<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part XIII: Nobody Flashes Forward
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>^_^)> v(ô_ôv)
Dan: Okay! Let's begin on our quest!
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
After a mostly uneventful afternoon of long, hard walking our 'heroes' continue down a dusty road...
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Are we there yet?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Are we there yet?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: *Now* are we there yet?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: How about now?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Are we nearly there yet?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Are we *nearly* nearly there yet?
Lora: No.
(>o.o)> (>\_/)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Are we *almost* nearly-
X: The fires of hell reign down on you Dan, will you be SILENT?! No, we are not there yet. No, we are not nearly there yet. By my calculations it will take us a minimum of six days to reach our intended destination and we have been travelling for barely a half a day. So no, we will not be there for some time yet!
(>o.o)> (>;b_d)> (>u_u)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: But my feet hurt...
X: ...Smil don't have feet.
Lora: I believe he means it in metaphorical nature. I too begin to grow weary from our travel... perhaps we should soon rest and set up a camp for tonight.
Dan: Metawhatical?
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
X: I don't think that would be wise. We have a long way to go, and still have an hour or more of light left. The weaker of us may seem tired now, but after a full days walking it will only be worse. We should keep going.
Lora: Perhaps, but there is no sense in arriving at the city a day earlier if we are then so exhausted that we are unable to achieve our objective!
(>n.n)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
X: It matters not! I will be fully able to destroy any opponent no matter what state of rest I am in, and any unnecessary delay to my ultimate cosmic domination must be avoided!
Lora: How about we take a vote?
X: I don't think so. You should all be listening to my advice anyway. I'm clearly the wisest and most powerful of this party.
Sneak: And we are supposed to respect our elders.
X: Shut up.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>^_^)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: How about we vote on whether to vote or not?
X: That's just stupid.
Lora: You're right. It would have to be a silent vote.
(>9.9)> (>'O_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
X: A silent vote? And just how do you intend to do that? If we have time for a silent vote we have time to keep walking!
Sneak: Why don't we just take a vote on whether or not we should a silent vote?
Lora: I don't know. Perhaps we should vote on that.
(>n.n)> (>\_/)> (>;_;)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: My brain hurts.
X: GOD DAMN IT, fine! We'll just vote on resting or not!
(>-.-)> (>b_d)> (>;_;)> (>ô_ô)>
X: I vote to continue.
Dan: I'm tired.
Lora: I believe we should rest here.
Sneak: Keep going. Wimps.
(>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>o_o)> (>ô_ô)>
Lora: ...
X: ...
(>o.o)> (>'O_d)> (>^_^)> (>;ô_ô)>
Dan: Ratty wants to rest. Resting wins!
X: What? That doesn't count!
Lora: Well, there's a nice spot by the river up ahead. I guess we'll just stop there.
(>o.o)> (>-_-)> (>?_?)> (>ô_ô)>
Dan: Does that mean we're-
X: NO.
One camp setting up later...
### (>o.o)> (>b_d)>– ./\. <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
X: *Eflam!*
### (>-.-)> <(b_d;<) ./\. <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: Do you actually know any other spells whatsoever?
X: Of course I do! I just need to... refresh my memory on them.
Sneak: Do any of them NOT suck?
### (>o.o)> <(9_9<) ./\. (>;_;)> <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
X: Let's see you cast any better magic!
Dan: Do we have any marshmallows?
Lora: No.
Dan: Aww...
### <(o.o<) (>-_-)> ./\. <(;_;<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: But what other delicious sugary snack are we going to roast over the fire?
X: How about that thrice-cursed rat?
Dan: What? No! We can't roast Ratty!
Sneak: ...
### <(-.o<) (>n_n)> ./\. <(\_/<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
X: We could use your sword for a skewer.
Dan: Don't you touch Ratty! Or my sword!
Sneak: ...
### <(*.*^) (>-_-)> ./\. <(O_O<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: Wait... where is my sword?
X: It's in your sheath.
Dan: Oh. Phew. For a moment there I thought... wait, I LET RATTY REST IN MY SHEATH!
Sneak: ...
###
<(n.n<) <(b_O'<) ./\. <(?_?<) <(ô_Ô<) ~~~~~
X: How in the...?
###
(>^.^)> <(b_O'<) "/\" <(?_?<) <(ô_Ô<) ~~~~~
*fwoosh!*
Sneak: Monk.
### (>o.o)> <(?_?<) "/\" <(n_n<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
*thump*
Dan: That was awesome!
X: Monk? Didn't you say you were a ninja?
### (>^.^)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(-_ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: I'm a ninja and a monk.
Lora: Wait. Don't all monks swear vows of purity, pacifism and to uphold the law at all times?
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_Ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: Feh. I was under false impressions when I made those vows. They don't count.
Lora: But monks also swear vows to never go back on vows!
### (>-.-)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(?_?<) <(ô_Ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: And I broke them.
Lora: But... the vows...
Sneak: Broken.
Dan: Did you have your fingers crossed while you took them?
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
X: Okay, I have to ask. How does someone become a monk and a ninja?
Sneak: Well...
Please put on Flashback Glasses now. This all-new flashback feature narrated by Sneak for you reading convenience!
{>‹›_‹›}>
God: Because you're too lazy to, obviously.
Obviously. So hey, seen your staff around lately?
{>-_-}>
God: I'll just go back to watching quietly shall I?
Good idea. Now, to the flashback...
Sneak: Believe it or not, when I was growing up in my distant hometown of Immakingthesenamesupasigoalong, I used to be considered a... *shudder* 'good' child.
