<(^_^<) The Legend of Smil (>\_/)>
Part VIII: The Generic Quest
Previously, on the Legend of Smil:
[>o_o]>+==> <(u.u<) (>;b_d)> (>-_-)> <==+<[o_o<] <(\_/<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
*ka-guard!* *ka-guard!*
Mayor: I SAID the Mayor is going to tell you a story, and tell you a story the Mayor is going to. Now you can sit down and listen like good little children or I can tie you up again with DUCT TAPE and let's see you break out of THAT!
This time, on the Legend of Smil:
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(n_n<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Mayor: Great! Now it all began many years ago, in the time of Human...
Long before Smil ever roamed across Asdfgh, or indeed, before it was ever known by that name, it was once occupied by a strange race known as Human.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(\_/<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Mayor: HEY! I'M TELLING THIS STORY!
I'm sorry, WHO'S the narrator?
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(u_u<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Mayor: ... *mutter, mutter*
Damn right. Now, the Human were a strange race indeed. Unlike Smil, whom are mostly horizontal, Human stood up vertically. Their bodies were all weak and squashy with stick-like limbs poking out, and as a result there were very frail and fell over a lot.
o o
/|\ /|\
/\ /\
Human: So, how's the stock market going?
Other Human: No, no, it's going great! Why I made-
o
/|\ *whoosh*
/\ o-<-<
*thump*
Human: GOD DAMN IT, not again!
Despite their flaws, Human somehow managed to effectively dominate pretty much the whole world, using mysterious technological machines. These machines were of great power, far more powerful than any magic Smil could ever hope to harness and well beyond any technically Smil have mastered today, and they used these for the advancement of their own race.
o]
/|/
/\
Human: And I was like, you know, totally!
o] \o/- - -
/|/ |- - -
/\ /\- - -
Other Human: OH MY GOD! How can you be missing the football preliminary finals?!
Human: No, it's okay, I've got live updates on my phone.
Unfortunately, despite all these great inventions, the world was not at peace. Foolish, worthless and trivial matters such as race or religion-
{>_}>--o
God: EXCUSE me?!
-divided the world, and wars all too frequently broke out. As more and more powerful weapons were developed, the consequences grew more and more deadly. One fateful day an act of pointless terrorism sparked anger in the two so-called world 'super powers', USA and China. The USA, under corrupt and incompetent government, went to war with all its allies behind it. China quickly responded in kind. This day is now known as the Great Mistake.
*BOOM!!*
|| \o/ o
|| | /|\
/\ /\
Pres: What happen?
Vice-Pres: Somebody set up us the bomb!
*BOOM, KABOOM*
|| \o/ o
|| | /|\[ *ring, ring*
/\ /\
Vice-Pres: We get signal.
Pres: What! Main screen turn on.
|| o [o
|| /|\ \|\
/\ /\
Vice-Pres: Oh, it's for you.
*KABOOM, BOOM, KABOOM!*
|| o] o
|| /|/ /|\
/\ /\
Pres: It's you!!
Voice: How are you gentlemen! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
*BOOOOOOOOM!!*
|| o] o
|| /|/ /|\
/\ /\
Pres: What you say!!
Voice: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha... *click*
|| o o
|| /|\ /|\
/\ /\
Vice-Pres: Well?
Pres: I think it was a wrong number.
*MOTHER [bleep]ING BOOM!!*
|| o o
|| /|\ /|\
/\ /\
Pres: [bleep] this, let's bomb someone. You know what you doing.
Vice-Pres: Bomb 'Zig'. For great justice.
The nuclear battle that followed devastated the whole world. By the time all the countries had thrown in their lot, the world as they knew it had been destroyed. The few Human that did not die instantly, died slowly. It was the greatest massacre of all time.
{>9_9}>--o
God: Yep, no thinly coated subliminal morals here.
And yet, not all was lost. From the ruins of humanity three powerful races managed to survive against all odds:
(>o_o)>
Smil: Hello! Remember me?
