***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Fifteen - Issues of the Soul***

[A wise man once said: Beans, beans they're good for your heart...]

(Alex, Marche, Jess and Bob are at a camp on an east-west road.)

Marche: Hi-yah! Ha! Yah!
Alex: Okay, what the heck are you doing?
Marche: I'm fighting invisible stalkers.
Alex: Funny, I don't see any.
Marche: That's because they're invisible!
Alex: ...
Marche: Argh! It got me!

Bob: Is he always this immature?
Jess: Pretty much, yeah.
Bob: And, according to the few battles we have fought since we left The, he is a ranger too?
Jess: Yeah.
Bob: Then why are we travelling with him? He would seem only to hinder our progress.
Jess: Don't ask me. Alex is apparently the leader of this 'party', and he seems to enjoy his company at least.
Bob: Then he is a sentimental fool.
Jess: ...

(Marche and Alex walk over.)

Bob: Did you find anything?
Jess: Yeah, like that's going to happen.
Alex: Actually, yes. I managed to find a paddling of ducks, and Marche shot two down before they flew away.
Marche: It was *the* coolest mini-game!
Jess: Huh. I thought you sucked with the crossbow.
Bob: I thought you sucked

Bob: That's it, that's my whole sentence.
Marche: No, I'm getting the hang of it now. I would have done a lot better if *somebody* hadn't used my old bow for firewood-
Jess: It was that or your songs, and I know which one *I* would have rather burned.
Alex: Not that I have any objection to either, but couldn't Bob have just started a fire magically?
Bob: It is true I could have started a magical fire, but that would have required a lot of effort to keep burning. If instead I use a fuel source it requires only a moment's concentration to alight it.
Marche: -or if I still had Lora...
Bob: Lora? Interesting. Are you aware that that name has draconian roots?
Marche: Yeah. It was my mother's, until it was stolen. Lora means 'star key'.
Bob: I suppose you could call it that, though a more literal translation would be 'otherworldly seal'. 
Marche: Hey, I've been wondering, why do you know so much about the ancient Draconians? I wouldn't have thought it was the most... useful knowledge, for a mage.
Bob: Not that it is any of your business...
Alex: So help me god, if you say that one more time I'm going to smack you.
Bob: I wouldn't advise it. Anyway, I suppose you could call me something of a historian. My father owns a large collection of rare books and parchments, but rarely takes the time to take care for them properly. I took it upon myself to categorise and properly store all of the information. I came across an old tome about the ancient dragons, and their sheer power and majesty both surprised and awed me. Since then I have studied what information I can gather on them, in the hopes that there may yet be remanets of the ancient race left in Zazaria.
Marche: Wow. My mother was also interested in the dragons, and she believed there may still be sentient dragons somewhere. Do you think you could teach me how to speak Draconian too?
Bob: It would be a long and difficult task; I do not believe you would be dedicated enough.
Marche: Ha, you're probably right!
Bob: If your mother has information on the ancient dragons, I would be interested in arranging a meeting some time, though.
Marche: Yeah... she passed away a while ago.
Bob: Do you know if she kept any records of her discoveries?
Marche: I... think she took them all with her when she... you know.
Bob: Hm. A pity.
Marche: ...

(Alex and Jess glance at each other)

Jess: So, uh, are we eating these bloody ducks, or do you plan on holding a funeral for them?
Alex: Yeah, we're kind of getting hungry over here.
Marche: Oh, right! Let us all enjoy in the spoils of another great victory for Marche the Ranger!
Bob: You just killed two ducks.
Marche: Oh, but it was so much more! An epic struggle for life or death, and only my keen ranger skills could gloriously wrench the axis to-
Bob: Just cook the ducks.
Marche: Oh. Oh, no.
Jess: What? Do you want us to eat them raw or something?
Marche: I'm only letting you have some on the condition you call me 'Marche, the superiorly-classed ranger!'
Alex: ... Can I have some duck, oh Marche the superiorly-classed ranger?
Marche: :-)
Alex: I hate you sometimes, Marche.
Jess: ... I would also... like... some duck... Marche the... *sigh* superiorly-classed ranger.
Bob: ... I have my own food supplies.

