<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part XII: One Big Happy (Evil) Family
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
Necro: I'm an evil genius who has studied for years the arts of necromancy, hence my rather uncreative nickname. I also know some pretty advanced demonology and summoning rites. Realistically I'm not too tough in combat myself, but I can summon hoards of undead at a pinch, and I'm not too shabby at death-related magic.
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
Necro: Oh yes, I am on a ROLL today. I am so damn evil! I am overflowing with evil! I am bursting with pure and fresh evil, just like momma used to make it! God damn, I'm just that evil, and no, the irony of that statement does not pass me.
<﴾n_n<﴿
﴾>n_n﴿>
<﴾n_n<﴿
﴾>n_n﴿>
Necro: Who's the evil genius? Who's the evil genius? I'M the evil genius! That's who!
<﴾n_n<﴿ ###
????: If you're quite finished, Necro...
﴾>\_/﴿> ###
Necro: HEY! Don't you DARE interrupt my dancing! Nobody interrupts a Evil Genius's dancing except himself, or possibly another Evil Genius. Or potentially a group of unlikely heroes, but only because I don't want that sort of stupid rabble sneaking up on me! But mere minions? NO!
????: Whatever. But you do look really, really stupid doing that. Not evil or a genius.
﴾>9_9﴿> ###
Necro: Well at least you can SEE me. This is coming from you hiding in that dark, concealing, magical fog.
????: I'm sorry, who's idea was the magical fog again?
﴾>>_>﴿> ###
Necro: Uh, I suppose technically it was mine...
????: Exactly.
Necro: ...but only because the Evil Genius Constitution clearly states all Evil Geniuses must have at least one powerful and mysterious minion that nobody except the minion and the Evil Genius himself knows the true identity of. Hence, the fog cloud.
﴾>?_?﴿> ###
????: Sure. I bet it's got nothing to do with the lack of other mysterious characters at the moment AT ALL.
Necro: The what?
????: *sigh* Nevermind. Just quit with the dancing.
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ###
Necro: No! Dancing is not only a means of expressing my joy at the sheer evilness I have been up to today, but also an integral part of Smil society! Ever since the Great Mistake dancing has been a vital part of Smil recreation. Why, ten years ago it was even regulated in the King's Workplace Reforms that all Smil are allowed two ten minute dance breaks during their working hours to avoid stress. Not only that, dance has long been a means by which Smils can come to together and appreciate the simple things in life, like music or movement. Why else do you think Dance Dance Revolution could be so popular? That game truly sucked, and Smils still bought it! Because it had the word dance, not once, but TWICE in the title! And did not the first Smil king Bob write that 'though we are many we are one for we all share in the one dance'?
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ###
????: ...
﴾>-_-﴿> ###
????: You still look stupid.
Necro: THAT is beside the point.
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ###
????: Here's a fun point for you to be beside: For somebody who's supposed to be the main villain here, and boasting about their own evilness, you seem awfully hung up on inherently lawful codes and laws.
﴾>>_>﴿> ###
Necro: Uh, well, the thing about that is...
????: Yes?
﴾>>_>﴿> ###
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ###
????: So...?
Necro: Gees! Now you've gone and ruined it!
????: Ruined what?
﴾>-_-﴿> ###
Necro: *sigh*. My dramatic pause.
????: Your dramatic pause.
﴾>O_ó﴿> ###
Necro: Yes! Pausing dramatically in the middle of speech in order to heighten tension and stretch out the torture of any would-be heroes is very evil!
????: No. No, it's not. It's annoying, and just gives them more time to escape. And you didn't answer the question.
<﴾ò_ó<﴿ ###
Necro: Hey! Look over there! It's my apprentice Luke! Let's all focus our attention on him now.
<﴾ò_ó<﴿ ### <(o_o<)
Luke: I'm over here, actually.
﴾>>_>﴿> ### <(o_o<)
Necro: Oh. Right. I knew that. I just... was testing your awareness. Yes, that's it.
Luke: Huh.
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ### <(o_o<)
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ### <(o_o<)
????: You know, I can't help but notice you still didn't answer-
Necro: ANYWAY. Luke, the reason I have called you here today is that I intend increase your training. Your magical talents are advancing quickly and already you have clearly surpassed me in weapons training.
