***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Twelve - The Devil Clan***

[A wise man once said: You should always beware of the danger of typos...]

(The party are in World Map mode, at the city of The.)
Marche: The cave is close by... hopefully we shouldn't have any random encounters.
Jess: Wait...
Alex: Oh, for the love of... Jess, we know. It doesn't make any sense. Get over it.
Jess: No, but seriously. We just spent all that time trying to find the location of the Devil's Clan hideout... when you can easily see it from here! 
Marche: Ah, but only heroes like ourselves could have seen it from this view.
Jess: Why couldn't we have just popped outside of the city for a moment instead of wasting time talking to all those NPCs?
Marche: We couldn't be sure that was *the* cave though, could we?
Jess: Do you see any other caves nearby?
Alex: But Jess, it wouldn't make *sense* if we could just go straight there, now would it?
Jess: ...
Marche: Besides, now we know how to sneak in and everything.
Jess: ... *sigh*

(The party enters the area. They see an entrance, guarded by several soldiers.)

Marche: And the secret-but-not-really-much-of-a-secret-because-a-random-NPC-knows-it entrance should be about... here.
Alex: Do you really have to call it that? I think 'entrance' would have sufficed there.
Marche: Ah, but there are TWO entrances.
Alex: Okay... 'Secret entrance' would have still been enough detail.
Marche: Or would it? What if there was *another* secret entrance that we didn't know about? How would we distinguish it from the almost-but-not-quite secret entrance?
Alex: We'll worry about that when it happens.
Sahed: I do not believe this is necessary. I feel confident we, or rather I, could easily dispatch the guards.
Alex: It's probably best to stick to secrecy until we meet this Devil guy and find out exactly what the point of this clan is.
Sahed: You're the... boss.

(The party enters the passage, which leads underground. They walk along, and a random encounter starts against four soldiers.)

Alex: I thought you said this passage was secret!
Marche: It is! It wouldn't be much fun if there wasn't some kind of distraction though, and since there aren't any puzzles, random encounters are the next best thing!
Jess: Why would people leave puzzles laying around in a secret passage? 
Marche: To protect the cave from stupid people.
Jess: Like you.
Marche: Exactly. Hey, wait...
Soldier: Stop, intruders!
Sahed: There seems little point in sticking to secrecy now!
Alex: Not true. If we can take these guys out before they -
Voice: *BWOOP BWOOP BWOOP* Intruder alert! Intruder alert!
Marche: ... I SO want that magic spell.
Sahed: I very much doubt your intellect would be high enough to cast it.
Alex: Great. Now we've got the whole lot after us. Whose bloody idea was this anyway?
Jess: Yours, actually.
Alex: That was a rhetorical question.
Jess: And on a sidenote: Is it just me, or do the enemy seem strangely larger than normal?
Alex: Huh, now that you mention it -
Marche: It's just you.

(Sahed uses Darkflame on a soldier, who dies.)

Marche: This battle is going to be so easy with Sahed.
Sahed: I wouldn't count on it. My usually extensive magical powers have been severely capped, and I shall not be able to keep up this flow of mana much longer.
Alex: Then save it! We can take these guys in melee.
Sahed: You perhaps, but as I have dedicated my studies to the magical arts, I have found skill in weapons unnecessary.

(Alex attacks, and Jess follows. Next it is Marche's turn.)

Alex: Hey Marche, I bet you *really* want to try out that new crossbow, hey?
Jess: Yeah, it would be great for you to do some decent damage for once.
Marche: This is coming from you, Miss I-do-no-damage-at-all-even-when-I'm-supposed-to.

(A soldier attacks Marche, and misses.)

Sahed: Whatever you do, I would advise you did it soon.
Marche: Nah, I'll give the crossbow a miss. Ha-ha, get it? Miss? Because I'm not very accurate with it? And I'll probably miss?
Jess: ...
Marche: Anyway, I think now would be a great time to test out my sing tech in a real battle!
Alex: And thus truly ends out secrecy.

(Marche selects 'sing' tech.)

Marche: Why'd you go and hit me in the head?
Just 'cause you hate me and you want to see me dead.
I think you're going overboard just a little bit.
Lucky for me you suck and couldn't even hit!

(All the soldiers become berserk.)

Alex: Well done Marche, you've managed to piss off the soldiers.
Marche: The term is 'berserk', actually.

(The fight continues. When it is Marche's turn, he uses sing again.)

Marche: Our unlikely -

(The soldiers all flee.)

