***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode One - A Pub With No Beer?! [A wise man once said: All good adventures start with a chance meeting in a tavern...] (Alex is the Homtown tavern, sitting at a table by himself. The tavern is very crowded and noisy. Ronald the barkeep is standing behind the bar, and Sally the barmaid is standing in front of it.) Voice: Did you hear what happened to Monica? Voice: I know! I can't believe it! She should have... Voice: You think that's good? You should have seen me yesterday! I managed to take on THREE tigers at once, barehanded. Voice: Woh, dude. That kicks rocks! I've never... Voice: Bah, you young people think you're so great. Back in my day we... Alex: *glug glug glug*. Ahh... Hey! Sally! Sally: What? Don't tell me you've finished off *another* glass already? You won't be able to walk home at this rate! Alex: What are you talking about? It would take a lot more than this to make me drunk. Some people can take a lot of ale... and some people just can't. Sally: Well if your swaying is anything to indicate, you'd be one of the latter. Alex: Hey! I was just... relaxing. Yeah, that's it. Relaxing. Sally: Sure you were... So you want another round or not? Alex: Nah, I'll be fine. I just need to rest for a bit. Actually... ah, what the heck. Bring forth the ale! Sally: Aren't you forgetting something? Alex: What, to pay? Just put it on my tab. Sally: I don't think so, buster. You already owe like, nearly fifty gold on your tab. It's cash or nothing. Alex: Fifty gold?! Are you sure you aren't mistaking me for someone else? Sally: Who else can 'take' ten glasses in a single sitting? Alex: Ten? I drank that much? God, no wonder my head ached so much this morning... Man, my dad's gonna kill me if he finds out I owe that much. I'll pay it back, but can we just keep this between us? Please, for me? Sally: What, aside from half the tavern that you're yelling over? Alex: Uh... yeah. Aside from them. Now, bring me another glass my good lady! Sally: That's what I was going to say. I can't. Alex: What? Why now? Sally: Aside from the fact I would love to see you try and walk here without falling over, I can't move. I'm an NPC remember? Alex: NPC? Yeah, but that doesn't mean you can't move! Sally: Yes, it does. You know just as well as I do that NPCs can only stand still or move randomly. If I did that you'd be sober before I got there. Alex: But... you're a barmaid! It's your job to move! Sally: It's not the point. NPCs *never* move intelligently. Alex: What about the ones those ones that always walk in your way and trap you for long periods of time while you wait for them to move again? Sally: Okay, fair point. But I can't just start moving now. It wouldn't be right. Alex: Wouldn't be right... Sally, as a barmaid it is your job to take orders and deliver them. You, of all NPCs, should be able to move where you want. It defeats your whole purpose if you can't! Sally: Oh, so the rules should just apply sometimes? Everyone has to follow them! Imagine if the shopkeepers went home for the night when you were out of antidotes, the bad guys kept changing their base location, the inn keepers went on vacation, or that drunken guy over there stopped spinning over and over! Voice: Hey! Sally: The whole place would just fall into chaos. So THAT'S why I won’t move. Alex: Fine, then. I'll just go without another ale for now. (The drunk spinning around walks up to the bar (still spinning as he does so), pauses, then returns to his seat.) (Marche appears at the front of the tavern, and looks around. Seeing no spare spots, he walks up the table Alex occupies) Marche: Do you mind if I sit here? Alex: Yes, actually. Marche: Oh. I was actually only asking to be polite. There's nowhere else TO sit. (Marche sits down opposite Alex) Marche: Uh... Alex: So... Marche: Yeah. Alex: Well... Marche: Hmmm... Alex: Umm... Marche: Well THAT was a riveting conversation. Let’s try again. Marche: Hi, I'm Marche! Alex: Okay. I'm Alex, sword fighter extraordinaire. Marche: Really? Alex: No. No, not really. Marche: Oh. I'm a ranger. Alex: Really? Marche: Yes, really! Alex: I haven't seen you around here before. Marche: Oh, I just moved here with my dad. Marche: So anyway, can I join your adventure? Alex: W-what?! Marche: Your adventure. Can I join it? Like, as a sidekick. Alex: I have NO idea what you're