***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Sixteen - The Unnamed Forest***

[A wise man once said: Who is more of a noob: The noob, or the noob that noobs the noob?]

(A ranger and a warrior stand in a forest, near a stream.)

Warrior: We're lost again, aren't we?
Ranger: Define 'lost'.
Warrior: Lost, as in... wait a second, what the heck just happened to us?!
Ranger: Hm, by my expert ranger calculations we seem to have been transmogrified into miniature, pathetic-looking sprites of our former, highly animated selves.
Warrior: Great, you've gotten us SO lost, we've actually wandered into another machinima.
Ranger: Wait... don't you realise what this means?!
Warrior: Why no, actually, I don't. Please explain to me exactly what this is supposed to mean?
Ranger: FREE PLUG!

(Meanwhile, the party wander into a section of forest.)

Jess: I could have sworn I heard something over here.
Alex: You're probably just imagining things. No one else heard anything.
Bob: Indeed. It would seem improbable that you alone would hear something clearly when nobody else detected anything unusual.
Jess: I did! It sounded like... 'Endeavouring fights' or 'Ever bending tights' or something.
Marche: Hmm. That sounds suspiciously like someone taking advantage of our absence to advertise their own series!
Alex: Advertisements? Come on, even *we* wouldn't sink down that low.

[We interrupt your program to bring you these messages...]

Alex: Oh no. A hoard of nasty goblins has beaten us almost-but-not-quite to death.
Bob: We are certainly doomed.
Marche: Alak! Woe is upon me for fate hast cast its cruel eye again over us and thrust these vile manifestations to wreck such dire consequences upon us! If only there was something that could cast away the otherwise impervious shackles that chain us to death's door!
Alex: (Yeah, okay, no need to go overboard.)
Marche: (Are you kidding? I'm going for role-playing xp here!)
Marche: But, lo!
Alex: (Never say 'lo' again. Ever.)
Marche: For what is this I find within reach? 'Tis Pete's Perfect Potion!
Bob: Joy upon us.
Alex: Woot.
Marche: For but one sip of this magical brew shall rescue our hit points from the depths of oblivion!
Bob: *Glug. Glug. Glug.* Hurray. Now I feel ready to Go for Goblins.
Alex: (TM)
Jess: Pete's Perfect Potion, available at all good inns and items store near you!
Jess: (Pete's Perfect Potion, Go for Goblins and Impervious Shackles are registered trademarks of the Perfect Empire and are used With Permission(tm). Recommended retail price $199.)

[We now return to your regularly scheduled program.]

Alex: Okay, let's not do that again. Ever
Bob: I can not believe you talked me into shaming myself in that blatant advertising!
Marche: Are you *kidding*?! That was HEAPS of fun!
Jess: And did you see how much gold we got just for that! Think of the profits for product placement alone!
Bob: There shall be no further advertising while I am here or somebody will *burn*!
Jess: Wow! Lucky for me that Martin the Magical's has genuine 50% off savings on all elemental-
Bob: FIREBALL!

(Jess jumps and doges it.)

Jess: Eat exceptionally high agility score, sucker.
Bob: ...
Alex: Hey! Would it kill you to take out your aggression in a slightly less violent way?
Bob: Sure, I guess I could just use *my* exceptionally high intelligence score in a game of chess.
Jess: ... Let's just get on with our journey.
Marche: Good idea. We'd better head back to the road. Keep an eye out for random encounters, we didn't get to actually *keep* any of those potions.
Jess: What are you talking about, I only took three steps in from-

(Camera moves to reveal huge forest behind them.)

Jess: Crap.
Alex: Why does this not even remotely surprise me?
Bob: It would seem this forest has some kind of a magical space distortion within it.
Marche: Something like that. This is the Unnamed Forest. Rumour has it that anyone who enters never find there way out again!
Alex: Why doesn't it have a name?
Marche: Well, normally the first person to discover something would name it, but since nobody has ever managed to go in and out again...
Jess: Then, why the heck did you not mention this?!
Marche: I thought it would be an adventure!
Bob: ... Stand back. I am going to attempt to counter-act the distortion magic.
Alex: Stand back? Why would we need to-
Bob: FIREBALL!

(All of the nearby trees vanish.)

