***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Fourteen - Surprise!*** [A wise man once said: Like you didn't see *this* coming...] (Marche and Sahed are walking towards the north gate of the city of The.) Marche: Where have those two got to? This is so unfair. They're probably having a whole adventure without us! Sahed: If it is *so* important we reach them soon, I can cast a minor divination spell to locate them. Marche: Isn't that a powerful spell? Sahed: Unfortunately I can only discern their vague direction, but it should point us in the right direction. Marche: Fair enough. (Sahed casts a spell.) Sahed: We are in luck. I can sense their presence very clearly. They are close by, near the north gate. Marche: Hold on! Sahed: What? Marche: They're together, right? Sahed: Yes. Marche: We SO can not take advantage of this opportunity! Can you cast another illusion spell on us? Sahed: It would be a lot of effort. I would prefer not to waste my precious magical energy on whatever childish prank you inevitably have planned. Marche: Aw, come on. You'll regenerate it anyway. Sahed: ... Sahed: Fine. I will cast an illusion, but only on you. I shall have no part in your foolish games! Marche: Great! Thanks a bunch Sahed! Sahed: ... (Sahed casts a spell, and Marche vanishes. The screen moves up to show Alex and Jess standing by the north gate.) Jess: ...I've been meaning to ask you this for a while... Alex: Yes? Jess: I... I wanted to tell you sooner, but I wasn't sure... I feared it might only be me... Being poisoned really put things into perspective for me... Alex: Jess... what is it? Jess: When the heck did you last shower?! God! You bloody stink! Alex: Hey, you are exactly the Queen of Clean yourself. I don't know *what* was in that poison, but I had to put up with it all the way back here! Jess: You didn't answer the question! Alex: Well... Okay, fine. I haven't actually showered since I left Homtown. We haven't exactly had any chances you know. Jess: Yeah we have! I've bathed at least once a day! We've passed heaps of small rivers and I'm pretty sure Stelton and The have baths! Alex: Look... it doesn't really matter! You've said so yourself, we need to hurry to find Yggip. Let's just go find Marche and Sahed and get out of here. (Marche suddenly appears.) Marche: SIKE! Alex: Gah! What the hell? Marche: Ha-ha! The expression on your face was priceless! Ah-ha-ha-ha! Alex: Damn it, Marche. If I weren't so glad I don't have to go searching for you I would be incredibly pissed off right now. What exactly did you just do? Marche: I had Sahed cast some kind of an illusion spell on me! I was just kind of... you know... well... Okay I was spying on you. Jess: PLEASE tell me this is the first time you've done that. Marche: Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't it be? Jess: No reason. (Sahed walks up.) Sahed: For the record, I fully aired my objection to Marche's pathetic prank. Alex: Come on, now we're all together again we should leave. Yggip's farm is pretty much west from here. Marche: Yeah, okay. (Alex goes to leave, but Jess gets in the way.) Jess: Not yet. Alex: What? Why not? You're the one worried about wasting time! Jess: We're not leaving until you three wash yourselves. There's a free bath at the inn. Get going. Sahed: We may not have time for such pointless diversions. Alex: Jess, does it really matter that much? What happened to you learning to cope? Jess: Normally I'm alone most of the day! Alex: What, and not during the night? Jess: Damn it, Alex. You know what I meant. Marche: Ah-ha! You didn't deny it! Jess: Oh for the love of... Yes, I'm alone all night as well. Now go get cleaning, you stink almost as much as your jokes. Alex: So, no need to bath then? Jess: ALEX! God damn. Just do it! If I have to put up with this on a regular basis the least you could do is wash yourself! Marche: Well, I think it's a great idea! Do you think you get soap for free too? Harry: Hey! Alex! Marche! (Harry the Potter walks up.) Alex: Hey, Harry. What are you doing out here? Marche: There still seems to be plenty of pots around at the moment! Sahed: Pots? You know, you never explained why - Jess: Don't ask. Harry: Well, it's quite simple really. I was doing the rounds in Homtown, right, when I saw your mother outside in a right state. I asked what was wrong, and she said she thought you two here had died! Alex: Heh, uh, yeah... Marche: I guess we have been gone a bit longer than a day... Alex: My father's going to kill me when I get back. Harry: Anyway, I told her that I knew you weren't dead, on the basis I'd seen you well and alive only a few days before. So she asked me if I could deliver a note for you. I said yep, of course, but I couldn't really guarantee I'd see you again. But then, right, I heard you'd be thrown in jail for terrorism! So