<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part VI: Congratulations, You've Just Been Volunteered!
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
v(ŏ_ŏv) <-_õv
Mayor: You mean to tell me you think this wizard, Xenawhateverhernamewas, may actually be able to *kill* Her.
Barkeep: I know it's a long shot. But it might be the only chance we have.
Outside of time, on the Legend of Smil:
{>‹›_‹›}>--o
????: Okay, SERIOUSLY. You realise nobody is actually going to be stupid enough to start reading half way through the story. Everybody KNOWS what happened previously. You don't need to state it again.
It's there in order to REMIND people what happened. Just in case they forgot since the last part.
{>‹›_‹›}>--o
????: Forget? Forget WHAT? This story doesn't exactly have the most complex plot in the world you know?
Look, be quiet. You're being introduced in this damn part, so don't forget who's narrating who.
{>‹›_‹›}>--o
????: I'm just saying it's a complete and utter waste of-
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
{v._.}v
????: I'll be good.
Outside of time, on the Legend of Smil:
{>\_/}>--o
????: WILL YOU STOP BRINGING THAT UP!
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
Okay, but back to the actual story again, we now return to X, in the middle of her renewed attempt to obtain the necessary components for the legendary 'Cow Bomb' spell...
(>b_d)>
X: My clearly superior intellect is not mistaken that this was the farm Dan described, so why then are there no cows?
(>b_d)>
X: Ah, perhaps this person shall help me. Farmer!
(>b_d)> <(\_/<)
Dan's Father: Hey! What are you doing on my land?! Didn't you see the 'keep out' sign?!
(>b_d)> <(?_?<)
X: I noticed no such sign.
Dan's Father: That's strange... I had the sign right by the entrance... What could have happened to it?
3... 2... 1... Make flashback go now.
(>o.o)> □||
Sneak: Okay, if the sign says so, I'd better respect this person's wishes and keep out.
(>o.o)> □||
Sneak: ...
□<(^.^<)- - - ||
Sneak: Mwa-ha-ha.
3... 2... 1... Make flashback end now.
(>b_d)> <(o_o<)
X: I have come to ask a favour.
Dan's Father: A favour? What do you want? If Dan has done anything it wasn't my fault!
(>b_d)> <(o_o<)
X: Nevertheless Dan has stolen milk from me, and now I demand compensation! In milk form.
Dan's Father: *mutter, mutter* Fine. I apologise for my son's mistake - even though it wasn't my fault *in any way*. I hope you weren't too harsh on him.
(>>_>)> <(o_o<)
X: Heh, uh...
Dan's Father: You see, it's not his fault he's so, uh, challenged. When he was younger, there was an incident that-
(>\_/)> <(._.<)
X: I'm sorry, do I LOOK like I care? Bring forth the milk or you too shall suffer!
Dan's Father: Yes sir, sorry sir.
(>b_d)> <(o_o<)
Dan's Father: I don't actually have any milk on me, but Bettie should be ready to milk again by now.
X: Yes, do so.
(>b_d)>
(>-_-)> /=P <(o_o<)
X: ... Uh, that's not a cow.
(>-_-)> /=P <(?_?<)
Dan's Father: What? Sure she is!
X: That does not look like a cow. It looks nothing like a cow. That looks more like a cheeky Gorb in a floppy hat than a cow.
(>b_d)> /=P <(o_O<)
Dan's Father: It's a cow! Seriously! It's got legs, a body and head! It makes milk and everything!
X: Cows are not the only animals to produce milk, have legs, have a body, or have a head. And that IS NOT A COW.
Oh for God's sake...
(>9_9)> /=P <(o_o<)
Cow: Moo! Moo! MOOOOOOOO!
Dan's Father: I think it's trying to tell you something.
X: Oh, just milk it. What's the worst that could happen?
(>b_d)> /=P(o_o<)
*milk, milk, milk*
X: Oh wait, I know. I could end up with a 'squirrel bomb' spell. Yeah, that'll be really cosmically dominating. Tremendously so, just, on a previously umrecorded scale of sheer epic-ness there. You don't mess with a squirrel. By god, if one of those exploded it would just shatter the very foundations of existence on which we inhabit, unaware of the immense power possessed by the squirrel. Clearly my previous engagements with squirrels have just been merely carefully calculated illusions to delude me into ignorance of their true unimaginable, unfeasible power, the knowledge of which would just cause my brain to implode in awe of-
(>b_d)> /=P U<(o_o<) *clank, clank, clank*
Dan's Father: Are you quiet finished? I've had enough sarcasm for today, thanks. Have your milk.