Sahed: Well. It seems your technique is not entirely without practical application.
Alex: Let's get out of here before any more arrive.
Jess: Gee, aren't we going to stand around and talk in a mildly humorous way first? That's what we bloody seem to do after anything else happens.
Marche: Are you kidding? We've got WAY too much plot to fit into this episode for any more comic distractions.
Alex: And, you know, the whole soldiers coming to kill us thing.
Marche: Yeah, that too I guess.
Jess: Actually, I was wondering why we did it at all.
Marche: Duh! So The Viewers will be amused at us.
Jess: ... the who?
Alex: Marche, if this is another pathetic attempt to break the fourth wall...
Marche: No, no, nothing like that. The Viewers is the nickname for the angels that watch over us heroes most of the time.
Sahed: Do not the gods watch over heroes and villains alike?
Marche: No. Just because they're gods doesn't mean they're omniscient!
Jess: Uh, actually, yes it does.
Marche: Anyway the gods assign high angels to watch each group, and the gods themselves only watch when something important happens. Since mostly what the angels watch is really boring, cracking jokes at seemingly random intervals means the angels will be more amused with that group, and are more likely to lend a helping hand.
Alex: I guess that... kind of makes sense.
Jess: Yeah, I guess it - Wait, what am I saying?! Something that Marche says makes sense?! Has the world gone crazy?!
Alex: Heh... Uh, I mean, give it a rest Jess. As party leader I can not allow such abuse of fellow party members.
Jess: Huh. Anyway, The Viewers must be really pleased with this party, Marche.
Marche: You think so? Why?
Jess: Because your class is just one big joke. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Marche: >:-(
Alex: Oh, give it a rest. Let's get moving.

[Time passes, battles occur, and nothing else even remotely amusing or plot-related happens.]
[Okay, maybe there was that one time Marche tripped over his own nose, but that's really not that funny when you can't see how he did it.]
[So don't even ask.]

(Later, the party arrive in a cavern. Standing in the middle of the cavern is the leader of the Devil Clan. He turns to face them.)

Sahed: You know, I am still confident it would have been quicker just to enter through the front and kill everyone in the way, rather than take this longer route and still be forced into battle.
Alex: Yes, okay, I think you've made that point enough times already. We get it.
Sahed: And, as a question of minor importance, why do there seem to be excessive quantities of pots around here?
Marche: Well, they're there because - 
Alex: It's a long story. We'll tell you another time.

(The party walk up to face John Devil.)

John: Oh great. Another group of lame, wanna-be heroes.
Marche: Devil! Surrender now, and your punishment may be merciful!
John: ARGH! For the last time! My name is not Devil! This is not the Devil Clan!
Marche: ...it's not?
John: NO! My name is John Devile! DEVIL*E*! With an e!
Alex: Is that supposed to stop us killing you or something? Because you're still the leader of a terrorist organisation. Just because your name isn't actually Devil doesn't make you any less Devil-like.
John: You people are all fools! This is not a terrorist organisation! I didn't even start this god-damn clan! Why won't you people listen!?!?
Marche: If you calmed down for a moment to explain, we would listen!
Sahed: Listen to his lies? I think not. DARK-
Alex: SAHED! We'll listen to him first.
Sahed: Hm. As you wish.
John: Okay, okay. Until a few weeks ago I was just a normal guy. Then a horrible and awful disaster occurred that would change my life forever. The beer ran out.
Alex: Okay, I'm a self-confessed alcoholic and all, but that's just going a bit overboard.
John: SILENCE! You don't know what it's like!
Alex: Actually, I do. Beer has run out everywhere.
John: NOT EVERYWHERE!
Alex: Huh?
John: There is still beer left! I know it! That bastard mayor has a vat of it left in his house!
Alex: And how, exactly, do you know this?
John: A random NPC told me!
Marche: Oh, right! Random NPCs never lie!
Sahed: This man is clearly a lunatic. We should kill him now before any others arrive.
Alex: NO. I want to hear this.
Sahed: He must perish for his crimes!
Alex: Sahed, if you attack him, then we will attack you. This is important.
Jess: You'd better not attack him! I still want that gold from him.
Sahed: ... fine. But do not think I shall forget this.
Alex: I don't know what *you're* complaining about. You were the one who decided I was supposed to lead this party.
John: Anyway, I asked the mayor about it, and he told me that they were 'testing' the beer for something. Yeah, right! Those fucking arseholes were keeping it for themselves! I got angry, and they threw me in prison for terrorism. But they made a typo in my name, so everyone assumed I was evil! A bunch of other terrorists broke me out, and took me here. Since then they've been attacking the city to get the beer, but I've had nothing to do with that, I swear!
Alex: ... If what you say is true, we aught to get back to the city to find out for sure.
Jess: Are you insane? The city will be on full look-out for us by now. There's no way they'll let us get anywhere near the mayor!
Alex: We can take John with us as proof we're against them.
Jess: Yeah, that's REALLY going to work. They'll think we're with him.
Marche: That's a great idea!
Alex: At least SOMEONE supports my decisions.
Sahed: Perhaps it would prove our loyalty greater if we were to bring back his head only. I hear there is a large reward on it at the moment.
Jess: Hmmm...
Alex: NO. We need him alive to-