(Bob walks off.)

Marche: Pht. Spoilsport.

[The next day...]

(Alex, Jess and Bob stand around a sleeping Marche.)

Marche: (The destruction... it was horrible...)
Marche: (Everyone dead... and all... because of me...)
Alex: Hey, Marche. Wake up!
Marche: (A voice? Or was it just my imagination?)
Alex: MARCHE! Any time today!
Bob: It is four o'clock in the morning. It is unreasonable for any to be up at this hour!
Jess: I thought you were complaining about being behind 'schedule'.
Bob: Perhaps, but this is purely ridiculous!
Alex: MARCHE! God damn it, he won't wake up. He keeps muttering something about destruction.
Marche: (And yet... and yet... I've seen it all before... it's just the same...)
Jess: How are we supposed to wake him up then? We don't have all day!
Bob: We certainly have most of the night! Perhaps I could try and magically wrest him awake.
Alex: No, wait. I've got a better idea.
Marche: (It's too much... what could I have done? What should I have done?)
Alex: Hey, Marche. It's actually just a dream. SIKE.

(Marche jumps up.)

Marche: Oh! Why didn't you just say so?
Alex: ...
Jess: Let's get going. We should be able to reach Yggip's farm before lunch.

(The party walk off. Later, they are walking along.)

Bob: So, let me just get this clear, you began on this 'quest' just to fuel your own addiction to alcohol?
Alex: Well, uh... You *could* put it that way.
Bob: I suspected as much. *sigh*
Alex: Hey! I've been spending the last few weeks journeying across the country and risking a lot to be able to restore beer to everyone!
Marche: And let's not forget trying to solve the mystery of the additive in the last beer in The, and dealing with the Devil Clan.
Jess: And earning gold. Let's also not forget that.
Bob: ...heh. You're doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons.
Alex: What's *that* supposed to mean?
Bob: Never mind. 

Jess: I think that's the farm up ahead.
Alex: And, as a sidenote, why does the grass keep changing colour everywhere we go?
Marche: Something to do with tilesets, I think.

(The party walk for a while and reach the farm's barn. Bob stops.)

Bob: ... Strange.
Alex: What is it?
Bob: I can sense... something. There's some kind of magic nearby, but... it feels... strange.
Alex: Huh. Come on, let's take a look.

(Alex walks to the door.)

Alex: Damn it. It's locked tight.
Bob: Incidently, I wonder why Yggip kept so many pots?
Marche: Oh, probably so-
Jess: Let's just stick to the task at hand, shall we?
Marche: Perhaps I should scout around and look for any other entrances?
Jess: Heh, amateurs.

(Jess walks up. A moment later the door opens.)

Jess: ... Wow, this experience *does* make stealing so much easier!

(Jess walks in.)

Alex: ... I'm not too sure whether to be pleased or worried.
Marche: Hey, she's on our side, so it's all good.
Bob: I would hardly call stealing 'good'.
Marche: Meh, good is relative.
Bob: Relative to *what*?
Marche: To evil!
Bob: ...
Jess: Guys! You ought to see this.

(Alex, Marche and Bob walk in. Inside the barn Yggip is lying on the floor, apparently dead.)

Alex: Oh god. He's dead.
Jess: He's not, technically, dead.
Alex: What do you mean, 'technically'?
Jess: I've been involved in... street feuds, as it were, before. On of the most important things to know was how to know when somebody was dead. There was one particular feud... the other group had a skilled mage with them, who had spells that could even fake death.
Marche: Like by lying down, closing your eyes and sticking your tongue out?
Jess: Anyway... that's not important. The point is, Yggip is still alive.