Alex: Oh.
Bob: Hm. The magic proves more resistant than I expected.
Alex: *sigh* So now what?
Jess: We should just keep heading west. Magic or no magic, we have to get out near the tower eventually.
Marche: Actually, I'm surprised we haven't run into anyone yet... I bet any minute now someone will jump out and give us a side quest.
Alex: Come on, what’s the chance of that happening?
Bob: I think it would be wiser for me to prepare an appropriate incantation to teleport us directly out of the forest, or temporarily cancel out the affects of the forest's magic.
Marche: Wait for it...

Alex: Marche, I -
Marche: WAIT for it...

Bob: If you-
Marche: **WAIT** for it...!

Marche: Any minute now...!

Marche: Still waiting for it!
Jess: Screw this, I'm out of here.

(Jess walks off, and it knocked over by a woman running up.)

Woman: Oh! I'm so sorry! Let me help you up.

(Jess jumps up and backs off back to the party.)

Marche: Told you so.
Woman: Are you... are you adventurers?
Marche: Of course!
Woman: Please... you have to help me!
Alex: *sigh* What is it?
Woman: It's my husband... he's in danger! 
Marche: What kind of danger?
Woman: We were going for a walk in the forest... when a group of trolls snuck up on us and knocked him out! I think they took him captive in there camp, to the north of here!
Marche: Sure, we'll go get him back!
Bob: Now just wait one moment! We agreed to head straight for my tower once we left Yggip's farm!
Marche: Yeah, we are going straight there, we're just... taking a short cut. Yeah.
Alex: Marche, going through a thick, strangely magical forest to save somebody from a group of trolls is not a short cut. It is, at best, an unnecessarily long delay.
Woman: Please... you have to help him! He's... everything to me! I would give anything for his safe return! In particular I would give 300 gold coins and seven healing herbs!
Jess: Come on? 300 gold coins? We're risking our life here. Make it 500, and a dozen healing herbs. We'll need them after fighting trolls.
Marche: What? Are you forgetting my new technique? I can totally heal.
Jess: If you heal as well as you sing, you'll probably *damage* our health with it.
Woman: Well... 400 gold coins. At the most.
Jess: 450.
Woman: 425, and I'll throw in a free moonslivia plant.
Alex: At what point did we actually agree to do this?
Bob: I find it somewhat ironic that this man is worth everything to her, yet she will haggle for his very life. Nevertheless perhaps it would not prove such a poor idea. If we are stuck in this forest it would be wise to stick together, and the roots of the moonslivia plant can be useful in any number of earth-based enchantments.
Marche: And if we took the leaves to The, it might help them develop an antidote for the drugged beer! Plus Jess gets more gold! So everyone is happy!
Alex: Wait, what about me? I'm not exactly ecstatic about this!
Marche: *sigh* Still a way to go...
Woman: So, we'll settle on 337 gold coins and nine healing herbs on the safe return of my husband, and 100 gold coins and a moonslivia plant upfront.
Jess: Deal. But I want that on a written contract.

(The woman hands over 100 gold coins, the plant and a contract.)

Jess: Right! Let's go earn some additional gold!
Alex: *sigh* I hate side quests.
Marche: Hey, yeah. This is a side quest isn't it? That gives me an idea...
Alex: Oh lord, what have I done?

(The party walk off. The woman shines and turns into Dijano.)

Dijano: ... *smile*

(Meanwhile, the party walk through the forest.)

Marche: Our unlikely heroes... (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Off on a side quest... (bom, bom, bom, bom)
Gonna waste some time... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
Slaying minor pests... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
Sure we should be sticking... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
To the task at hand... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
But we can't be resting... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
While evil's o'er land... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
So we'll become diverted... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
It's the right thing to do... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
Plus we'll get reward... (Bom, bom, bom, bom)
And gain a level too! (Bom, bom, bom, bom, BOM!)

Jess: You know I think that song is, if possible, even worse than your other ones.
Marche: Hey, I never said I was any good at improvisation.
Alex: You never said you were any good at singing either.
Marche: Touché.

