<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part V: Oh, We Have a Plot
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
|||(v>_>)v v(<_<v)
Assistant: Do you think we should suggest him for...?
Barkeep: It might be a good idea. Who knows, with magic like that he might even actually be able to-
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
We now return to our two, uh, 'heroes' in the Near Beer as Dan and X learn to express their feelings, consider each other's opinion and settle upon a mutually beneficial compromise to their conflicts...
(vb_d)> v(-_ov)
X: You complete and utter FOOL! How do you plan on repaying me for that milk?
Dan: I... uh... Cows make milk...?
X: That does NOT HELP!
Or not.
|||v(o_ov)
Dan: Dad says his cows make cow love to make more cows!
X: Wait... Your father owns cows?
|||(v>_>)v
Dan: Uh, only one cow now. Her name is Bettie!
X: Hmm...
||| (v<_<)v
*t3h l33+ sneakage*
#### (v>_>)v [__]
*34r t3h sn34k*
#### (v<_<)v [__]
#### (v>_>)v [__]
#### (v?_?)v [__]
#### (v-_-)v [__]
#### [__] (v>_>)v
*still sneaking*
Later, our mysteriously sneaking Barkeep reaches his destination...
(v<_<)v v[o_ov] °#########
*thoroughly sick of sneaking by this point*
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: Guard! I must see the mayor! I have important information regarding the, uh, 'Mother' problem.
(>-_-)> <[o_o<] °#########
Guard #3: Oh really? What's the codeword?
Barkeep: Must we go through this? You know who I am! Just let me in!
(>;-_-)> <[o_O<] °#########
Guard #3: Without the codeword? Treason! The codeword must be said!
Barkeep: *sigh*
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[u_u<] °#########
Barkeep: Antidisestablishmenterianism
Guard #3: Sorry, you said it wrong.
(>?_?)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: What? I said antidisestablishmenterianism
Guard #3: That's not how you say it!
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: Oh for god's sake... antidisastablishmentarianism
Guard #3: Wrong.
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: Antedisestablishmentarianism?
Guard #3: Wrong.
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: Antidisestablashmentarianism?
Guard #3: Wrong.
(>\_/)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: GOD DAMN IT why couldn't you have a normal codeword like 'animal' or 'torch' or something?!
Guard #3: To make it harder to guess.
(>\_/)> <[o_o<] °#########
Barkeep: To make it [bleep]ing harder to SAY, you mean? Just let me in!
Guard #3: Look, the mayor is in the middle of a very important meeting right now and can't be disturbed.
(>-_-)> <[o_o<] °#########
Mayor: Rubber ducky, you're the one... You make bath time lots of fun...
(>ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_o;<] °#########
Barkeep: Yeah, because that's just tremendously-
(>Ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_O<] °#########
Mayor: Oh, touch me there rubber ducky. I love you, baby.
(>Ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_O<] °#########
(>Ŏ_ŏ)> <[o_O<] °#########
(>Ŏ_Ŏ)> <[o_o;<] °#########
Guard #3: I'll let you in if you forget you ever heard that.
Barkeep: Yes, good lord, YES.
One room entering later...
(>ŏ_ŏ)>
Barkeep: Mayor, are you...?
(>Ŏ_Ŏ)> võ_õv
Barkeep: OH DEAR GOD MY POOR VIRGIN EYES!
Mayor: Hullo there, old chap! How's things down at the old bar, eh?
(>Ŏ_Ŏ)> võ_õv
Barkeep: Put some clothes on! For the love of all that is good and holy and right PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
Mayor: I find clothes a bit too confining, don't you?
<(ŏ_ŏv) võ_õv
Barkeep: I'm just going to face... this way... now.
v(>_<v) võ_õv
Mayor: So, was it you wanted to tell me? Ducky is waiting!
Barkeep: Must... ignore... unwanted mental images...
v(ŏ_ŏv) <õ_õv
Barkeep: Okay. Images gone now.
Mayor: You know you've got a nice butt. I wish mine was still that fine.
v(Ŏ_Ŏv) <õ_õv
Barkeep: GAH! IMAGES BACK AGAIN!
Uh... Okay... Right. Meanwhile, in another different part of Asdfgh, a dark evil was brewing, much like a black coffee, but much, much more evil... And without sugar, or for that matter in cup. And the evil did not really like the idea of being drunk, either, which is in fact the primary purpose of coffee. Actually, you know what, the whole coffee analogy was just way off. But that point I'm trying to make is that it was EVIL. And, even more importantly, the evil was in the midst of planning an actual diabolical PLOT!