X: Thanks. No really, thanks a lot. You have no IDEA how much I appreciate this favour. Why, this favour even-
(>;b_d)>U<(\_/<)/=P *Clank, Clank, Clank!*
Dan's Father: JUST TAKE IT!
(>\_/)> (>o_o)>/=P *CLANK, CLANK, CLANK!*
X: Blast it, what IS that noise?
Dan's Father: I'm out of here. Come on, Bettie.
Cow: Moo.
(>b_d)> <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
Guard #1: You're Xenaphoneysomethingoranother, right?
X: It's *Xenaphobianationbloodspellonionring*, but yes.
(>b_d)> <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
Guard #1: Right. The mayor requests your presence in regard to a pressing issue.
X: Regarding what?
Guard #2: No idea. We're apparently not important enough to know.
(>b_d)> <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
X: No. I have the ultimate cosmos to dominate.
(>?_?)> [>o_o]> <[o_o<]
Guard #1: (Great. I supposed we're going to have to...?)
Guard #2: (Just bloody brilliant. Come on then, one three. One, two...)
(>\_/)>– <==+<[o_o<]<==+<[o_o<]
*Schwing!* *Schwing!*
X: Oh really? *EFLAM*
(>;\_/)>– <==+<[o_o;<]<==+<[o_o;<]
Guard #1: ...
Guard #2: ...
X: ...
(vX_xv)==+<[o_o<] <==+<[o_o<]
*WHACK!*
(vX_xv) <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
*ka-sheath*
(vX_xv) <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
(vX_xv) <[u_u<] <[\_/<]
Guard #1: Great. now we have to CARRY him.
Guard #2: Son of a-
(vX_xv) [>O_o]> <[O_O<]
Guard #2: GAHBURNINGPAINOHGODTHEARMOURDOESNOTHING!!!
Guard #1: ...
(vX_xv) [>u_u]> <[;_;<]
Guard #2: Owwie.
Guard #1: Why do we wear this [bleep]ing armour again?
That delayed magic joke is getting a bit old. But on another matter entirely, let's cut to Sneak. I wonder what he's up to?
/=P- - -
^(n.n^)- - - <(;_;<)- - -
Sneak: Mwa-ha-ha.
Dan's Father: Bettie! Come back with her!
Cow: Moo?
I know, stupid question.
/=P- - -
<[o_o<]^(>.<^)- - - <(;_;<)
*WHAM*
Sneak: Owwie.
/=P- - -
[>O_o]> [>O_o]> v(u.uv) v(O_Ov)
Dan's Father: Bettie!
Cow: Moooo!!
*CRASH*
[>O_o]> [>O_o]> v(u.uv) v(O_Ov)- - -
Dan's Father: BETTIE!
<[o_O<] <[o_O<] v(<.<v)
Dan's Father: BETTIE! Moo to me, dear god, moo to me!
Cow: M- *cough* moo...
[>o_o]> [>\_/]> v(<.<v)
*sneakiness*
Guard #2: HEY! You stay right there!
[>o_o]> [>o_o]> <(u.u<)
Guard #1: We have to inform you, the mayor requests your presence in regard to a pressing issue.
Guard #2: Also, you're under arrest.
[>;o_o]> [>;o_o]> <(o.o<)
Sneak: You've got to catch me first.
^(n.n^)
[>o_o]> [>o_o]>
*dodged*
*poof*
(>n.n)> [>?_?]> [>?_?]>
(>n.n)>[>\_/]> <[o_o<]
*poke*
<==+<[\_/<]<(n.n<)<[o_o<]
*poof* *poke*
[>;-_-]>+==><==+<[\_/<]<(n.n<)
*poof* *poke*
Guard #2: [bleep]ING HEAVY ARMOUR!
[>o_o]> >O_o> [ ]<(^.^<)
*ka-steal!*
[>o_o]> >\_/> <[^.^<]
Sneak: Got your armour!
^[n.n]^
[>o_o]> >\_/>+==>
*do-*
[>o_o]> >\_/>+==><[o.o<]
*THUNK*
[>o_o]> >o_o>+==><[o.o<]
[>o_o]> >n_n>+==[vx.Xv]
*WHACK!*
And with that little escapade over, we return to Dan as he embarks upon a new quest of the utmost importance...
|||(>^_^)>
Dan: I will quest for chippies!
|||(>[]\_/)>+––
Dan: For great justice.
