***Really Pathetic Genre - SUPER! Episode Ten - I Did Not Do It, It Was Not Me***

[A really, *really* wise man once said: 10 episodes! W00t! Thanks for watching! - Nameless.]

(Alex, Marche and Jess are walking in an underground passage.)

Marche: Yes! Double digits! Come on!

Jess: This is another one of those times we should just ignore him, right?
Alex: Pretty much, yeah.
Marche: Who wants some CAKE?!

(Alex and Jess glance at each other, and keep walking. They come to an end, and see a rope leading upwards, and a sign.)

Jess: It's about time. It feels like we've been walking this path for days.
Alex: It wouldn't have taken so long if *someone* hadn't insisted we fight every single hostile rodent of irregular size.
Marche: Dude, we need the XP.
Alex: Oh yeah, how could I forget. I feel SO much more powerful after fighting a stupid rat that dies in about... one hit.
Marche: It worked though. We did level up!
Jess: Fighting a thousand bloody rats is not worth a level up.
Marche: It wasn't, technically, a thousand.
Jess: No, of course not! Only nine hundred and ninety nine!
Alex: Anyway... I can't help shake off the feeling we are getting nowhere near our destination whatsoever.
Marche: You're just being pessimistic. I'm sure we'll get to Yggip's farm in no time!
Alex: Yeah, maybe not. See 'no time' would imply that it took, well, no time. Which would mean were there now. Which we aren't. Instead, we're just stuck in this stupid underground tunnel because you got us lost.
Marche: Actually, you lead us to the tunnel.
Alex: You got us lost first.
Jess: On the upside... this looks like a way out of the said tunnel.

(Jess walks up to the sign.)

Jess: It says 'Danger! Do not go this way! Seriously. Team Blimp.'
Marche: Team Blimp! We have to go this way now.
Alex: Good point. If Team Blimp don't want people going up here, there's probably a good reason why we *should* go.
Marche: Actually I meant -
Jess: They might store their treasure here! It would serve them right to lose their gold after trying to steal from us.
Marche: No, I meant -
Alex: They didn't sound like they had terribly much gold when we met them.
Marche: But we -
Jess: So? It could have just been an act.
Marche: I think -
Alex: I thought you said rogues could tell when someone was lying?
Marche: We might - 
Jess: Actually, I learnt that skill myself. It's not class-related. It could be feasible that they managed to fool me, but I doubt it though.
Marche: But if -
Alex: Why did you bring it up then?
Marche: Come on -
Jess: I dunno, just felt like annoying Marche a bit longer I guess.
Marche: We have to -
Alex: *sigh* What is it, Marche?!
Marche: Who cares if there's gold or anything? If we go up here we might get a VALUABLE INSIGHT INTO THEIR BACK-STORY!!

Jess: ... so?
Marche: *sigh* You have no sense of character development.
Jess: No... what?!
Alex: Let's just go. What's the worst that could happen?

(The three climb the rope, and find themselves... in a prison cell. Two guards are standing nearby.)

Guard #1: HEY! Look! The prisoners are trying to escape! Sound the alarm!
Guard #2: What alarm are you talking about? We don't have an alarm. 
Guard #1: Hmph, stupid budget cuts.
Guard #2: We'd better stop them!
Guard #1: HEY YOU THREE! Stay there! Don't move or I'll shoot!
Alex: ... Great. I jinxed it, didn't I?
Marche: Yeah, yeah you did.
Guard #1: Silence Devil Clan scum!
Alex: Devil Clan?
Guard #1: SILENCE!

(Guard #1 walks to the hole in the cell.)

