The Legend of Smil

<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>

Part IV: It's Our Crazy Character Clearance!

Previously, on the Legend of Smil:

{v._.}v

????: I'll be good.

Outside of time, on the Legend of Smil:

{>{}_‹›}>--o

????: What the heck? What's that got to do with anything?

Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee.

{>\_/}>--o

????: Oh just you wait until my eventual appearance. Just you wait...

This time, on the Legend of Smil:

It's out Crazy Character Clearance Sale! Bring your wife, bring your kids, bring your dog, bring anyone at all you convince to read this nonsense! We've got bargains galore on our great range of characters! Main characters, minor characters, NPCs, that's right, NPCs all at incredible prices - Not 80% off, not 90%, but 100% off! You heard right 100% off! Characters so cheap we're literally giving them away! FOR FREE! Order in bulk and I'LL pay YOU to read this crap! There's so many new characters that some old characters just absolutely HAVE TO GO! Dan's Father? GONE! The Barkeep's assistant? GONE! That old Gorb? NEVER IN THE STORY IN THE FIRST PLACE! With characters like these your attention JUST CAN'T LAST!

<(ô_ô<) °#########

Lora: Where is all that shouting coming from? This could be trouble, I'd better check it out.

And there's one of our new characters right now walking OUT THE DOOR!! ... I'll stop now. Anyway, back at the Near Beer...

(v\_/)>– <(._.<)

X: How DARE you steal my milk? Do you have any idea how important that milk was?!

Dan: But milk was my quest...

(v\_/)>– <(-_o<)

X: I couldn't care if your mother's life depended on it! Some things are more important than stupid quests!

Dan: Like what?

(v\_/)>– <(o_o<)

X: Ultimate cosmic domination.

Dan: Oh.

(v\_/)>– <(o_o<)

(vb_d)v <(o_o<)

X: Oh, forget it. I can get some more milk.

(v\_/)>– <(o_o<) <(ŏ_ŏ;<)

Barkeep: Actually, we're, uh, out of milk. Somebody has been killing all of our milking cows. But you can have some fries with that, if you want.

X: Oh THAT is IT!!

(^\_/)>– <(O_O<) *dust cloud!*

X: *EFLAM*!

(vb_d)>– ––+<(\_/[]<) *dust rain!*

*schwing*

(vb_d)v ––+<(\_/[]<) *dust settling onto the floor!*

X: Crap.

<('O_O'<)- - - ––+<(\_/[]<)- - -

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

- - -(>[]\_/)>+–– - - -(>'O_O')>

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

<('O_O'<)- - - - - -(>[]\_/)>+––

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

- - -(>'O_O')> ––+<(\_/[]<)- - -

X: Crapcrapcrap-

(>'O_O')> ––+<(\_/[]<)

X: ...

<('O_O'<)- - - ––+<(\_/[]<)- - -

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

(>ŏ_ŏ> <(1_1<)

Barkeep: I mean, I just asked if she wanted fries that. Really.

Snakeeyes: I feel your infuriation.

(>9_9)> <(1_1<)

Barkeep: You have no idea. Hey, I don't suppose *you* want fries with that?

Snakeeyes: I foresee no fries for me in the immediate future.

Barkeep: That's a shame, I mean, no matter what you think of our beer, our fries are damn-

(>[]\_/)>+–– - - -(>'O_O')> <(ŏ_Ŏ<) <(1_O<)

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

- - -(>[]\_/)>+–– - - -(>'O_O')> - - -(>Ŏ_Ŏ)> - - -(>O_O)>

X: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

Barkeep: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

Snakeeyes: Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap!

<('O_O'<)- - -

<(b_d<)

(>b_d)>

<(?_?<)

' ' '

(v\_/v)

| []

<('O_O'<)

X: CRAP!

(>;b_d)> ––+<(O_O[]<)

Dan: HOLYCOWMILKPAINPAINPAINOWIEBURNINGHURTSBADLY!!!

(>;-_-)> (>O_O)> <(ŏ_ŏ<)

Barkeep: Would you like fries with that pain?

Dan: YESPLEASEIWOULDLIKESOMEFRIESWITHTHATTHANKYOU!!!

(>b_d)> (>o_o)>

*tshhh*

(>;b_d)> <(o_o<)

(>-_-)> <(^_^<)

Dan: That was SO cool! Do it again! Do it again!

X: I truly hope that irony was unintentional.

(>b_d)> (>;_;)> <(ŏ_ŏ<)

Barkeep: I'm sorry, we're all out of fries at the moment. But would you like some- Wait, never mind.

Dan: No chippies?

Barkeep: Somebody seems to have stolen them all.

X: Who in their right mind would bother stealing fries?

Meanwhile, outside the tavern, another new character awaits...

#### (>^.^)>[__]

Sneak: Heh-heh-heh, suckers. Now who fries with that, huh?!

#### (>o.o)>[__] (|<(ô_ô<)

Lora: I do.

Sneak: Oh, this ought to be good.

#### (>o.o)>[__] - (|<(ô_ô<)

*twang*

(^n.n)^

#### - [__] (|<(ô_ô<)

*dodged!*

*poof*

#### [__] (|<(?_?<)

#### [__] (>Ô_ô)> <(o.o<)

*poof*

Sneak: Ha!

Lora: ...?

#### [__] (>ô_ô)> <(^.^<)

Lora: How the heck did you do that?!

Sneak: Ninja.

#### [__] (>ô_ô)> (|<(o.o<)

Lora: You dropped your fries.

Sneak: I got your bow.

#### [__] (>\_/)> (|<(o.o<)

Lora: Hey! That's my BOW! Do you have any idea how many hours I spent protecting Smilville from beasts with that thing? Do you have any idea how long it took me earn the right to carry a legalised weapon by proving my good intent to the Smil Court? Can you even possible imagine what it took for me to be awarded that bow from the old crone Snakeyes himself? Does it even occur to you how much effort went into demonstrating that a girl can be just as combat-ready as male?

Sneak: ...

#### [__] (>\_/)> (>n.n)>|)

Sneak: Sucker.

#### [__] - - -(>\_/)> - - -(>n.n)>|)

Lora: Get back here, thief! Guards! GUARDS!

#### [__] - - -(>\_/)>

#### [__] - - -

#### [__]

#### [__] *clank, clank, clank*

#### [__] *Clank, Clank, Clank!*

#### [__] *CLANK, CLANK, CLANK!*

#### [__] [>o_o]> <[o_o<]

Guard #1: Hm, it looks like the criminal got away.

#### [__] [>o_o]> <[-_-<]

Guard #2: Again? Damn it, that's five already, just today.

Guard #1: Actually, six, if you count that crazy guy who was slaughtering cows. Well, fifteen if you count each cow.

#### [__] [>o_o]> <[o_o<]

Guard #2: We really, really, *really* need some lighter armour. This plate mail is just ridiculous for a Smil to wear.

Guard #1: Yeah. Yeah, being able to run faster than drunken sloth with no legs *going backwards* might help us catch the criminals.

#### [__] [>o_o]> <[o_o<]

Guard #2: Hey, but on the upside...

Guard #1: Yeah?

#### [__] <[n_n<] <[o_o<]

Guard #2: We can totally have fries with that.

Guard #1: Awesome.

Will X manage to find an alternate source of milk for her plans of ultimate cosmic domination?

Can Lora possibly get her bow back from Sneak?

Do these new characters actually relate to the plot in any way? (Wait... we have a plot?!)

All this and more unnecessarily heavy armour, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!