(Marche walks up.)

Marche: She's right. He isn't breathing, but he's still got a pulse... And his tongue is most definitely *inside* his mouth.
Bob: Allow me to examine him.

(Bob walks up.)

Bob: He is alive. It appears as though he is being held in this semi-alive state by a powerful magical enchantment, but I can not discern the exact type. The magic feels strangely unfamiliar, and...
Marche: Strange, by any chance?
Bob: Yes, actually. While I may specialise in offensive magic, I still have a broad knowledge of all spells, and thus whatever magic was used here must be rare indeed.
Alex: Can you cure him?
Bob: I'm afraid not. Without knowledge of the spell cast on him, there is little hope I could reverse it.

Jess: So... what now? I don't think we're exactly going to be payed for finding Yggip if he can't actually farm.
Marche: The question is not what we should do, but *why* this was done? If somebody wanted to stop Yggip for some reason, why didn't they just kill him? And why just leave him here, where he could be easily found?
Alex: We need to find out how to undo the spell, I think. If we could do that Yggip could tell us everything, and we could finally get this over with.
Jess: And get paid!
Marche: But first, we need to find the person who did this, so they can tell us what spell it was!
Bob: I have an idea. Since we are travelling towards my father's tower in any case, I may feel so generous as to allow you access to our library. There you could almost certainly find the appropriate counter-spell.
Alex: But... we can't cast any magic.
Bob: That is your problem. I only offer my services until such time as we arrive at my tower.
Jess: Hey, I bet if we found Mia again she'd do it for free.
Marche: Does nobody *care* why this happened? Aren't you even slightly curious?!
Alex: Hey, Marche, get this... No we aren't.
Marche: ... O_O ...

Alex: Okay, how about this. We should split up and search the farm for any hints of what happened here. Whatever else, I don't think any conflict happened here. Jess, break into the house and search for any signs of who did this. Maybe check for any journals or something too, if something happened to the last batch of beer Yggip might have known something about it. 
Jess: Okay.
Marche: And while you're at it, see if you can find any food. I'm starving!
Jess: ... fine.
Alex: Marche, check around the farm if you can find anything.
Marche: Will do, oh fearless leader!
Alex: Don't call me that. Bob, I know it's unlikely, but could you try and use your magic to find anything in here?
Bob: If you think it will help, I will do so. But I can not delay any longer than today here.
Alex: Good.
Marche: What about you?
Alex: Er... I don't know. I thought the whole point of being a leader is that you don't actually have to *do* anything, just order others around.
Bob: A party leader is traditionally chosen to lead by example, actually.
Marche: How about you come with me? There's a lot of ground to cover, and I might run into some random encounters.
Alex: In a farm? What kind of monsters are you going to fight in a farm?
Marche: Er... cows?
Alex: ... Forget I asked.

(The party split up and walk off. Bob remains, casting a few spells.)

Bob: This is hopeless. I don't know what he honestly expects me to find... I should have just headed straight back to-

(Bob jumps.)

Bob: ...No. This... this can't right! Oh, lord...

(Meanwhile, Alex and Marche are outside.)

Alex: ... I can't believe we actually fought a random encounter cow.
Marche: What else are we supposed to fight at a farm?
Alex: Nothing? Why would a cow even attack us? Heck, why is there even a cow here at all? Yggip doesn't keep live animals!
Marche: It fits the surroundings, though. It is, after all, more appropriate here than a soldier or an evil giant frog of doom.
Alex: ... I'm not even going to bother arguing anymore. 
Marche: Because you know I'm right!
Alex: Because it's fairly obvious I'm not going to convince you otherwise. 
Marche: Because I'm right!
Alex: ... *sigh*
Marche: You're sighing because I'm right, right?
Alex: ...

Alex: This is pointless. I don't think we're really going to find anything. I hope Jess is having more luck than we are.

(Cut to Jess walking to Yggip's house.)