Guard #1: Hmm, they dug a hole to escape out of!
Marche: We didn't do this! We were just exploring these caverns when -
Guard #1: SURE you didn't. The hole just HAPPENED appear get there.
Guard #2: Like, by MAGIC! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Guard #1: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Jess: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Alex: Probably not.
Marche: You love the band Doom too?! 
Jess: No, I mean, this hole. You don't suppose Bob did this, and then left the sign so we would think it was Team Blimp? Bob was studying rather dark and criminal magic...
Alex: I think you're reading too much into it.
Marche: You realise if it was him, you've just given the whole mystery away now?
Alex: Or did she?!
Marche: No, I think... Hey, wait. You're mocking me, aren't you?
Alex: Yes, I am.
Marche: Oh, okay. Just checking.
Guard #1: OKAY! Scum! Come with us now!
Guard #2: We put you in another cell!
Guard #1: Then we break you like a little... breaky... thing.
Jess: How about, no.
Guard #1: What you mean, no?!
Jess: I am not getting thrown into jail -
Marche: Actually, you're already *in* jail.
Jess: Okay, I am not getting thrown into *another* jail for something I haven't done. If it were one of the numerous things I had done, well, I mightn't mind so much. But in this case I think my fight for freedom is noble enough to be justified in this party.

(Guard #1 shoots Marche.)

Marche: Ah... my chest... critical hit...
Alex: Hey! We haven't started fighting yet!
Jess: Meh, he's dispensable.
Alex: What?! How can you say that!
Jess: Well, he is an archer.
Alex: Hm, okay, fair point. But I'm not just about to stand by while my... my friend gets shot.
Marche: Hurray! I'm befriended!
Alex: Oh, die quietly.
Marche: Sorry.

(Guard #1 shoots Jess.)

Jess: Urgh! 
Alex: Jess! Damn it, you two are going to pay for the death of Jess!
Jess: Er, I'm not quite dead yet Alex. I've still got a few hundred hit points left.
Alex: Oh, right. Nevertheless... Damn it, you two are going to pay for the minor wounding of Jess!

(The two guards step towards Alex.)

Alex: ... or, I could come with you peacefully and no one needs to get hurt, right?

(Guard #2 punches Alex and knocks him unconscious. The screen fades to black, then fades out to Alex, Jess and Marche in a different cell.)

Alex: Urgh, my head.
Marche: Your head? Your head?! Oh, that I could be so BLESSED as to have been knocked unconscious by a blow to the head! But, alas, for I was struck almost-but-not-quite fatally in the heart by a large, pointy-sharp arrow.
Alex: Yeah, about that, shouldn't you be dead or something?
Marche: You think I'm a ranger for nothing? I faked death until I had a chance to remove the arrow and treat the wound using nothing but what little I could scavange from this prison cell.
Jess: What Marche actually means is: The guards striped us of our possessions and hauled us down here to wait for torturing, then once they left I removed the arrow, and he awoke screaming like a little girl. And then dumped our only drinking water over himself.
Marche: I had to clean the wound!
Alex: Wait... how do you know they're going to torture us?!
Jess: Seeing how as I was the only one *conscious* at the time, I pretended to have fainted and listened to the guards talking.
Alex: Did they mention what the 'Devil Clan' actually is? Or what we are supposed to have done?
Jess: No. But I did hear where we are.
Marche: Let me guess: We're in Yggip's basement!
Jess: No.
Marche: Curses.
Jess: We're in The city.
Alex: ... of?
Jess: Of what?
Alex: What city are we in?
Jess: I just said, The city.
Alex: Yeah... the city of what?
Jess: Just The city!
Alex: WHAT city?
Jess: THE city! The city of The! Note the capital letter! God...
Alex: Oh, right.


Alex: So... The city of The what exactly?
Jess: RGH! You people are idiots!
[Random]
Marche: The city? Isn't The city miles east of Yggip's farm?
[Subliminal]
Jess: Yes, it is. I'm starting to think travelling with you two wasn't such a good idea after all. No, wait. That's a lie. I've been thinking that since I agreed to join up with this pathetic party. 
[Message]
Alex: Tell me about it.
[Of DOOOOOOOOM!]
Marche: Look on the bright side, Jess.
Jess: What bright side? We're stuck in a bloody jail, about to be tortured for something we know nothing about. I do not think there can possibly BE a bright side to that.
Marche: At least we're in a real dungeon now!
Jess: ...