on about. Marche: *sigh* I would like to join up as a party member for whatever adventure, quest or any other style of journey that you happen to be the hero of at the moment. Alex: Uh... I'm not on an adventure, quest or whatever the heck else it was you said. I'm just here to get drunk off my arse, and that's about it. Marche: What do you mean? Of course you're the hero. And you couldn't be a hero if you weren't about to embark on a perilous quest of epic proportions, fraught with danger but rewarded aptly with treasure and honour. Alex: No... No not really. What makes you think I'm a hero? Marche: Okay. First of all, you look heroic. Everyone else in this bar is wearing really boring and standard clothes, yet you seem to be wearing excessively complicated clothing. Alex: Hey, you're the one wearing a headband. Seriously, what's the point of that? Is it supposed to make you look cool or something? Marche: A headband is designed to collect sweat when I perform physical activities such as shooting nasty monsters with my bow. Alex: So, why does it need to be so long, and why are you wearing it when you are going into a tavern? Marche: Darts. Alex: What? Marche: Darts! I might get sweaty when I play darts! Alex: Uh... I'm going to ignore the lack of a dartboard for the moment, and return to my previous question of exactly why I am supposed to be a hero. Just because I wear different clothes doesn't make me special. Marche: Right. Next of all, you're having a whole conversation. If you stop to listen to everyone else they're just repeating the same fragments of talk over and over again. Alex: Yeah, right. Marche: No, listen! Voice: Did you hear what happened to Monica? Voice: I know! I can't believe it! She should have... Alex: Oh-kay... Meh, they're probably just drunk. Unlike them, I can take a fair amount of beer without acting like a moron. That doesn't make me heroic, it just means I've had more practise. Because all I've ever done for excitement is come down here and get drunk. Marche: Wait... how did you learn to use a sword then? Alex: Oh that. I'm... I'm not really sure. I know there was a good reason... but I seem unable to remember all of a sudden. That's weird. Marche: Ah-ha! That's because the hero's personal information is given away slowly throughout their adventure to increase interest and add an element of... Alex: No wait, I remember. Some random guy taught me one day when I was drunk. I don't even own a sword of my own. Now are you finished, cause I'm just about ready for another drink. Marche: The camera follows you. Alex: WHAT?! Marche: Never mind. Alex: Look, even if I was a hero, why should I have to go on an adventure? I have everything I need in life. I may not be the richest person here, but I have enough money to get by in relative comfort. I don't have any desires to see the world or vanquish evil. I don't mind getting drunk every other day. In fact, I enjoy getting drunk every other day, and more often if possible. Marche: But... you're a hero! It is your destiny to search down and hunt one great evil or another and save the world from some type of previously inevitable destruction. Alex: Woh, back up. Save the world? That sounds WAY too dangerous. If I tried to do that I'd probably just get killed by the first random encounter I had. Being a hero doesn't mean I'm powerful enough to defeat evil! Marche: Well not now, but later... Alex: Oh, just drop it. I'm not a hero, I'm not going on an adventure, and therefore you can not be my sidekick. Anyway, bows suck. Marche: ... Excuse me? Alex: Bows. They suck. If I was going to have a sidekick, which I'm not, I'm hardly going to have some ranger with me. I'd be cut to pieces before you could draw an arrow. Also, arrows cost money to buy. Money which could be better spent on beer. Marche: ... You know, some rangers could easily be quick to judge with unfair comments like that. Alex: And that would be a shame wouldn't it. I'm just being realistic. Bows are nowhere near as useful in combat as a melee weapon. Marche: Oh yeah? How about we just see about that then? En guard! Or something. (Marche steps back and faces Alex) Alex: Hey, I think you're going a bit overboard, I'm sorry okay, I... Marche: Prepare yourself! (Zoom in battle-style to Alex. A second later everything is normal.) Marche: SIKE! I'm not really going to fight you! I