(>^.^)>U<(n_n<)
Sneak: Here is the milk you asked for Mrs. Niceoldlady.
Niceoldlady: Why thank you young boy, here's a copper for your troubles.
Sneak: No need Mrs. Niceoldlady, I'm more than happy to lend a hand whenever you need anything.
### (>\./)> <(^_^<) "/\" <(^_^<) <(^_^<) ~~~~~
X: BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Lora: AH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Dan: I LIKE MILK-MILK-MILK-MILK!
Ratty: *SQUEAK-SQUEAK-SQUEAK!*
Fire: *BURN-BURN-BURN!*
Sneak: Shut up.
Sneak: Anyway, when I was growing up I'd hated my parents. My behaviour got on my parents nerves a lot, and we'd argue often.
(>o.o)> <(\_/<)
Sneak's Father: No you may NOT go to bed yet!
Sneak: But father, my translation of the Leet Haxxor's scriptures has wearied me greatly...
Sneak's Father: I don't care! Do you want to be uncool? Do you? DO YOU?
Sneak: One day it just go to be too much, so I took the most desperate step to get away from them that I could think of at the time: I filed for parental divorce and applied via mail to join the Shining Hand, a group of monks. Six to eight weeks later I got a reply saying I was eligible for an interview.
(>-_-)> <(o.o<)
Sneak: Good day to you, fellow Smil! I must thank you for allowing me this chance to present myself to you as an honourable applicant for this fine-
Shining Hander: Oh my god, they weren't kidding when they said you went on. Look, let's just be honest, you're only here because our membership is at an all time low. Well, since we first started, obviously.
(>o_o)> <(o.O<)
Sneak: But I believe I may be a prime candidate for your group. I strongly believe in physical denial as a key to spiritual supremacy! My own worldly goods are very limited and I have had prior experience in both the fasting and religious worship occupations. My brainwashability test came back as an all time high of 187 and I have several references who would be happy to support my claims!
Shining Hander: ..Are you homosexual?
(>o_o)> <(o.O<)
Sneak: Wha...what? No.
Shining Hander: You're in.
Sneak: During my time in the Shining Hand, I learnt a vast variety of skills from stealth...
<(-_-<) |__| v(<.<v)
*sneak*
Shining Hander: No, you can't have another anti-biscuit.
Sneak: To magic...
|__|
<(-_-<) <(*.*<)
Shining Hander: Sneak, leave the anti-biscuits alone.
Sneak: To resolution and determination...
(>-_-)> |__| v(o.ov)
Shining Hander: For the hundredth time Sneak, no you may not have another anti-biscuit.
Sneak: ... May I have an anti-biscuit?
Sneak: And to unarmed combat.
|__|(>;_;)<(\./v)
*Whap!*
Sneak: Just give me an anti-biscuit already!!
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(?_?<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: What's an anti-biscuit?
Sneak: It's a magical biscuit SO SMALL that it has negative mass, so eating one is not just denying yourself physical pleasure, but subtracting physical pleasure from your very being.
X: I'm fairly sure such a thing could not possibly physicaly exist...
Sneak: Now you mention it, they were strangely filling and delicious...
Sneak: So I'd been with the Shining Hands for around three months when everything changed. A number of Shining Handers and I were journeying to the top of a nearby snowy mountain to collect some of the rare herbs found there. Once we reached the top, a strong blizzard began to blow and to my horror we became unavoidably separated.
{ooo}
(v>_>)v### (>O.O)> ||v(<_<)v
Sneak: Help! Help! Friends, where are you?
Sneak: I was already half-starved from another fasting, and the night that followed lost up on the mountain was the worst of my life and a horrible near-death experience.
(>۸o_o۸)> o--<{\_/<}
(v~.~)v
Devil: Is he dead yet? Is he dead yet? Is he nearly dead yet? Is he almost nearly dead yet? Is he-
God: Will you SHUT UP and leave my follower alone?!
Sneak: Still, somehow I managed to remain sane through the whole ordeal.
(>\./)> ###
Sneak: I know you're under there somewhere. I WILL find you, Nemo!
###
^(n.n)^
Sneak: I'm a mushroom!
Sneak: That night on the mountain I was forced to confront my beliefs, and truly examine just who I was, what I believed and who I would be. I stumbled down the next day through sheer determination, the revelation burning so strong that it hurt.
### (>\./)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: Life has no meaning, All Smil are selfish and pathetic creatures and God is a dick.
### (>\./)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
*stunned silence*
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
*further stunned silence*
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
*fizzle*
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(^_^<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: But what about the ninja? I want to hear about the ninja!
Sneak: Oh, that. After I left the Shining Hand - looting them and slaying a number in their sleep - I tried to join the Leet Ninja. They refused me, something about not supporting mindless slaughter, so I started my own criminal ninja ring known as the God Sucks Ninja. In an ironic twist, most of the people who joined sucked themselves so I left them to their own devices a year or so ago.
### (>o.o)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
### (>-.-)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(?_?<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: Hey Sneak, what's your real name?
Sneak: I'm not saying.
### (>-.-)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(?_?<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: Is it Fred?
Sneak: No.
Dan: Is it Bob?
Sneak: No.
### (>-.-)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(?_?<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: Is it John?
Sneak: No.
Dan: Is it-
Sneak: Shut up Dan.
### (>9.9)> <(b_d<) ./\. <(o_O<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Dan: Is it Dan?
Sneak: NO.
Does that even count as a legitimate cliff-hanger?
Do any of the other 'heroes' have anywhere as near an interesting back-story?
Are we there yet?
All this, but a better ending, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!