(Alex paces for a while.)

Alex: Hey, Jess...
Jess: Yeah?
Alex: Didn't you say you were good at... uh, 'jumping' jail?
Jess: Yeah... See, thing about that is, I've never actually been caught before. When I said that, I meant I was good at avoiding jail.
Alex: Right. That sucks. We have to get out of here, and soon. There has to be some way out of this cell...
Marche: I've got another idea!
Alex: I've had nightmares start this way.
Marche: How about we combine all our class skills to escape?
Alex: ...How, dare I ask?
Jess: And for that matter, do you actually have any useful skills?
Marche: I'm going to choose to ignore that question on the basis that I find it insulting. And NOT because I do not have answer to it. Just to clarify that.

Marche: Anyway, here's the plan. If we pull apart the bucket we can fashion a crude wooden sword. When the guards arrive I'll use my sing tech to put them to sleep, and Alex can use Sure Attack to guarantee he damages them with any weapon, no matter how weak. While the guards are distracted, Jess can steal the keys from them and open the door.
Alex: That's... that's... actually a reasonable plan, given the circumstances. I'm impressed. There's just one, teeny-tiny flaw.
Marche: Aww, really? What is it?
Alex: You can't sing. Full stop. All your singing tech is likely to do is wake the dead!
Marche: A revive spell this early in the game? Hell yeah!
Alex: And I mean that in the most metaphorical and abstract sense possible.
Marche: Oh. I still think it could work. Unless anyone has any better plans?
Jess: That's an utterly stupid plan and I will have no part in it.
Alex: I've got an idea. Jess strips off and while the guards are distracted I hit them on the head with this bucket.
Jess: On second thought, Marche's plan is great! Let's do that.
Marche: Right.

(Alex walks up to the bucket, and Jess takes watch near the edge of the cell.)

Marche: Do you think it would be a good idea if I practised the tech on one of you?
Alex: NO.
Marche: Come on, I could wake you up straight after.
Jess: NO.
Marche: *sigh*

Marche: Hey Alex, remember that time you said you'd be lucky if you could beat a newt barehanded?
Alex: ...Yeah?
Marche: Well, I hope you're feeling lucky because there's a newt behind you and you're barehanded!

(A battle begins between Alex and the newt. The newt uses 'bite' to do 1 HP damage. Alex uses a special move, 'step' and does 999 damage, killing the newt.)

Marche: Ha-ha, OWNED.

[Some time later...]

Jess: They're coming! Get ready.

(Alex and Marche take their positions. Guards #1, #2 and #3 approach.)

Guard #1: You scum! Tell us where the Devil Clan is!
Alex: We don't know anything about the Devil Clan! We just came INTO the jail through the hole!
Guard #1: You lie! No fool would enter a jail cell!
Jess: You obviously don't know Marche that well...
Marche: It's true!
Alex: Yeah, *that's* really going to convince them.
Guard #1: Fine then! You shall be tortured until you remember!
Guard #3: Throw the men in the pit. Let them rot with the other treacherous scum.
Guard #2: What about the women?
Guard #3: I shall... see to her personally.
Guard #1: No fair! Why should you get the hot one?
Guard #3: Unless you'd rather fight for her?
Guard #1: Bah. Choke on her.
Jess: Marche... NOW!
Guard #2: Huh?
Marche: Quick, Alex! Block your ears!
Alex: I'm sorry, what was that? I can't hear you, I blocked my ears the instant you mention singing!

(Marche goes into menu and selects 'sing' tech)

Marche: Do-do-tch, do-do-do-tch, do-do-tch, do-do-do-tch.
Guard #1: Silence!
Marche: I'm so leet, your new meat, I'm a treat, you get beat, do-do, do-do-do, do-doo! (Do-do-tch, do-do-do-tch)
I haxxors, you suxxors, I roxxors, you failors, do-do, do-do-do, do-doo! (Do-do-tch, do-do-do-tch)
I'm the best, your -

(Three guards knock Marche out.)