I thought I'd pop round here and see what you'd gotten yourself into. Alex: Oh, that was a mistake. We managed to prove out innocence. Harry: I'm glad to here it! Nice to see you're finally getting out into the world again too. Last time you travelled was... oh, it would have to have been before - Alex: *ahem* Harry: So anyway, I have a note from your mother. Oh, and your father too Marche. (Harry hands the notes over.) Mary: Dear Alex, Are you alright? You said you were only going to Stelton... I guess if you're getting this note you've gone a bit further. You could have given us some hint... but I guess that was the point wasn't it? You wanted to prove you still had it in you? I don't know... I just hope you're alright. Don't forget to buy some healing potions wherever you go. Stay out of bad company. And don't forget to change your underpants! Your father and I both miss you very much... Stay safe. Alex: ... Harry, could I give you a reply to send back next time you are in Homtown? Harry: Yep, why not? Alex: Tell mother... Tell her I'm fine, I'm still with Marche, and that I'm trying to restore the beer flow to Zazaria. Jess: What, don't I count for anything? Alex: Let's see, you're a thief and Sahed's a mage with an anger management problem. No, I don't think that would go down too well. Sahed: I do *NOT* have an anger management problem!!! Harry: Okay. Marche: Well, let's see mine... Peter: Hey, Marche! I guess you're leaving for a bit longer than a few days after all! It's great to see you're finally off on another quest again! I hope things turn out well. Things are going great back here in Homtown. You know Lloyd, my boss? He got called off on some business, and I'm running the store while he's gone! If you get a chance, please try and find Lora. I guess that's it from me. See you when you get home! Harry: Do you want me to send a reply back? Marche: Nah, there's nothing I really need to say. Ah, what the heck. Tell him Alex and I have formed a party of heroes, and we are journeying across Zazaria for the greater good! Alex: Or better yet, don't. Marche: Phht. Okay. Harry: Anything else? I've got an appointment with the mayor of A, you know. Very pricey sell. Could be my big break! Alex: A what? Harry: A city! Alex: ... Jess: That's the name of the city. 'A'. Alex: I didn't say anything! Jess: You were thinking it. Harry: Okay, see y'all later! (Harry walks off.) Jess: ... *sigh* Alex: Is something wrong, Jess? Jess: No! I'm fine. Marche: So anyway, what were we... oh yeah! The soap! You know I hear they have this great pink elephant engraved soap now. Jess: Then why don't you go *use* some, instead of just talking about it?! (Suddenly Bob runs in from outside the city.) Bob: Stop! It is vitally important you must not leave the city! Jess: Don't worry, we aren't going anywhere. Bob: Oh, well uh... don't. I have something important to tell you. Alex: Hey... it's Bob, isn't it? What are you doing here? Didn't you say your tower was the other way? Bob: I am, and it is. My plans were forcibly altered through an unexpected discovery. I did not expect to find it was you at the source. Marche: Hey, Bob! Have you found that tome you were looking for yet? Bob: Not that it is any of your business, but the reason I must speak with you is on that same matter. Jess: I don't know... our time is pretty valuable... Alex: Damn it, Jess. Stop thinking through your purse for just one minute will you? Marche: Ooh, clever phrase. I must remember that one. Jess: Don't you have to pay money for copyrights? Alex: What did I just say? Sahed: Perhaps you should stop bickering and return attention to Bob, whom could, at the very least, not have anything of *less* value to say. Alex: Yeah, okay. (The party turn to face Bob.) Bob: Not terribly much longer after you had rudely interrupted my study, I started researching several divination spells that might help me locate the Tome of Masterful Illusions. I was practicing scrying when I suddenly felt an incredibly powerful illusion spell being cast... one that could only possibly have been cast from the Tome! The power had come from somewhere within this city. As I travelled closer I could still faintly pick up traces of the illusion magic, and so tracked the spell down to here. Jess: So? Bob: Someone within this group is actually under a powerful illusion, and is not who they say they are! Alex: Sahed. Marche: Sahed. Jess: Sahed. Sahed: Was it really that obvious? Alex: Yes. Yes it was. Sahed: Fine then. I admit it. I am not really Sahed, though I wonder how it is possible this mere... apprentice could possibly track my powerfully cloaked spell. Bob: You obviously underestimate my skill. Sahed: Do I just. You could not even begin to understand the magical power I have at my control. Bob: You can not be too powerful for me to find