Alex: I think we're nearly at the troll's den.
Bob: How can you be so sure?
Alex: Inhale.
Bob: *cough, retch* Right.
Marche: Okay, I've got a plan. Alex runs in and distracts the trolls, and Bob covers him using magic. Jess sneaks around to free the woman's husband. I'll stay back on healing duty. 
Bob: I am surprised you managed to think up both a plan and a, if incredibly poor, song in such a short time.
Alex: Ah, you're missing a key point. You assume Marche thinks while he sings.
Jess: You're assuming he thinks, full stop.
Alex: Anyway, thinking or not, it's a reasonable plan.
Bob: I concur. In addition, I shall be able to draw some additional magic from whatever is causing the forest's distortions. This, combined with my already powerful magical talents, should be enough to draw out and utterly annihilate any amount of trolls.
Marche: Just... be careful. Don't underestimate them. I've had... bad experiences with trolls before.
Alex: Okay, hold up. Seriously. That's three monsters now that you've hinted may have something do to with an event in your past.
Marche: Yeah, well. I'm just trying to remind everyone that YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A MYSTERIOUS PAST!
Alex: I think they got that with the blobby. And the frog. Now you're just going overboard.
Marche: Alright, alright. The whole blobby thing was in an unrelated incident, and I pretty much made up the troll thing on the spot. But I stand by my not-really-very-subtle foreshadowing about the Evil Giant Frog of Doom.
Jess: Could we get moving? If the trolls find us we'll lose the element of surprise.
Marche: And while we're discussing such things, I don't suppose you have any dark and mysterious event that shaped your past that you would like to subtly foreshadow, Bob?
Bob: No, I do not.
Marche: Or does he?!
Bob: No. I have spent my whole life as long as I remember living with my father, who has taught me the many secrets of magic.
Marche: Or have you?!
Bob: Yes. I think I would know my own life!
Marche: Or do you?!
Bob: Will you stop saying that?! God, I hate your character!
Alex: Right, that's our 'breaking the fourth wall' quota done for this episode, who wants to get on with our... quest?
Marche: Yeah, okay.

(Later, Alex and Bob walk into the troll camp. Marche hides nearby.)

Bob: This camp seems suspiciously empty.
Alex: Could you be quiet?
Bob: I'm just saying, I would have expected there to be some guards.
Alex: Do you *want* to jinx us or something?
Bob: But don't you think it's odd there are no-

(A battle begins, with Alex and Bob against three trolls.)

Alex: There! Now look what you've done! Are you happy now?
Bob: Actually, yes.
Alex: Er... what? That was a rhetorical question.
Bob: It is rare during my studies that I get to practically apply my magical prowess in a real situation. Since travelling with you, even for a short time, has resulted in many such encounters on which to unleash my deadly magic, I have gotten a far better feel for my own powers and limitations. Thus fighting more enemies shall only serve to enhance the practical benefit from this otherwise irritating experience.
Alex: Oh-kay...
Bob: If you spent slightly more, or as is the case any, time studying and I'm sure you would respond equally positive to combat!
Alex: I'll take your word on that. Now, it's time to get my own on.

(Alex attacks a troll with 'big slashy', doing considerably damage.)

Alex: Ha! Take that!

(Bob casts fireball, defeating all enemies.)

Bob: Heh. Swords are no substitute for sorcery!
Marche: (Heh-heh. Noobed.)
Alex: I feel so outclassed...

(Marche runs up.)

Marche: Hey! Are you injured? Do you need me to use Herbal Remedy on you?
Bob: As it happens, neither of us is wounded.
Marche: What?! You defeated the enemy in one round! Aw, man. I was looking forward to using it.
Alex: Well... you don't need to. Save your energy for when we need it.
Marche: Man... this sucks! I want to try it out! You'd better darn well get hurt in the next battle.

[37 battles later...]

Bob: Oh, will you look at that. Yet another flawless victory.
Marche: ARGH! This is SO unfair!
Alex: Shouldn't you have run out of magic... ages ago?
Bob: Of course not. That was merely one of my *minor* destructive spells.
Alex: Hmph. Just because you have a convenient nearby source of almost unlimited magic to draw from. If this was anywhere else you'd be relying on me by now!
Bob: In any case, it appears that I have managed to utterly annihilate every single troll in the camp, so we should now go to find Jess and release any prisoners.
Marche: *mutter, mutter, fluke, mutter, mutter*

(The three walk off. Meanwhile, Jess is standing near a cave.)