Alex: Well, that didn't work.
Guard #3: New plan: Gag him first, then throw him in the pit.
Guard #2: I second that motion.

(Guard #2 grabs Marche and walks off. Guard #1 and #3 walk towards Alex and Jess.)

Jess: Shit... shit!
Alex: Jess, run! I'll try and hold them off!

(Guard #3 blocks the exit, and grabs Jess.)

Alex: Jess!!
Jess: Alex! Argh!
Alex: Damn it! You bastard!

(Marche struggles free and shoots Guard #1. Alex runs up to Guard #3, but is shoved backwards.)

Alex: No!

(Guard #3 drags Jess away, Guard #2 dragons Marche off.)

[Nameless would like to take the time to officially apologise for that absolutely appalling animated action adventure.]
[And additionally an amazingly annoying and also arbitrarily all Australian assembly of words.]

Alex: Shit.
Guard #1: Lucky you. At least you have use of your legs. I am SO throwing you in the pit... Just as soon as back-up arrives.
Alex: ...
Guard #1: Are you going to finish me off or not?
Alex: No. 
Guard #1: ... I don't suppose you could take this arrow out? It's killing me, and I mean that in a purely literal sense.
Alex: No.
Guard #1: Oh look, here comes back-up now.

(Several more guards arrive. Alex walks up to them and is lead away.)

(Alex and Marche are thrown into a small pit. Another person is there.)

Marche: Urgh...
Alex: Marche? Are you okay?
Marche: Urgh...
Alex: Can you speak?
Marche: Urgh... 
Alex: Can you at least moan in a slightly more informative way?
Marche: Urgh...
Jeff: He'll be fine with time. I'd be more worried about yourself.
Alex: Who are you?
Jeff: My name is Jeff. And to whom do I owe the... pleasure?
Alex: I'm Alex. What is this place anyway?
Jeff: This is the Pit. Prisoners are thrown in here until they spill their secrets. I myself have been here for a month.
Alex: What's so scary about this place?
Jeff: Nothing in itself... but no food is given, and few survive longer than a few days.
Alex: I think it would take a bit longer than that to starve.
Jeff: Perhaps... but how do you think I've survived this long?

Marche: Urgh, my head... where the hell are we?
Jeff: The Pit.
Marche: What are we doing in the Pit?
Jeff: Rotting.

(Jess is standing in a bedroom. She rattles the door, but find it locked.)

Jess: ... stupid... magical... locks...

(Suddenly the door opens. Jess steps backwards.)

Jess: Wha?
Isaac: Hi! I couldn't help but notice you were in town!
Jess: Isaac. You have to let me out of here. 
Isaac: Help a prisoner escape prison? I don't think so.
Jess: Then why - 
Isaac: But I'm betting you really wish you had a way to escape to another dimension right now, huh?
Jess: ...
Isaac: In fact, I've requested a visit with you to offer you this unique chance to purchase this MAGICAL KEY!
Jess: If you let me out of here, I'll make it worth your while...
Isaac: Sorry, but I'm actually gay.
Jess: I meant with money!
Isaac: Ooooh. You know you'd have a lot of money if you bought this key.
Jess: Go away.
Isaac: Ha-ha, you can't threaten me now! Not without any weapon!
Jess: How, pray tell, do you expect me to buy the key without any gold?
Isaac: You can pay me back in six simple weekly installments!
Jess: Hey, Isaac, did I ever mention I did martial arts as a child?
Isaac: ... Sooooo, that's a no then?
Jess: Yes.
Isaac: Yes! Then here's the -
Jess: NO! 
Isaac: *sigh* You'll regret it, Jess!

(Isaac leaves. After a moment, Guard #3 enters, and Jess moves away.)

Guard #3: Stay still, my pretty.
Jess: Get away!
Guard #3: Stop moving for a moment, so I can -
Jess: Fuck off, you sick pervert!
Guard #3: For Fubar's sake! I'm not trying to rape you; I'm trying to rescue you!
Jess: ... what?

(Guard #3 glows grey are turns into a Sahed.)