(Suddenly a large group of soldiers appear around the area, circling the party.)

John: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! You'll never get me alive, or dead! 
Alex: Shit.
Marche: Now, now, there's no reason to get unreasonable. I'm sure we can all work out -

(Marche is shot several times.)

Marche: Ouch.

(John runs behind Jess.)

John: Drop your weapons, or the girl dies!!

(Sahed moves forward.)

Sahed: Drop the girl, or YOU die.
John: Ha-ha-ha! You're outnumbered, you're weakened, and you're pathetic. You could never take us all!
Sahed: You clearly underestimate me. I can feel my powers returning faster now...
John: Make one move and the girl dies!
Sahed: Are you so confident you can kill her in one turn? One turn is all it will take to utterly annihilate you.
John: ...

Marche: Come on, John. If you kill us now, you're just going to have the whole militia on your tail. The location of your hide out is no longer a secret. Any second now a hundred well-trained soldiers will storm this place and kill you all. If you leave now, it's likely the court will take pity on you and you'll probably get off with a light punishment. We can help you, if you help us.
John: ... I need beer. You don't understand that! I will never give in!!
Alex: John, we are the only ones looking for Yggip.
Jess: That's not, technically, true.

(Cut for a moment to Joe and Joe being chased around by soldiers, while Chicken looks on, bored.)

Alex: Well, the only capable ones anyway. Once we find Yggip, beer can be produced again. If you kill us, you kill your only hope of getting another drink. As one drunk to another, give it up and let us go.
John: ... 
John: Heh... You're with THEM aren't you!?
Alex: What?
John: I should have known it! This is all a conspiracy! The mayor sent you! 
Jess: No, we...
John: DIE BASTARDS!!

(John attacks Jess, who falls over.)

Jess: Argh!
Alex: You... you...
Marche: Curse you, you idiot! Can't you see we're only trying to help!?
Sahed: Can I dispose of him *now*?
John: Heh-heh, heh-heh-heh... Ha-ha-HA-HA-HAA! I bet you regret taking all the beer now, hey?!
Jess: urgh... help...
Alex: You are going to die.
Sahed: Now, THAT'S more like it!

(A battle starts, between the party and John with seven soldiers. Jess is unconscious and poisoned.)

Sahed: Oh look, I seem to have regained some more of my powers. Guess who I'm going to try them out on.
Marche: What a coincidence!
Alex: Well, no duh.

(Sahed uses Shadow Rain on enemies, which confuses them.)

Alex: What did you just do?
Sahed: Shadow Rain. It creates hundreds of shadows of ourselves everywhere, obscuring the enemy’s vision and causing their feeble minds to become greatly confused.
Alex: Neat. But it didn't work on John.
Marche: Alex, status move *never* work on bosses.
Alex: Why the hell not?
Marche: To make it more challenging!
Alex: But this Devile guy has had far LESS experience than any other soldiers! Why should HE be the boss?!
Marche: Because he's the leader! It wouldn't make sense for a random soldier to be a boss!
Alex: But any random soldier should fight better!
Marche: Ah, but John is overcome by a power-giving rage, probably fuelled by mad desire and quite possibly Fubar himself.
Alex: Well, that sucks.

(Alex attacks.)

Alex: Now Marche, I don't think I have to point out now would be a really, *really* bad time to be bothered singing.
Marche: I know, I know. Besides, I've learned an AWESOME new tech from fighting all those soldiers.
Alex: And yet, I do not feel even slightly reassured.

(Marche uses 'Terror Arrow Blitz', which has a long, cool animation but does only five damage.)

Alex: Well, that sucked.
Marche: But it sucked with style!
Sahed: No, it did not. Your techs are pathetic and hopeless. Give up this idiocy and kill this fool!

