<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part XIV: Score One For Atheism
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
### (>\./)> <(b_d<) "/\" <(o_o<) <(ô_ô<) ~~~~~
Sneak: Life has no meaning, All Smil are selfish and pathetic creatures and God is a dick.
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
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Dan: Hey, Lora, is steak cooked yet?
Lora: Not yet. It's still won't be cooked in the middle yet.
Dan: Oh.
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Dan: Is the steak nearly cooked yet?
X: Oh, we are NOT going through this again. Dan, we will tell you when the steak is cooked.
### (>o.o)> (>ô_ô)>--%"/\"%--<(b_d<) <(;_;<) ~~~~~
Dan: But I like steak.
X: You cook it then.
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Dan: Yay! I get to be helpful!
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*turn*
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*turn*
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*turn*
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*turn*
Dan: Wait...
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Lora: So, X, how did you become a wizard?
X: That's none of your business.
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Lora: I'm just trying to make conversation...
Dan: Yeah, come on X, it's your turn to tell us a story now!
Sneak: Seriously. It can't be much worse than mine.
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X: Fine, whatever.
X: As as child I never knew my parents, and instead lived with my aunt and uncle, and cousin Dud. They always told me that my parents had been killed in a car crash, but I sussed that one out fairly quickly by the way that cars HADN'T BEEN REINVENTED YET. They treated me very poorly, and I was forced to live in a cupboard under the stairs, which was actually a lot more fun than it sounds.
__<(o_o<) *flush!*
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__|
X's Uncle: Hmm, hmm, hmm...
<(O_O<)__
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__| ^(n_n)^
X: BOO!!
X's Uncle: GAH! Damn it, X!
X: I was never allowed to have any books or other material, but ironically this made me so curious of them that I was reading Smilsphere by the time I was six. At meal times I was usually only given stale bread, tepid water and hard cheese. Thankfully I became resist to just about every bug or infection quickly, and the balanced diet kept me a lot more healthy than the rest of my family.
( > ; _ ; ) >
X's Aunt: Help! Help! X has magically blown me up like a balloon!
( > ; _ ; ) > <(<_<<)
X's Uncle: Er, no honey, you always look like that.
X: When I was around twelve strange things began happening around me. One day in the zoo I found I could talk to a snake...
(>;b_d)> || S
Snake: I'm telling you, I'm not a snake! I do not look like a snake!
X: ...and there was one week where we began to get hundreds and thousands of letters coming to the house...
□ □ □ □□□
(>?_?)> (>\_/)>□ □ □□□□□□□□
X: What's happening?
X's Uncle: For the last time, NO, we do NOT want a free AOL CD!
X: ...but the strangest happened when we were on a family trip to a beach house.
(>~_~)> ( > ~ _ ~ ) > ( > ~ _ ~ ) > (>~_~)> + *Creak!*
(>~_~)> ( > ~ _ ~ ) > ( > ~ _ ~ ) > (>b_d)> +
(>~_~)> ( > ~ _ ~ ) > ( > ~ _ ~ ) > (>?_?)> +
(>O_o)> ( > O _ O ) > ( > O _ o ) > (>;b_d)> *KA-SMASH!*
X's Uncle: What in the-
X's Aunt: DEAR GOD THE DEEP FRIED CHOCOLATE CAKES ARE COMING BACK TO HAUNT ME!
Dud: ...I'm hungry.
(>O_O)> ( > O _ O ) > ( > O _ O ) > (>b_d)> <(o_o<)
Haggis: 'ello there!
X: Uh... hello? What do you want?
(>O_O)> ( > O _ O ) > ( > O _ O ) > (>;-_-)> <(\_/<)
Haggis: You're a wizard Xeno... Xenafool... Cleanafloorbear... DAMN IT, what was your name again?
X: Xenaphobianationbloodspellonionring
(>O_O)> ( > O _ O ) > ( > O _ O ) > (>;b_d)> <(o_O<)
Haggis: What the [bleep] kind of a name is that?! Screw Dumbbelldore, nobody with THAT name is coming to my school. Roll call would take all day, for crying out loud, and name tags do not come that big.
X: ...Is there anything else?
Haggis: Oh, and your parents were really killed by the evil wizard Necro. Bye.
X: I never saw that man again, but from that day I swore that one day I'd hunt down and kill Necro not for killing my parents, but for forcing me to live with such morons as my aunt and uncle. Anyway, once I was old enough I left my family and began to study sorcery, and there you go.
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Sneak: My story was cooler. Pun intended.
Lora: So is THAT why you keep going on about ultimate cosmic domination?
X: Hardly. From what I have read of Necro, it would barely take somebody of Dan's skill to defeat him in combat.
Lora: Okay... so out of curiosity, why do you want ultimate cosmic domination?
X: Well, that partly relates to my childhood, but also during the war between the Leet Ninja and Leet Haxxors...
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Dan: HEY! It's MY turn to tell a story now!
X: Suffice to say, seeing thousands of innocents die because of a petty conflict brought me also to the conclusion that God is, as Sneak to eloquently put it, a dick. No being able to let that many suffer needlessly does not deserve such powers it possesses.
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Lora: And the domination...?
X: God claims to be omnipotent, but no power can be absolute. And that which is not perfect can be surpassed.