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ### <(9_9<)
Luke: As if that were difficult or anything.
Necro: Silence! As I was saying, I believe the only way to reach your full potential is to push you harder than you've ever been pushed before. Your training has been far too lax of late, and as such in the coming weeks the duration of your lessons and practice is to be increased threefold!
﴾>ò_ó﴿> ### <(-_-<)
Luke: Uh, Necro? I'm already training for six hours, and practising alone for four. You can't increase that threefold. Unless you've finally managed to break down that time barrier you're always going on about.
????: And somehow, I doubt that.
﴾>\_/﴿> ### <(9_9<)
Necro: Damn it will you two stop ganging up on me?! Being an Evil Genius isn't easy! You will follow every order I give you, when I give it to you, and if seems impossible, you will find a way to DO IT ANYWAY! Is that understood?
Luke: Well excuse me if I'm a little reluctant to follow your every order. It's not like you killed my father or anything.
﴾>O_ó﴿> ### <(-_-<)
Necro: No, Luke, I AM your father!
Luke: Adoptive father. You're my adoptive father. You killed my father, and then adopted me.
Necro: Oh, right. Sorry.
﴾>\_/﴿> ### <(o_o;<)
Necro: Wait, not I'm not! An Evil Genius never needs to apologise! Now get on with your study! You have your first summoning test this afternoon, and I want to see you summon the most powerful and evil minion EVER!
Luke: But the impossibility thing...
Necro: Your problem, not mine!
﴾>?_?﴿> ### <(o_o<)
????: It's not like he's going to be able to summon a decent minion anyway.
Necro: Huh? Why's that?
????: Because I've already been summoned.
﴾>-_-﴿> ### (>o_o)>
Necro: Just get on with it. And you, Foggy, find me those research papers on Devil summoning. I don't want that bastard pulling any of his tricks on me.
Foggy: Don't call me 'Foggy'. Is it that hard to think up a slightly more creative nickname?
﴾>;_;﴿> ###
Necro: But I like the name Foggy.
Foggy: Gah, too late. Now it's marking my friggin' speech. Damn it.
Down in the very pits of hell...
(>۸;_;۸)>
Devil: Nobody appreciates my sense of humour.
(>۸o_o۸)> <(O_O<)
Smil Soul: OHGODTHEUNBEARABLEPAINICAN'TSTANDITANYMORE!!
(>۸^_^۸)> (>O_O)>
Devil: Mwa-ha-ha. It's funny because he's red.
Back in Smilville, the prophet Snakeeyes plots...
(>1_1)>
Snakeeyes: Okay, think. You haven't managed to stop the sacrifices from leaving. But to reach the Mother Cockroach's cave by foot will take at least a week, probably longer for them given their stupidity. I still have time to stop them before it's too late.
(>1_-)>
Snakeeyes: I'm unlikely to catch up to them myself, and I couldn't physically stop them even I could. I don't even have enough money to pay anyone else to do so for me. Damn it, there must be something I can do...
(>1_-)>
Snakeeyes: If only I had some gullible fool with enough emotional ties to be willing to stop them for free...
Meanwhile...
/>o_o\> /=P <(o_o<)
Doctor #1: There. It's done.
Dan's Father: You mean...?
Doctor #1: I'm happy to say your Bio-cow is going to be just fine.
/>o_o\> /=P <(?_?<) </o_o<\ *flush*
Dan's Father: Bio-cow..?
/>>_>\> /=P (>?_?)> </\_/<\
Doctor #2: You didn't.
Doctor #1: I... might have.
Doctor #2: Oh, for the love of GOD. Can I just go to the toilet for five minutes and not come back to find you've deliberately disobeyed my orders and mechanised some poor farmer's cow! Do you know how much all that machinery costs?!
/>^_^\> /=P (>o_o)> </-_-<\
Doctor #1: But it worked! It really worked!
Doctor #2: Somebody is going to have to PAY for all this now.