Sahed: My name is Sahed. Come with me if you want to live.

(Meanwhile, back in the Pit: Alex walks around the Pit, examining the walls.)

Alex: There has to be some way out of here!
Jeff: Save your energy. You think I would have stayed here this long if there was a way out? It's impossible to get out, even by magic. The spells in here were cast by a High Mage, and none but Geraldus himself could break out.
Marche: Hmmm...
Alex: Okay, stop right there. Whatever it is your thinking, forget it. Your ideas have never done us any good whatsoever. So far you've managed to get us bashed to within a hit point of our lives, travelling with a bloody rogue, off on a frickin *quest*, lost, thrown in the The Jail and now tortured. So just FORGET IT.
Marche: Okay, I admit maybe I've been a bit unlucky so far...
Alex: Unlucky?! God! Why can't you just admit we are in this god-damn HELLHOLE because of you?!
Marche: Nevertheless... What spells, in particular, were casted?
Jeff: The standard. Reversal, rebound, protection... among others.
Marche: I'd bet my bottom gold coin that those spells have no effect whatsoever on non-standard magic, such as my sing tech.
Alex: I really, really hope they do.
Jeff: Any techs that use magic or are in anyway influenced by intelligence, or lack thereof in your case, will be nullified.
Marche: Curses.
Alex: Phew.

Marche: So, Jeff, why are you in here?
Jeff: Why should I tell you?
Marche: It hardly matters now.
Jeff: Heh. I worked for a powerful criminal organisation as an assassin. I was caught during one particularly difficult target.
Marche: Who was it?
Jeff: Geraldus the Grand Mage.
Alex: No way! You tried to kill the Grand Mage himself?! Are you insane or just stupid?!
Jeff: Suffice to say the organisation left me with very little choice. I worked with a partner who could disarm the magical traps, and we got into his bedchamber before we were caught. My partner escaped, but I was captured. The High Mage sent me here, far away from him. A month now has passed, and it is clear that they have abandoned me.
Marche: *sniff* I'd almost feel sorry for you... if it weren't for the fact you're an evildoer and therefore sworn enemy of us heroes.
Jeff: Oh, 'heroes', are you? Very heroic getting thrown in prison!
Marche: We're just here because of bad luck!
Jeff: Ha-ha-ha. Your bad luck, perhaps.
Alex: ... Marche, get back.
Jeff: So soon again I hunger...

(Jeff steps towards Alex and Marche. Alex and Marche move together.)

Jeff: Cower all you will, there is no escape. Only one person can survive down here... and that person shall be me.

(Suddenly a rope falls down.)

Sahed: Alex, Marche. Climb up.
Alex: Who the heck are you?
Sahed: I am an ally. Hurry, before the guards return.
Alex: I don't know...
Jess: Damn it, Alex! Would you prefer to rot down there?!
Alex: Jess! You're alright, what -
Jess: Not the time! Sahed rescued me, now -
Jeff: !

(Jeff jumps and looks up.)
 
Jeff: Sahed!
Sahed: Jeff.
Jeff: You must take me with you. I can stand no longer in this place.
Marche: You can stay where you are, Jeff. With your death all those you killed will be avenged!
Sahed: Well spoken, Marche.
Jeff: You...!
Sahed: Hurry, Alex.

(Alex clambers up the rope, and Marche follows.)

Jeff: You will let me out of here.
Sahed: No.
Jeff: Let me out, or I swear I will kill each and every one you.
Sahed: Trapped in the Pit?
Jeff: I *will* kill you.
Sahed: Heh-heh-heh. Fool.

(Alex, Marche and Jess follow Sahed away from the pit.)

Sahed: Quickly, I know a place we can hide for a while.

(Alex, Marche, Jess and Sahed walk into the bedroom.)