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
Necro: Hmm, let's see. Evil plots. Evil plots, evil plots, evil plots...
﴾>n_n﴿>
Necro: Oh! I know! How about I travel back in time to before I was born and kill my own parents to ensure a paradox SO ILLOGICAL it will consume the entire time stream for eons to come!
﴾>ò_-﴿>
Necro: Wait, that won't work. I have yet to uncover the secrets of time travel, and it would take one of even greater intellect then MINE to solve such a near-impossible conundrum. So, what else have I got to work with...
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
Necro: I'm an evil genius who has studied for years the arts of necromancy, hence my rather uncreative nickname. I also know some pretty advanced demonology and summoning rites. Realistically I'm not too tough in combat myself, but I can summon hoards of undead at a pinch, and I'm not too shabby at death-related magic.
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
Necro: So, I must contrive a plot that best encompasses these various talents in order to dominate Asdfgh effectively and with a minimum of potential-slave wastage, without risking myself unduly in the process.
﴾>ò_ó﴿>
﴾>-_-﴿>
Necro: Screw it, I'll just summon the devil or something.
﴾>^_^﴿>
Necro: MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Back in Smilville, the Barkeep and the Mayor discuss important matters in regards to the, uh, 'Mother' problem.
v(ŏ_ŏv) <-_õv
Mayor: You mean to tell me you think this wizard, Xenawhateverhernamewas, may actually be able to *kill* Her.
Barkeep: I know it's a long shot. But it might be the only chance we have.
v(ŏ_ŏv) võ_õv
Mayor: Hmm. Was he annoying, this Xenadamnedifican'trememberthename?
Barkeep: Very. Trust me, very.
v(ŏ_ŏv) v-_õv
Mayor: I guess we'll send her off then. I really doubt those young whippersnappers would stand any more of a chance than the last bunch though.
Barkeep: But if we also send along some other strong fighters they might stand a chance. My assistant and also spotted some crazy guy killing cows who could use a sword reasonably well, and that thief Sneak has still been managing to avoid capture by our guards. (Not that that's actually hard or anything.)
v(\_/v) võ_õv
Mayor: Are they annoying?
Barkeep: YES, damn it. Extremely.
v(<_<v) v^_^v
Mayor: Okay then, they can go to!
Barkeep: YOU'RE annoying, how about we send you...
v(<_<v) võ_õv
Mayor: What?
Barkeep: Never mind. I'm just saying, it seems too much of a coincidence to be, well, just a coincidence. We need to send out our very best to have a maximum chance of success! As your close adviser and friend, I beg you to consider it!
v(-_-v) v^_^v
Mayor: I know... how about I ask ducky?
Barkeep: How the hell did you become mayor again?
Teh flashbackage.
(>õ_õ)> (>?_?)> (>?_?>) <(?_?<) <(?_?<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Barkeep: Vote for me and I'll reduce alcohol tax by fifty percent!
Smils: Hmm, who should we vote for?
(>õ_õ)> <(O_O<) <(O_O<) <(O_O<) <(O_O<) <(u_u<)
Not-actually-the-mayor-yet-in-this-flashback: And so, to conclude my previous arguments, if you don't vote for me I shall become a nudist.
Smils: We'll vote for you! We'll vote for you! JUST KEEP YOUR PANTS ON!
Teh flashbackage endage.
v(-_-v) võ_õv
Barkeep: I should have won that election.
Mayor: Ducky says quack. Quack means yes.
v(ŏ_Ŏv) v<_<v
Barkeep: Is this how you make all your decisions?!
Mayor: ...Maybe.
v(ŏ_ŏ;v) võ_õv
Barkeep: Ugh... Ask ducky if you should put some pants on.
v(ŏ_ŏv) võ_õv
v(ŏ_ŏv) võ_õv
Mayor: Ducky says quack.
Barkeep: Great! So-
Mayor: Quack means no.
v(-_-v) võ_õv
Barkeep: Just put some damn clothes on.
What is the mysterious 'Mother' problem that the Mayor has?
Do the Barkeep or Mayor actually have real names?
And more importantly, will the Mayor put some pants on?
All this, but hopefully with more clothing, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!