Smil at first were nothing more than a glob of radioactive goo. However the radioactivity someone hastened their cellular division, fast lining their evolution. At first they reproduced only asexually, but eventually they began to form into two genders and reproduce with all the usual organs. Over time the Smil evolved faces, arms, bodies, but somehow never got the grasp of those spindly leg things, instead sliming around the place on their round, stable torso. The Smil's quick regeneration and duplication soon caused them to spread all over the new landscape of Asdfgh (named so by the Smil, on the basis that all that was left was A Sad Dry [bleep]ing Garbage Hole). So different was their cellular structure compared to Human that some were even able to use strange, almost magical powers.
:-D
Gorb: I get a mention!
After the Great Mistake, not all Human were strictly killed. Some survived against all odds, changed beyond reason. Their DNA had been altered similar to Smil, and they survived only with strictly minimal bodies, so light they could float, and little more than a floating head. They too had access to the strange powers, and the few with them used these powers to survive. The survival of the fittest soon resulted in all surviving Gorb being able to use magic, far more powerfully than any Smil, simply because they needed it. Still the Gorb were of Human nature, and with this power came fighting. For many years Gorbs wrecked havoc upon the already devastated land in order to survive. It is thus in some way ironic that extremely few are left alive in the current time, and certainly none that need mention in this story.
(=<
And cockroaches. Yes, those little irritating buggers STILL did not die no matter how bombed they were. They were also affected by the nuclear radiation, but their bodily structure did not fundamentally change - they became tougher and more resistant than ever, but few changed beyond just those same old annoying cockroaches.
(=<
Cockroach: ... I do NOT look like a cockroach.
Don't YOU start too.
[>o_o]>+==> <(u.u<) (>\_/)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: That's terribly interesting and all, but what exactly is it supposed to have to do with US?!
Sneak: Most. Contrived. Back-story. Ever.
[>O_O]><==+<(^.^<) (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(-_-<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
*steal*
Mayor: I'm getting to that...
Once Gorbs had faded into unimportance, and without the harming influence of Human, the land gradually began to restore itself. In removed locations rare examples of other surviving species were found, such as cows or squirrels (although which is which still confuses many a scholar), and these began to slowly multiply again. Strong Smil also used their magic to aid this, bringing life back to dead plants and lesser animals that kick started the land back into prosperity. It took hundreds of years for things to be even close to what they were, and they still are not today, but with careful foresight Asdfgh may one day be fully restored to the Glory Days.
(>o_o)> <(\_/<)
Mage #1: But do we *really* need to bring back flies?
Mage #2: YES. They are a vital part of the food chain!
(>^_^)> <(-_-;<)
Mage #1: Well... can we at least make them pink?
Mage #2: Fine, whatever.
Needless to say this didn't always go exactly as planned. Anyway, despite the time that had passed, there was still one pressing concern to Asdfgh - radiation. Certain areas where major cities had once existed were so heavily bombed that the nuclear radiation was still as strong and dangerous as ever. Any staying in the areas for too long were horribly changed and became a danger to others, as well as usually dying rather quickly.
{ooo}
|| (>o_o)>o (>n_n<)
*crunch*
Smil #1: Man, these are some good apples.
Smil #2: You're not kidding. I wonder why everybody avoids this place anyway?
{ooo}
|| (>O_O)>o <(._o<)
Smil #1: ...
Smil #2: What? What? Is there something on my face?
Unfortunately several years an incident occurred that was, for lack of better explanation, very, very bad. One colony of cockroaches had been chased out of a Smil city Cismi after a mass government-sponsored cleaning, and having nowhere else to go they entered the remains of an old Human city. For a while it looked as if nothing had happened - until one year ago, when a massive army of large mutant cockroaches entered the city and attacked. The prolonged exposure to radiation had resulted in them becoming radioactive, poisoning anything they touched. Battle broke out, but the city was defeated and abandoned.
(>\_/)>--# (>\_/)>--# (>\_/)>--# >=) >=) >=)
Housewives: Out! Out! SHOO!
<(O_O<) <(O_O<) <(O_O<) (=< (=< (=<
Cockroaches: *Hiss!* *Hiss!* *HISS!*
But the worst had yet to come. Leading the cockroaches in their assault was a truly massive cockroach, strong, agile, and utterly, utterly unkillable. This Mother Cockroach had someone risen above cockroach kind, gaining a level of sentience equal to any Smil, though none could figure out how. As the next closest city, the Mother Cockroach struck a deal with the previous Mayor - she would order her armies to stay away from all Smil, if we were to send several sacrifices to her every month. The previous mayor had tried to trick the Mother Cockroach, but he was discovered and consumed. Once new elections were held the new Mayor agreed to the terms. From that day forth, every month the most annoying of individuals of Smilville have been sent off to the Mother Cockroach.