####(>[]O_O)>+–– [__]
Dan: *gasp*! A container of extra-super-mega-ultra-large fries!
#### (>;_;)>[__]
Dan: Aww... It's empty...
#### [__](>O_o)>
Dan: Wait, what's this... A chippie! But it's all flat... Too flat... Why the only way anyone could ever manage to flatten a chip SO flat, would be if they were wearing something as heavy as...
#### [__](>\_/)> *clank, clank, clank*
Dan: Oh, no more mister nice Dan.
#### [__](>\_/)>+–– *Clank, Clank, Clank!*
*schwing*
#### [__](>[]\_/)>+––*CLANK, CLANK, CLANK!*
*ka-shield!*
#### [__](>[]\_/)>+–– <[o_o<] <[o_o<]
Guard #1: Hello. The mayor requests your presence in regard to-
Dan: FOR GREAT JUSTICE!
Guard #1: Wait, what?
#### [__] (>[]\_/)>+––<[o_O<] <[o_O<]
*chink, chink, chink!*
#### [__] (>[]\_/)>+––<[o_o<] <[o_o<]
*chink, chink, chink!*
#### [__] (>[]o_o)>+––<[o_o<] <[o_o<]
*chink, chink... chink?*
#### [__] (>[]._.)>+––<[^_^<] <[O_O<]
*chink.*
Guard #1: So THAT'S it! That's why we wear this heavy armour!
Guard #2: It all makes sense now!
#### [__] (vX_xv)==+<[n_n<] <[n_n<]
*WHACK!*
What is it that the guards are 'collecting' our 'heroes' for?
Will Bettie be-
{>\_/}>--o
????: OH NO YOU MOTHER[bleep]ING DON'T! YOU HAVEN'T INTRODUCED ME YET!
But... we're kind of already running overtime...
{>\_/}>--o
????: I DON'T GIVE A [bleep]! I've waited six episodes for this I'm not waiting one more! I'm sure the readers can put up with an oversized part!
FINE. But it's your fault if I get any hate mail. I have a template to stick to here!
{>-_-}>--o
????: You'd be lucky to get any FAN mail, let alone hate mail.
You don't have to say it like that... Anyway, we now (reluctantly) continue this part as we return to Lora, who has taken a walk down to the local church...
†
(vô_ô)v ###
Lora: ... And forgive Sneak for his sinful actions, for he knows not what he does. Mighty Lord, guide us all in our time of need. Amen.
† v{‹›_‹›v}
(>Ô_Ô)> ###
Lora: *gasp!* My... my lord?!
God: It is I. (And it's about [bleep]ing time.)
† v{<_<v}
(>ô_ô)> ###
Lora: Pardon, my Lord?
God: Nothing, nothing.
† <{‹›_‹›v}
(>ô_ô)> ###
Lora: Why is it you bless me with your presence?
God: You, Lora, have been chosen for an important task. At first it may seem strange, or even unfair to you, but this is because only YOU are capable of achieving it. Accept what comes your way with good faith, and all shall be rewarded in the end. And, uh, don't worry about Sneak. I'll... deal with him.
Elsewhere...
~~~ Zap! - - -<(O.O<)
*dodged!*
^(O.O^)
Zap! ~~~
*dodged!*
Zap! ~~~
<(O.O<)- - -
*dodged!*
[>O_o]> [>O_o]> <(O.O<)- - -Zap! ~~~
*dodged!*
Guard #2: What. The. [bleep].
Back in the church...
† *ka-gone!*
(vô_ô)v ###
Lora: Thank you my Lord, I will do as you wish.
God: Goodbye for now, Lora.
†
[vo_o]v [vo_o]v <(ô_ô<) ###
Lora: Hello. What is it you want?
Guard #1: The mayor requests your presence in regard to a pressing issue.
Lora: I would be more than happy to oblige.
†
[v>_>]v v[>_>v] <(ô_ô<) ###
†
[v>_>]v v[<_<v] <(ô_ô<) ###
Guard #1: ...
Guard #2: ...
†
[v>_>]v v[>_>v] <(ô_ô<) ###
†
[vo_o]v [>o_o]>+==(vx_Xv) ###
*WHACK!*
What is it that the guards are 'collecting' our 'heroes' for?
Will Bettie be okay after her sudden flight?
Does anybody *really* care that this part is, like, twice as long as the last?
All this, but a lot less length, in the next part of the Legend of Smil!