NO! The dreams never lie! Dear lord, I must inform my superior!
(>\_/)> <[o_o<]
Snakeeyes: Just forget you ever heard anything! Don't make me set the 4th wall patrol on you!
Guard #4: Oh... okay. Right. No sacrifices.
(>1_1)> <[o_o<]
Snakeeyes: Now. May I ask if you have seen any Smil leave the city walls in the last few hours?
Guard #4: Not really, it's been pretty quiet... Oh, I guess there was one really weird group just half an hour ago.
(>;1_1)> <[-_o<]
Snakeeyes: Who were they?
Guard #4: Well.... there was some crazed Smil who kept going on about 'great justice', an extremely agitated wizard, a strangely depressed archer and some Smil who looked like a bit like a mouse. Oh, and a rat, if that makes any difference.
Snakeeyes: Thank you.
<(1_1<)
Snakeeyes: Damn it.
v(1_1v)
Snakeeyes: Damn it. Damn it!
v(\_/v)
Snakeeyes: DAMN IT! How could that catapult NOT have wounded Dan beyond travelling? Curse his luck!
v(1_1v)
Snakeeyes: Okay. Deep breaths. Calm down. At least you manage to destroy the tome of Giant's Step. That will hopefully slow down their progress enough to be able to do something. Remember what your mother told you.
Whee, flashback!
(>._.)#--<(\_/<)
*Whap!*
Snakeeyes's Mother: Oh really? How about I sweep YOU instead?!
!kcabhsalf ,eehW
v(1_1v)
Snakeeyes: Wait, that's not helpful. No, you remember now, she told you...
Another flashback.
(>O_O)> ––+<(\_/<)
Snakeeyes's Mother: How DARE you bring this sword into my house?! How about I bring this sword into YOU and see how YOU like it!
End flashback.
v(-_1v)
Snakeeyes: No, that's not quiet...
Just one more flashback.
(>;_;)<(\_/<)
*SMACK!*
Snakeeyes's Mother: Foresee my death do you? How about you foresee THIS!
Okay, back to the present now.
v(-_-v)
Snakeeyes: I'm sure I had SOME non-abusive memories...
Flash-
v(1_Ov)
Snakeeyes: Actually, you know what, stop right there. That's enough reliving sad back-story for now, thanks.
v(._.v)
Snakeeyes: ...Ah, crap. I just broke the fourth wall, didn't I?
[>o_o]> [>o_o]> [>o_o]> v(1_1v)
*clank, clank, Clank, Clank, CLANK, CLANK!*
v[o_o]v v[o_o]v v[o_o]v v(-_-v)
*ka-turn*
Snakeeyes: You guys do realise that by always doing this you are, in fact, YOURSELVES breaking the fourth wall.
[>o_-]> [>o_-]> [>o_-]> v(1_1v)
4th Wall Patrol: ...
[>O_o]> [>O_o]> [>O_o]> v(1_1v)
4th Wall Patrol: *DEAR GOD HE'S RIGHT! OUR EXISTENCE ONLY INCREASES THE PROBLEM! OUR LIVES ARE MEANINGLESS!*
[>?_?]> [>?_?]> [>?_?]> (>?_?)> <[o_o<] <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
*clank, clank, Clank, Clank, CLANK, CLANK!*
[>._.]> [>._.]> [>._.]> (>-_-)> <[@_@v] <[@_@v] <[@_@v]
5th Wall Patrol: *YOU HEARD NOTHING!*
[>o_o]> [>o_o]> [>o_o]> (>;-_-)>
*CLANK, CLANK, Clank, Clank, clank, clank.*
[>o_o]> [>o_o]> [>o_o]> (>1_1)>
Snakeeyes: That was screwed up.
[>o_o]> <[n_n<] <[n_n<] (v1_1)v
4th Wall Patrol: *HEY, I'M HUNGRY! YOU GUYS WANT TO GO FOR A DRINK AND PIZZA?!*
4th Wall Patrol: *GREAT IDEA! I'LL SHOUT THE FIRST ROUND! MY TREAT!*
4th Wall Patrol: *COOL! WE SHOULD CALL THE GIRLS TOO, THOSE 2ND WALL PATROLLERS ARE hot, DAMN!*
(v1_1)v
*CLANK, CLANK, Clank, Clank, clank, clank.*
(v\_/)v
Snakeeyes: Great, there goes any hope of plot advancement out the window. I had DAMN better be scheduled to appear again in the next part or I foresee a serious arse-kicking in store for someone.
Meanwhile and elsewhere, in the small village of SomewhereElse...
(>\-/)>--#
*sweep*
Nathan: Stupid lousy sweeping. Stupid lousy chores. Stupid lousy broom.
(>\-/)>--#
*sweep*
Nathan: Just because I was abandoned here as a child and was only adopted and reluctantly cared for by the women's council as part of the demands of the Leet Ninja in the peace treaty between them and us 'unpure' Smil since they stupidly claim that I'm somehow 'involved' in a great battle to come does NOT give them the right to make me do extra chores.
(>o-o)>--#
Nathan: God damn that sounds contrived.
(>\-/)>--#
*sweep*
Nathan: Stupid lousy back-story. Stupid lousy women's council. Stupid lousy Leet-
(>?-?)>--# --o
Nathan: Heeey. What's that mysterious staff lying over there...
Dun, dun, DUUUUUN! Meanwhile, elsewhere at that time...
(>^_^)> (>n_n)>
Husband: There's this great spot by the river down here, you just have to see it.
Wife: This was so nice of you to plan a picnic for us on our wedding anniversary! I love you!
Husband: I love you too, honey!
(>O_o)> (>O_o)> <[\_/<]
Guard #4: STOP! Are you planning to sacrifice yourselves? Are you? Are you?!
Husband: ...
Wife: ...
Guard #4: I'M ON TO YOU!
Will the doctors manage to save Bettie?
What will Nathan do with The Staff?
Will Snakeeyes get his plot advancement?
All this and more back-story, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!