Jess: 3... 2... 1...

(Isaac jumps out of the well.)

Isaac: What, I'm that predictable now?

(Back to Alex and Marche)

Marche: At least we're getting a bit more experience. And you never know when a 'grass' item might come in handy.
Alex: Yeah, like that's really... Hey, hold up. There's something over there.

(Alex and Marche walk up to a field of yeast. There is a strange symbol on the ground, and a blood stain.)

Alex: That looks like... blood. I think is where the struggle took place.
Marche: That symbol looks unusual. Maybe it's some kind of a magic rune?
Alex: I don't know. Let's go ask Bob.
Marche: Okay.

(They walk off. Later, Alex, Marche, Jess and Bob converge in the barn again.)

Marche: ...it was kind of a red squiggly line, forming a circle, with a black and red dot in the middle.
Bob: Hmmm... It does not sound like a magic rune. If I were to make a guess, I would say it was the insignia of whoever did this.
Marche: Do you think we could look it up in your library too?
Bob: If the group or person at fault was sufficiently known or old, it may well be recorded.
Jess: Um... guys? Am I the only one thinking that the person ultimately responsible is becoming increasingly obvious? 
Marche: I don't know what you're talking about.
Jess: Oh for the love of... come on! Who is the only major villain at all we know of? It's clearly-
Marche: Wait! Don't say it!
Jess: ... Why not?
Alex: I'm going to have to side with Jess. I mean, really.
Marche: No! Antagonists aren't *allowed* to have a clue about what's going on! They *have* to foolishly bumble along for at least the first third of their adventure!
Alex: ... Why? If we know who it is, can't we just go stop them or something?
Marche: No! We need to waste our time finding our for sure, or doing random side quests, or accidentally helping the arch-villain to give us time to fully develop our characters and to become sufficiently skilled to take them on!! Duh!
Jess: Can't we just, hire an assassin? 
Alex: I wonder if Jeff would work for us if we busted him out of jail...
Bob: ... If I may, for a moment, divert your attention back to something of any importance, I did find something of grave importance about Yggip's current state.
Marche: Did you find out the spell?
Bob: Not exactly... but I found out something even more important. Whoever stopped Yggip reduced him to this half-dead state using soul magic!

Alex: What?
Bob: Urgh! Do you people know nothing of magic whatsoever?!
Jess: The term does sound kind of familiar...
Alex: Not really.
Marche: Magic is the thing with the fireballs, right?
Bob: ... You people are hopeless. Soul magic is the most deadly and dangerous of all magic. Other spells may affect the body or environment, but soul magic is the only kind that can permanently affect a person's mind and spirit. In doing so, the caster sacrifices a portion of their own soul, slowly reducing them to nothing but a corrupt shell. There is no way to reverse any soul magic, unless the caster of the spell reverses the spell through their own will.
Alex: Well that... kind of... completely sucks.
Jess: So, unless we find the exact person that cast the spell, and convince them to reverse it...
Bob: Yggip will be stuck as a mindless corpse forever.

Marche: So why did the dragon cross the road?
Jess: ... what the hell?
Marche: I'm just trying to lighten the mood a bit! You people all look so glum and serious.
Bob: I would prefer if you did not joke about the Dragon race, if it were all the same. And we should treat this matter with the level of seriousness of involves!
Alex: I think, given the circumstances, being glum is also entirely acceptable.
Marche: Gees, tough crowd. Okay then: Knock, knock.
Alex: ... *sigh* Who's there?
Marche: Banana.
Alex: So help me god, if this is another one of those lame 'orange you glad I didn't say banana' jokes, I swear I will smack you.
Bob: I second that motion. But replace 'smack' with 'fireball'.
Marche: Oh. Well, uh, never mind then.