[>\_/]>+==> (>;.;)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(^_^<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Mayor: And so, to conclude, the Barkeep and I believe your magical, evasion and archery skills together may just be powerful enough to finally defeat the Mother Cockroach once and for all. And we all live happily ever after, the end.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Lora: I will gladly lend my bow to the service of Smilville, although I must express my disapproval of this blatant injustice being kept secret prior to this occasion. This is not the kind of problem that should be just swept under the rug - the citizens of this city have a *right* to know about any threats. And I hope you will forgiven my extreme shock at your willingness to sacrifice fellow Smils at the order of an evil!
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>u_u)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: Well, SOMEBODY has to say it, but that sounds just a bit suss, don't you think? Every month you send out sacrifices, but oh, you *really* think that we can defeat this Mother Cockroach. And we just HAPPEN to be among the most annoying Smil.
Sneak: Totally.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> <(๔_๔<) <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Lora: I would not consider myself annoying. Surely I being included must demonstrate the seriousness of the task?
Sneak: You can get very preachy.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>;_;)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(<_<<)
Lora: Is this true?!
Barkeep: It... uh... it does get on my customers nerves a bit.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>>_>)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: So, say, just hypothetically, one were to *refuse* this task...
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(\_/<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Mayor: DAMN IT you you young whippersnappers will DO AS YOU'RE TOLD! Now you can quit your bloody whining and get your butt out there and SLAY that Mother Cockroach or you're all banished from this city FOREVER!
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>9_9)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: That would sound slightly more intimidating where you not holding a rubber duck while speaking it.
Sneak: She's not kidding.
Barkeep: Look, how about this. I suggest that if they somehow, uh, that is, *once* they succeed they all be heavily rewarded.
Mayor: Oh, alright. If you succeed you can pick your own reward.
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
[>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
[>o_o]>+==> (>^.^)> (>^_^)> (>^_^)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: I would be rewarded with full access to all of the city's magical artefacts in order to speedily advance my ultimate cosmic domination.
Sneak: I want free pick of the treasury.
Lora: I would not have myself be rewarded for such an act, but instead have a free shelter and school constructed and maintained for the homeless.
Dan: I want CHIPPIES!
(>^_^)> [>;o_o]>+==> <(u.u<) <(b_d;<) <(ิ_ิ<) <==+<[o_o;<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_Ŏ<)
Lora: Oh my gosh, Dan! I completely forgot you were down there too! I'm so sorry!
Sneak: Great, now the moron is coming.
X: How did YOU manage to escape?!
Barkeep: I KNEW there were four of them!
(>n_n)>~r [>o_o]>+==> <(u.u<) <(b_d<) <(๔_๔<) <==+<[o_o<] <(-_-<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Dan: my new Ratty friend helped me escape!
Ratty: *Squeak*
Mayor: Oh, I am NOT going through everything again. Just pick your reward.
(>o_o)> [>o_o]>+==> <(o.o<) <(b_d<) <(๔_๔<) <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(Ŏ_Ŏ<)
Dan: I want... an order of double-extra-super-mega-ultra-large fries!
Barkeep: Double-extra-super-mega-ultra-large fries?! No! The legendary order of fries SO UPSIZED it is said were anyone to consume them all he would simply explode from an overload of fat and salt?!
Dan: The very same.
Barkeep: God save us.
(>o_o)> [>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>;-_-)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(<_<<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
X: What the HELL are you talking about? Let's just go already.
Mayor: Yes, do so. Go. Now.
(>[]^_^)>+ [>o_o]>+==> (>o.o)> (>b_d)> (>๔_๔)> <==+<[o_o<] <(๕_๕<) <(ŏ_ŏ<)
Dan: For great justice!
Could this be the beginning of our 'heroes' epic adventure?
Do you think they'll ever do something worthy of removing the quotes from around that word?
How DOES a cockroach become sentient, anyway?
All this and more, invariably spread out over many future parts, of the Legend of Smil.