Sahed: We should be safe in here, for the moment. The guards shall asume that I am still... occupied with Jess.
Jess: ...
Jess: So, uh, do you and that assassin know each other or something?
Sahed: We have crossed in the past.
Alex: Who are you, anyway? Why did you rescue us?
Sahed: My name is Sahed. I heard of your plights, and sought to accompany you on your quest. If you seek to find Yggip, I fear you shall need skills far greater than your own.
Marche: We could still have one more party member...
Jess: Join if you want, it's not like this party could possible get any worse, but there is no way you are getting any of my cut of the treasure.
Sahed: I need no payment for the... greater good, as it were.
Marche: Alright! You can SO join!
Alex: Hm. Doesn't this seem a bit too convenient to you?
Marche: Well, yeah. Obviously. But now that you mention it... SAHED!
Sahed: Yes?
Marche: Tell us your back-story!
Sahed: My story is simple enough. I have lived with my father for a long time, until he perished from disease last year. I have been studying sorcery in his place since then, especially illusion magic.
Marche: An illusionist, hey?
Sahed: A grey mage, actually.
Alex: That doesn't explain how - 
Sahed: I have not yet finished. Once I heard that Yggip had gone missing, I suspected foul play. I sought to discover the nature of his disappearance, but a journey from Zazar would be too long for someone of my fortitude to complete quickly. Instead I cast a powerful teleportation spell to bring me to his farm, but I was interrupted a crucial stage of the incantations and sent into The city. The journey greatly weakened my magical prowess, but I sense they shall return in time. Once I arrived I heard of a disruption at the prison, and disguised myself to seek out its source...
Alex: Hm. Okay, I guess you can join then.

[Sahed joins the party!]

Marche: I don't suppose you know anything of the whereabouts of the Tome of Masterful Illusions?
Sahed: I do not rely on physical possessions to draw power from. I know nothing of this tome.
Marche: Oh well. I'm sure some random NPC will.
Jess: And on the subject of equipment... I don't suppose you managed to get ours? I'd kill for that rogue gear, and I mean that in a literal sense.
Sahed: As it happens, I have retrieved your equipment.
Jess: Alright!
Sahed: Additionally, I took the liberty of... liberating one of the standard crossbows from here. Perhaps Marche would prefer something with a bit more power?
Marche: I'm not that accurate with a crossbow...
Alex: Marche, you're bow sucks. Just take the god damn crossbow.
Marche: Yeah, okay. Thanks.
Sahed: Let us leave this place. The guards will soon notice your disappearance.
Alex: How are we going to leave? This place is crawling with guards, or will be soon anyway, and we're kind of backed into a corner here.
Sahed: Unlike you fools, I thought to come here with an escape plan.

Sahed: THIS PLOTLINE IS INCREDIBLY CONTRIVED!

(The fourth wall of the room crumbles, leaving an exit.)

Marche: Now why the hell didn't *I* think of that?!

(The party walk off.)

(Meanwhile, the Blobby has arrived in Homtown.)

Blobby: {So this is the 'Homtown' those adventurers spoke of... Heh-heh-heh...}

(Suddenly Jack and Jill run up.)

Jack: Hey, Jill! Look at this!
Jill: Huh? What's that?
Jack: It looks like some kinda monster!
Jill: Aww... It's so cute!
Blobby: {Stupid children! Be gone or suffer!}
Jack: Huh? What it just do?
Jill: It made funny noises! Like... blob, blob, blob!
Jack: Hee-hee, blob, blob, blob!
Jill: Hee-hee!
Blobby: {What is this?! These puny humans can not understand my speech?!}
Jill: It did it again! 
Jack: Blob, blob, blob!
Jill: I wanna keep it!
Jack: Nuh-uh, I found it. It's mine!
Jill: No, it's mine!
Jack: Is not!
Jill: Is so!
Jack: Blob, blob, blob!
Jill: Tee-hee-hee...

(Jack grabs the Blobby and runs off.)

Jill: HEY! No fair!
Blobby: {UNHAND ME YOU FOOL OR YOU SHALL SUFFER A TORMENT FAR WORSE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY IMAGINE!!!}
Jack: 	

(Jack and Jill run off.)

[To Be Continued...]