Lora: You mean...
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X: Yes. I one day hope to achieve this so-called 'divinity', and with that power I believe I could do much more good for this world than 'God' himself has ever done.
Lora: You know, if you told me this yesterday, I would have accused you of blasphemy. But after this morning, I'd almost support you. Yet I fear what you desire is impossible.
X: Nothing is impossible for one will sufficient willpower.
Lora: Be that as it may.
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Dan: I didn't really understand one word of that, but it's MY turn to tell a story and you can all be quiet right now or I'll set Ratty on you!
X: Sure, whatever. Let's hear this great story of yours.
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Dan: Okay! It started when I was only twelve, and I was just beginning to consider what I might want to do as a career...
Dan: I'd researched and considered a number of careers, including farming...
(>o_o)> /=P <(n_n<)
Dan's Father: See, cows are dual-purposed. They produce milk, and can also be killed to make steak.
Dan: I like steak.
(>u_u)> *splatter!*––+<(^_^[]<)
Dan: STEAK!
Dan's Father: Maybe farming isn't for you after all.
Dan: Advertising...
(>>_>)> <(^_^<)
Dan: You also get a free set of STEAAAAAAK knives!
Customer: Uh, okay...
Dan: Acting...
(>[]o_o)>+–– <(-_-<)
Dan: To be or not to be for great justice? That is the question.
Dan: Accounting...
(>o_-)>||| <(-_-<)
Dan: Hmm... Carry the five... round the decimal... multiplied by pi... factorise and multiply out... anti-differentiate with respect to x...
Manager: It's four Dan, four. That's what two plus two equals.
Dan: What? That doesn't sound right.
Dan: and even a Chef's assistant!
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(>^_^)> | | <(-_-<) U
Chef: Pass me that parsley for the sauce.
Dan: I will quest for parsley!
Chef: Just pass it, Dan.
Dan: Eventually I decided that I wanted to become a guard for Smilville. So, I went on a quest to the city of SomewhereElse to learn how to fight.
(>o_o)> <[o_o<] +####
College Guard: Welcome to Fighters Incorporated - Hitting things with other things since 159 New Smil Era.
(>n_n)> <[o_o<] +####
Dan: Can you teach me how to become a great fighter?
College Guard: Here at Fighters Incorporated we have a number of different classes to meet your needs. If you want specific information on the courses we run, there are some pamphlets in the information centre.
(>>_>)> <[o_o<] +####
Dan: I... uh... can't read. Do you have a course for guards?
College Guard: We do, but you'll have to pay for your own weapons and armour.
(>o_o)> <[o_O<] +####
Dan: Can you loan me your armour? My pocket money probably won't cover it.
College Guard: ...are you mentally challenged?
(>;_;)> <[o_O<] +####
Dan: My father said when I was young a wall fell onto my head during a thunderstorm. It's not my fault. It was an act of god. It's his fault.
College Guard: ...I'm calling security.
Dan: So then a whole bunch more men in uniform came and said I was under arrest for nuisance, among other things.
/>o_o\> <(o_o<) </o_o<\
Police #1: You're under arrest for nuisance.
Police #2: And for resisting arrest.
/>-_-\> (>?_?)> </^_^<\
Dan: But I didn't resist arrest...?
Police #2: HA! You just resisted!
Police #1: Damn it Steve, will you stop playing that trick on everyone?
Dan: Then this guy with a wig said I was guilty or something, and the next thing I knew I was in a jail cell with a bunch of other tough criminals.
(>^_^)> <(o_o<) |+|
Dan: Hello! I'm Dan. What your name?
(>O_o)> <(<_<<) |+|
Cellmate: Hello...Dan. It must get so very lonely here in this cell... all alone...
(>\_/)>-- <(u_u<) |+|
*rip!*
Dan: You stay back!
Cellmate: I was just going to ask if you wanted to play chess...
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Dan: And that's the story of how I learned to defend myself!
Sneak: Wow, so an act of god screwed up your life too. I'm so surprised.
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Dan: It's your turn now, Lora.
Lora: I don't really have any interesting circumstances leading to my profession.
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Lora: I only spent most of my life worshiping a god who turns out to be nothing like everything I've ever been taught!
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Sneak: Okay, seriously. You guys are now all honorary members of the God Sucks Ninja.
Lora: That might be going a bit overboard...
Dan: I'm a ninja!
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Dan: Hey, I think the meat is done.
Lora: Yes, I believe so.
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X: So why don't you take it down then?!
Dan: My arms are stuck!
Lora: Hmm. It appears I have been holding this meat so long that my arms have gone numb.
X: Oh, this is just like-
<{‹›_‹›<}
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God: Hello, mortals. I have appeared today before-
<{‹›_{}<}
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God: Uh...
<{‹›_‹›<}
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God: Ooh, awkward.
<{‹›_‹›<}
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<{‹›_‹›;<}
### (>-.-)> (>\_/)>--%"/\"%--<(O_O)> (>\_/)> ~~~~~
Dan: THE MEAT IS BURNING!
What is it that God has appeared before our 'heroes' for?
Will they even listen, given their newly revealed back stories?
Can Dan unstick himself in time to save the meat (and his arms)?
All this and a free set of steak knives (to eat the steak with, obviously), in the next part of the Legend of Smil!