Jess: ANYWAY, when I was in Yggip's house I managed to find something of far greater impact.
Marche: What is it?
Jess: It is something that could make or break our quest, and is of vital importance.
Alex: What?
Jess: It is... *dramatic pause*
Bob: Anytime *today* would be appreciated.
Jess: A tin of baked beans that we can eat with our lunch.
Marche: Mmmmmm, baked beans.
Alex: That's it? If that's all, we probably ought to get going to Bob's tower as early as possible.
Jess: Oh, and Yggip's journal too.
Bob: That sounds of somewhat more important value.
Jess: Value is relative.
Marche: Relativity is relative.
Jess: Oh-kay... Anyway, I've marked a passage of interest.
Marche: Let me have a look!

(Jess hands the journal over.)
Yggip: March the 4th: Cloudy today. Hopefully there will be rain soon. The yeast crop has been a bit dry lately. 
Marche: Etc, etc... Oh, this looks interesting.
Yggip: That barbarian turned up again today. It's getting beyond a joke. He threatened if I didn't co-operate in using his new fertiliser and sell out to his boss there would be 'consequences'. Like I would ever sell my business! I told him no, again, and he became very angry. He destroyed some of my crops so I took out my pitch-fork and threatened him. He didn't like that very much. To summarize, he pretty much owned me. As he left, he told me if I didn't tell him otherwise within a few days then I would be an enemy. Stupid oaf. How am I supposed to contact him, anyway? Not that I would. He did leave some of his 'fertiliser' behind, and I had a look at it. I'm not sure what it's made of, but it doesn't look good for the plants. I threw it out in the garbage.
Marche: So, whoever that barbarian works for must also be behind the riots at The!
Alex: You think? No, really?
Jess: Wow, I didn't see that one coming!
Alex: We are, of course, being sarcastic.
Jess: You think? No, really?
Alex: Shut up.
Bob: This is very interesting, I'm sure, but it contains little that could actually help identify the culprit.
Marche: Wait, there's more. This is from the next day:
Yggip: Old Chicky is acting a bit strange. He was pecking around in the garbage again, that stupid thing won't learn I swear, but once I threw the garbage out he became really agitated. He kept trying to dig it up again, and pecking me when I wouldn't.
Marche: It goes on to say how Yggip decided to get rid of him.
Bob: Hmm... I believe have heard of something like this before.
Alex: You have?
Bob: There is a rare chemical found in the Moonslivia plant that triggers addiction in creatures to occur at far more rapid rates than normal, and reach larger potentials. The chemical is sometimes used in incredibly small amounts in some types of tobacco. If dangerously high quantities were mixed with some kind of an uninhibitor  
Alex: Beer.
Bob: Right, then the effects would be much like those you described in The!
Jess: Why would somebody want that, though? I mean, if you wanted to cause chaos there are much easier ways to do it. Assassinate a leader, kill a few random families, steal from the poor and give to the rich...
Alex: Uh, enough about that.
Marche: Oh, this is great!
Jess: Wait, what?
Marche: Don't you get it?! This problem of the missing beer must be in some way related to a far greater scheme, in which we have accidentally become involved in!
Jess: So... why is this great?
Marche: *sigh* You have no sense of heroism.
Jess: You have no sense of *realism*.
Alex: Anyway, that doesn't explain why Yggip was made like this...
Bob: Unless, once the criminals realised he wouldn't join them they decided to eliminate the competition, which could in turn mean that they may be planning to mass produce this drugged beer.
Jess: Then why not just kill Yggip?
Alex: Look, there's too much we just don't know.
Jess: Talk about a clichéd line.
Alex: Shut up. We ought to just get to Bob's tower and see what we can find out before we do anything else.
Bob: I agree.
Jess: I guess.
Marche: Alright! Let's go!

(Marche walks out.)

Jess: Uh, Marche?
Marche: Huh? Why aren't you all bravely striding out to confront your destiny with me?
Alex: We were going to have lunch first.
Marche: Oh, right. Heh-heh, got a little carried away.
Bob: ...

[To Be Continued...]