you this easily. Marche: Wow, these guys could be here all day. Somebody fetch some popcorn. Jess: Those two are both hopeless. I would've just stuck the other one with a knive ages ago. Alex: Oh yeah, because bypassing the fundamental laws on which the universe runs is nothing compared to a small pointy piece of steel. Marche: Size hardly matters. It's no worse than your larger weapon. Alex: Are you kidding? A larger weapon is far more powerful. Marche: Not necessarily. It would depend on how much skill you had using it Jess: Wow, there are so many wrong ways I could interpret this conversation. Sahed: As I was saying before this pathetic excuse for a magician dared interrupt, I am not actually Sahed. The real Sahed was killed several months ago. By me, as it happens. I am actually... [Flowery text: Insert suspense here!] Shade: Shade, high minion of Nameless! [Surprise!] Marche: Man, that was so predictable and cliché. Jess: For once, I am reluctantly forced to agree. Alex: Damn straight. Marche: Heh-heh-heh... But I too am actually an impostor! Alex: Wha-? Marche: I am actually... Marche: Chicken! Alex: ... Marche: Ha-ha, SIKE, I'm not actually Chicken. But it would have been cool, hey? Shade: Do you ever realise how foolish that sounded? Marche: Yes. Shade: Hm. I wonder. Alex: So, who *is* Nameless, anyway? Shade: Nameless is my lord and master, the most powerful force of evil in and beyond the world! Marche: Baring, you know, devils and gods. Shade: For now perhaps... heh-heh-heh... Now, I must bid you adieu. No doubt my master shall want a full report of everything you've been planning! Alex: What I don't get, is why this Nameless is so interested in us anyway. Jess: Who knows? I said we shouldn't have trusted him. Alex: No you didn't! When we were in The jail you *encouraged* us to trust him! Jess: I was thinking it. Alex: Oh yeah, that's a big help. Marche: Shade! You will pay for this! Shade: Ha-ha-ha-ha! You honestly think you could do anything against me? Please, don't make me laugh. But rest assured I shall soon make you suffer for the torment and indignity you put me through! (Shade walks away.) NPC: Welcome to the bustling city of The! Shade: DARKFLAME! Bob: STOP! FIREBALL! (Shade vanishes.) Bob: He... he didn't even feel it... (Bob turns to the party.) Bob: How could you let him get away! That was my one chance to obtain the Tome! Foolish, ignorant failures! Marche: Gees, are those two brothers or something? Bob: Don't you *dare* compare me to that fiend! You do not understand the importance that I retrieve the Tome! Alex: Seriously, calm down man. Marche: That's a bit much coming from you. Wasn't it only just half an hour ago YOU were unnecessarily angry? Alex: Shut up. (Bob starts pacing.) Bob: I can't return empty handed... There must be something... Alex: Well don't look at me. I've got enough on my plate already. Bob: Wait, that's it! Tell me... where is your next intended destination? Marche: We're off on a quest to find Yggip! Bob: Hm. My father's tower is also west from here. I will travel with you, on the chance that Shade returns. You must tell me everything you now about him. Jess: Hold on, I don't think you should be making demands of us! You threatened to kill us last time we met, if I remember correctly! Alex: She's got a point. Why should we travel with you? Bob: Fine. I shall pay you... five hundred gold coins upon our arrival. Is that fair? Alex: Works for me. Jess: Fuck. Alex: Er, what? Jess: Fuck! Marche: Jess, you might want to try speaking English. That might help. Alex: You know, this is really stretching our PG rating a bit. Bob: Actually, 'fuck' is ancient draconian slang for 'porridge'. Alex: You can speak dragon? Bob: The term is 'draconian'. If you must refer to the magestic and powerful race of dragons, you should at least have the decency to use the correct term! Jess: Our gold! Argh! All that time for nothing! Marche: Okay, good work! now try speaking in complete sentences. Jess: Shade! He had our gold when he was buying supplies! That bastard stole all our gold! Alex: ... God damn it. Marche: Ah, who cares? We don't need supplies any more! I can use my healing skill whenever we're injured! Jess: All those bloody rats! And soldiers! And frogs - Marche: Of doom. Jess: For nothing! ARGH! Marche: Hey, we got all that experience though. You'll be much better at stealing once we finish our quest! Jess: Don't you *dare* start thinking positive on me! Bob: Honestly, you people are hopeless. I have plenty of supplies, should any be required. However you must not even touch them without my explicit permission. I shall give them only as I feel is required. Marche: I don't see what you're talking about; as party members we get the same inventory anyway. Bob: What?! I am not joining your hopeless party! I am only travelling