Dan's Father: The doctor just said he could make Bettie better than a normal cow! He said Bettie would love to be able to run super fast, have improved eyesight and be able to produce milk at a far superior rate than other cows!
/>>_>\> /=P (>n_n)> </-_o<\
Doctor #2: Is that all?
Doctor #1: Uh, yes...
Dan's Father: And she'll have inbuilt stilts and be able to sense the use of nearby magic and her head will have the strength of a giant!
/>;_;\> /=P (>^_^)> </\_/<\
Doctor #2: Great. Great! It's going to cost even MORE to have all that crap removed!
Doctor #1: Remove it? But we just put it in! And it's so cool!
Dan's Father: ...And she has inbuilt virus protection and safety features like voice recognition and password protection on her udder and she comes with a three year warranty that...
/>o_-\> /=P (>O_o)> </o_o<\
Doctor #2: Okay, so say we don't remove it. What possible use is such a cow?
Doctor #1: Well... Uh... I'm sure someone could... hm...
Dan's Father: And she's even backwards compatible!
/>o_o\> /=P (>o_o)> </-_-<\
Doctor #2: If only we had someone rich who would actually pay for the use of this crap...
Meanwhile, elsewhere...
(>O_o)>|||<(ŏ_ŏv)
Barkeep: Here's your two corruption bur- I mean, cheeseburgers, one bastard mayor, uh, I mean, one large fries and four sacrifice- beers. Four beers. Sorry. Would you like some more fries with that?
Smil: Weirdo.
*hasty retreat* |||v(\_/v)
Barkeep: Gah! Damn it, I can't get those four sacrifices off my mind. I can't believe that corrupt bastard would send them off to the Mother Cockroach without any hope of victory!
|||v(ŏ_ŏv)
Barkeep: I may not have any real political power, but I have this successful business. There has to be something I can do to help them...
|||v(-_-v)
Barkeep: *sigh* If only I had someone convinced that they were important enough to risk jail or banishment to help and give advice...
Later...
(>1_1)> </o_o<\ <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Snakeeyes: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Doctor #2: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
Barkeep: *mutter, mutter, mutter*
(>1_1)> </o_o<\ <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Snakeeyes: ...
Doctor #2: ...
Barkeep: ...
(>n_n)> </n_n<\ <(n_n<)
Snakeeyes: *evil grin*
Doctor #2: *evil grin*
Barkeep: *evil grin*
Later, elsewhere...
### ﴾>ò_ó﴿> <(o_o<) ..____..
Necro: Are you ready?
Luke: Uh, I guess.
### ﴾>;-_-﴿> <(?_?<) ..____..
Luke: But, uh, WHY do I have to summon an evil minion again?
Necro: Oh for... I TOLD you why. According to the Evil Genius Constitution, all evil villains, including apprentices, must eventually have a least one minion of their own.
Foggy: Hey, you never told me why...
### <﴾ò_ó;<﴿ <(?_?<) ..____..
Necro: *sha-tethe fu'kup!*
Foggy: *muffled noises*
Luke: Yeah, but WHY? I don't need a minion. I can defend myself. I'm not even allowed to form my own evil plans yet...
### ﴾>ò_ó﴿> <(o_o<) ..____..
Necro: The constitution demands it!
Foggy: *Muffled noises!*
Necro: And anyway, you never know when a group of second rate heroes might turn up. The more minions the better.
### ﴾>^_^﴿> <(-_-<) ..____..
Luke: I don't think that's very likely...
Necro: Well, you can always order them to do all your unwanted chores.
Foggy: *muffled noises...*
Luke: Fine, whatever.
### ﴾>ò_ó﴿> (>*_*)> ..____..
Luke: *Sha'une dela randomel wordsus athat maketia non sensical!*
### ﴾>ò_ó﴿> (>O_o)> .. #### ..
*whoosh!*
### ﴾>n_n﴿> (>o_o)> .. #### ..
????: ...I... will...
### ﴾>n_n﴿> (>?_?)> .. # ..
????: ...be... in...
### ﴾>n_n﴿> (>O_o)> .. >:-) ..
????: ...this... story!
That's not...?
That can't be...?
Is that...?
All this and the ends to those sentences in the next