don't even have my bow with me! ^_^ (Marche sits back down.) Alex: ... -_-' You're an idiot, you know that? Marche: Heh, you take things too seriously. So come on, what about that adventure? Alex: I told you, I'm not going on an adventure! Marche: Look. You HAVE to go an adventure. You can't avoid it. If you don't go seeking adventure, it will seek you. You are a HERO. It is your DESTINY. There's no avoiding it! You have to stay strong in the face of temptation and defeat all the evils that would try and stop you! Somewhere out in the world there's an evil bad guy with your name on him, waiting to be vanquished for the greater good! This series is called Really Pathetic Genre for a reason you know, not Really Pissed Guys! Alex: ... I think you've had a bit too much to drink. Marche: If this is going to be the level of humour for the rest of this series, I don't think I've had *enough* to drink. Alex: At least that's one thing we can agree on. Alex: Sally! Get your butt down here and fetch us another beer each! My shout. Sally: No. Alex: What do you mean 'no'? Sally: What do you mean 'what do you mean 'no'?'? What else is no supposed to mean? Yes? Aside from the fact that I *can't* walk down there... we're out of beer. (Alex jumps) Alex: NO BEER?! You have GOT to be kidding me! Sally: I kid you not. That old drunk guy over there had the last one like, five minutes ago. Sorry. Alex: Would some one mind telling me WHY a TAVERN would run out of beer? It's a tavern! It's not ALLOWED to run out of beer. That is, in fact, the whole purpose of a tavern: to drink beer! Marche: And play darts! Alex: Shut up Marche. Sally: Hey, don't blame me. I don't know any more than you do. But until such time as we get our next supply of beer we will still be serving our usual large range of other beverages such as fresh fruit juice, mountain spring water and coffee! Alex: ... Okay, that's it. I need a beer now, damn it. (Alex walks up to the counter where Ronald is standing. Marche follows him.) Ronald: Hi Alex! Hi Marche! What can I do for you? Alex: Oh, nothing much, just would you be ever so kind as to tell me where THE FUCK MY BEER'S GONE?! Ronald: Ha, I wonder when someone was going to ask me that. Don't worry; I can understand why you're angry. Alex: OF COURSE I'M ANGRY! I can't get drunk off coffee, can I? Ronald: No, I guess you can't! Since you've asked though, I can tell you what I know. Yes, sadly we have run out of beer. Our usually delivery from Beeragon has been delayed. I wasn't told the details, only that it could be some time before we get out next delivery, but that when we do we'll get an extra fifty percent for free as compensation. Alex: This is NOT FAIR. I need a beer now. Ronald: I'm afraid there's not much I can do, sorry. Tell you what, how about I serve you a nice coffee though eh? On the house. Alex: Hell. No. Marche: I have an idea! Alex: Oh, this'll be good. What is your idea Marche? Marche: How about we go to the Beeragon factory and find out why there's been a delay, and try and fix it? Alex: That... that... That's actually a good idea. Maybe the Beeragon factory has some beer in supply. Ronald: What a great idea! The Beeragon factory is in Stelton, which is only a day's travel from here. If you do find out what's wrong, could you please come back and tell me? There's probably going to be more people curious like you. Alex: Yeah, yeah okay. I think I'll go right now. Ronald: Shouldn't you perhaps... uh... wait until you are feeling a bit more sober? Alex: Nah, I'm fine. I can take a lot of beer. The sooner I can get to Stelton, and get some more beer, the better. Marche: And I can come with you as your faithful sidekick! Alex: ... or, you could not. Marche: Aw, come on. You need someone to help you on your quest! Alex: I'm just going to Stelton for like, a day. That's not a quest. That's not even a bloody holiday. Marche: It's fate Alex! You can't avoid it. It may only be... Alex: Fine! Fine! Come. But for god's sake, don't start that again. Marche: Alright! Alex and Marche: our two unlikely heroes leave on their journey. Alex: ... [Marche joins the party!] Ronald: Well, have a good time! Alex: See-yah Sally. Sally: See you around Alex. And you'd better have at least five gold to start paying off your tab by the time you get back. Alex: Yeah, yeah... (Alex walks out the door.) [To Be Continued...]