(Sahed casts Darkflame, and does only eight damage.)
Alex: Or, John could just have some kind of ridiculously high defence.
Sahed: On reconsideration, that would seem to be the case.

(The fighting continues, and the soldiers attack each other, and John.)

Marche: This isn't working. If this keeps up there's no way we'll be able to beat them. Unless Sahed happens to have some kind of a healing spell, or healing potions?
Sahed: No, I do not.
Alex: Hey, do we still have that potion Jess picked up? Maybe we should try that.
Sahed: I would strongly advise against it. If the potion had even a mild negative effect it could well prove fatal in her current state.
Marche: Okay. New plan: we need a plan.
Alex: We need to concentrate our attacks on John, and let the soldiers just attack each other. Sahed, keep confusing them if they recover otherwise try using some other magic, and see if it's any more effective. I'll use Sure Attack to keep damaging John, since his defence is too high for normal attacks to be worth it. Marche... I don't know, do SOMETHING. Try and find a way to heal Jess.
Marche: Okay!
Sahed: I suppose that sounds reasonable.

[The battle rages...]

(Later in the battle, only two of the soldiers are alive as well as John.)

Marche: Gah, it's no use! Jess is badly poisoned. I've done what I can to isolate the wound and slow the poison, but it's too strong to stop and there's nothing we have to counter-act it! We need to get her to a church, and fast.
Sahed: I fear my magical reserves are dwindling. Without magic there will be little I can do in this battle, bar retreating.
Alex: This is hopeless! Absolutely nothing could help us now!
Marche: Wait... that's it!
Alex: What?
Marche: That's it! That's the way out of here! 
Alex: Marche, if you don't tell me what you are talking about, right now, so help me Sugar I swear I will attack *you* next turn.
Marche: Absolutely Nothing! That item that you got after defeating the newt!
Alex: You know, there are several things both impossible and contradictory about that suggestion Marche.

(Marche uses Absolutely Nothing.)

[Nothing happens.]

Alex: Congratulations, Marche. You just wasted your - 

(Suddenly the enemies all disappear. The party win the battle, and gain an item 'Devil Clan Plans', plus 32 gold and lots of experience.)

Alex: What. The. Fuck.
Marche: Ha! I knew that -
Sahed: There seemed little chance we would prevail with time to get Jess back to The, and my own health was dwindling dangerously low - I used the last of my remaining magic to teleport the enemy away. 
Marche: Oh.
Alex: So, uh, why couldn't you have teleported *us* to The.
Sahed: The magic is rather unreliable, especially cast instantaneously. There would have been no guarantee for out safety.

(The party run over to Jess.)

Alex: Shit... 'Badly poisoned' barely covers this. We've got to get to Jess to a church NOW.
Sahed: I told you, I have expended the last of my magic capabilities for the moment. I can not hasten out escape.
Marche: Then let's go, now! If the poison fully takes hold, Jess is dead. And really dead too, not just unconscious.
Alex: I've got the highest strength stat - I'll carry her.

(The party run off. Meanwhile, at a castle entrance, two evil soldiers stand.)

Luke: Hey, Carl, you ever get the feeling some really important and dramatic plot is taking place right now, that we just aren't part of?
Carl: You know, Luke, I do sometimes. I really, really do.
Luke: I mean, seriously. All we do is stand around guarding this evil lair all day. Nothing remotely humorous or adding to the plot ever happens to us. I don't think anybody is even aware of our characters at all, even if we do have unique and interesting personalities.
Carl: You got that right. And even when the heroes DO come storming the lair...
Luke: On an important and desperate quest of course!
Carl: ...we just get treated like some kind of a random encounter, when we're not even random! We have back stories and everything, but NO, nobody cares about us.
Luke: So... why do we do this anyway?
Carl: You know, I'm not really sure. To make it look like Nameless is powerful and has a lot of followers I guess.
Luke: You'd think he could do something more useful with his followers than place them as guards. I mean, seriously. By the time the heroes get around to storming the enemy's stronghold they are far too strong to be stopped by us. All we do is give them some extra experience, that only ends up making them even stronger and MORE likely, and quickly, to reach, and prevail over, Nameless.
Carl: Seems rather counter-productive to me.
Luke: I know! Somebody ought to tell him that one day.
Carl: Don't look at me. You know what happened to Gretel when SHE pointed out a major flaw in Nameless' plan.
Luke: Yeah, that was sad... and only four years old too... *sigh* It's tough being an evil soldier.
Carl: That it is, my friend, it really, really is.

[To Be Continued...]