with you in the case that Shade returns! Marche: Travelling with, in the party, same thing. Bob: It is far different! Marche: *ahem* [Bob joins the party!] Bob: ... Oh, fine. But I will not staying for very long so don't get used to it. And if anyone takes my possessions I personally shall see them killed. Jess: Ha! Party members can't even attack each other! (Believe me, I've tried.) Bob: Are you willing to put that to the test? Jess: ... No, not really. Bob: Good. Now let us leave. This delay has already put me a day behind schedule. Alex: Okay. (Alex, Marche and Bob walk away.) Jess: Have a nice time. Without Sahed's, well, Shade's promise I'm going off on my own. Travelling alone is generally faster and cheaper than travelling in a group, and I need to... re-obtain some finances. Besides, to be perfectly honest, I'm sick to death of travelling with Marche anyway. Marche: Aw, come on Jess! We need a full party of four! Jess: Then take that guy with you! NPC: Welcome to the bustling city of The! Alex: (God damn NPCs.) Alex: That's great Jess! I guess we'll just have to split the payment between Marche and I then! (The group begin to walk off.) Jess: ... Fubar damned bribery. Hey, wait up! (Jess runs after them.) (Meanwhile, in Homtown, the Blobby is... blobbing near the well) Blobby: Finally, I have escaped from my two demon-spawn captives! I must hide, quickly, before I am recaptured! This well shall prove an advantageous position... (Blobby jumps into the well. A few seconds later, Jack and Jill walk up.) Jill: Aw, Frupert got away. Jack: Why'd he have to go? We were having lots of fun! Jill: I know! Let's make a wish at the wishing well! Jack: Yeah! Good idea! (Jack and Jill walk up to the well.) Blobby: (Ah! Why are these humans assaulting me with coins?! Why?!) Jill: I wish we could find Frupert the blobby again! Jack: And I wish mummy would let us eat ice-cream for dinner! Jill: Don't! Making others do what you want is wrong! Jack: Oh-no! You're right! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it! (Jack thinks for a moment.) Jack: I know! Blobby: (Argh! They shall suffer for this indignity!) Jack: I wish my last wish didn't come true! Jill: Oooh! I got an idea! Blobby: ARGH! Jill: I wish I... what was that? Jack: I dunno. Maybe it was a magic well genie! Jill: Yeah! Let's give it more coins so it can grant our wishes! Blobby: Nooooooooooo! No more coins! Jack: Oh, okay Mr. Genie! Jill: Come on, let's play tag! You're it! Jack: Hey! No fair! I was it last time! Jill: Only 'cause you're so slow! Jack: Am not! (Jack and Jill run off. Blobby gets out.) Blobby: Accursed fools! Never mind. At least throughout this torture I have had time to formulate a great plan for revenge, and to acquire the power of human speech! Now I must obtain a disguise so I may walk unknown among humans... Hmmm... Perhaps these coins will come in handy... (Blobby walks into the armoury, up to Toby's bench.) Blobby: Shopkeep! I require some armour! (Toby looks around.) Toby: Peter, did yeh be sayin' something? Peter: What? No, I didn't say anything. Did you? Toby: Nay. I be thinkin' I be hearin' somethin', but. Per'aps it was just meh imagination. Peter: Must have been. I can't see anyone else in here! Toby: I guess yeh be right! Blobby: I said it you ignorant fools! Toby: Yeh know, it's tha strangest thing, how I keep hearin' someone, when I canna see anyone! Peter: It is very strange isn't it? But we definitely can't see anything. Toby: Tha's how I cen tell there's nothin' there, yeh now. Not bein' able teh see anythin'. Peter: It really is quite a shame we can't see anyone. Blobby: I'm down here you morons! Toby: Ah! A random encounter! Quick, Peter, toss meh a weapon! Peter: Wait, it can't be random encounter! You don't get random encounters in a town! Toby: Why no'? Peter: I think the fence keeps them out. Toby: Tha fence. Peter: Yes. Toby: Tha weak, poorly made, damaged fence. Peter: Yes. Toby: Tha weak, poorly made, damaged fence tha does no' even circle tha whole village. Peter: Yes. Toby: Tha weak, poorly made, damaged fence tha does no' even circle tha whole village and could be stepped over by anything larger than a child, or crawled under by anything smaller than a child, or stepped through by anything the size of a child, and could, for tha matter, easily be destroyed by a child or knocked down just by *speaking* too loudly? Peter: Yes. Toby: Oh, okay. I guess tha makes sense. What's it be doin' in here, but? Blobby: I am a customer, fool! Toby: Well why didn't yeh say so! Blobby: I DID you ignoramus! Toby: Okay, then. But yeh might want to be a bit more polite else yeh shall get naught! Now, what cen I do for yeh? Blobby: This is what I require, and pay attention - Toby: Ah-ah-ah! Blobby: ... This is what I require... *shudder* please... [To Be Continued...]