Jess: You took your time.
Alex: Well, excuse me, but we did kind of have to kill over a hundred trolls.
Bob: Excuse me? I believe I was the one defeating them.
Alex: Not always. I managed to kill several of them by getting a critical hit.
Bob: By a lucky shot, you mean.
Marche: Lucky's darn right. *mutter, mutter, not-getting-to-use-new-tech, mutter, mutter*
Jess: Uh, guys?
Alex: Right. Did you manage to find a key, or pick the lock?
Jess: Yeah, I found the key. It was just hanging on a nearby hook.
Marche: Well these *are* trolls. They don't exactly rank highly in the top ten most clever monsters of all time.
Jess: That's not the problem though. That woman... her husband isn't here.
Alex: Oh, great. I wonder if the trolls already killed him.
Bob: Perhaps he was never really here. Didn't it strike you as odd how the woman would bargain for the life of a lover, or how she never once gave out a name?
Marche: Trust me, that's not unusual for an NPC.
Jess: But wait... there's more!
Alex: ...
Jess: Sorry, just had to say that. 
Bob: Continue.
Jess: There are a couple of bandits in there too. They say they were trying to steal something from the trolls, they won't say what, but the trolls all ambushed them at once. 
Alex: Let me ask them some-

(Alex jumps.)

Alex: You!
Jess: What?
Alex: No way. It's those bandits that robbed us when we first left Homtown.
Jess: Talk about a coincidence.
Marche: Jess, this is an RPG. There are no such things as coincidences.
Bonny: ... Hello, Alex.
Bob: Hm. A coincidence indeed.
Alex: Huh?
Bob: I know of these bandits. Their names are Bill and Bonny. They once dared attempt to rob my father's tower. Suffice to say my father installed many magical traps and wards, and it went rather poorly for them.
Bonny: I remember you. You were the obnoxious brat with his nose stuck in a book.
Bob: Yes, and you were the bandit covered in burning oil with the nineteen daggers stuck out of various parts of your autonomy. Lucky for you my father pitied you enough to save you.
Bill: We smelt like chips!
Marche: Bonny, do you still have my bow you took from me?
Bonny: That hunk of junk? Yes, we still have it.
Marche: We will let you free if you return my bow.
Jess: What?!
Alex: Also What?!
Marche: Come on. Lora is important.
Jess: We're saving them from almost certain death! We deserve more than that.
Alex: I damn well want revenge for that beating.
Bonny: Honey, we had to make sure you couldn't follow us. We could have easily killed you. You should thank us we left you alive.
Alex: Oh, that is *it*! Open the damn cage and we'll settle this right now!
Bob: That would probably not be the wisest thing to do.
Marche: Just hand over Lora.
Jess: And a thousand gold coins.
Bonny: Oh, I'm terribly sorry. 'Lora' is back at our camp, nearby. If you release us we can go and get it for you. And all our gold is back there too.
Jess: Yeah, right. Like any of use are going to fall for-

(Marche opens the cage.)

Marche: There, now tell us where-
Bonny: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Idiot!
Bill: Yes?
Bonny: I was laughing at Marche.
Bill: Oh.
Jess: You moron! Stop them!
Marche: Hey! You promised!
Bonny: Ha-ha-ha! 'Promised'! Oh, Marche, you are priceless.
Bob: Since you are so incapable, I will stop them myself! FIREBALL!

(Bob... fires a fireball but Bonny dodges it.)

Bonny: Too slow, book-worm. SHADOW JUMP!

(Bonny vanishes in a puff of darkness. Everyone circles Bill.)

Bill: Heh. We can be friends, right?

(Bonny appears again.)

Bonny: Oh for... what part of 'jump' did you not understand?
Bill: Oh! I thought you meant the shadow would jump over us!
Bonny: ... *sigh* SHADOW JUMP!

(Bonny and Bill vanish. There is silence for a moment.)

Alex: WHAT THE HECK DID YOU GO AND DO THAT FOR?!?!
Marche: I wanted to get Lora back. It's important.
Jess: How could you be so stupid?! You should NEVER trust bandits, ever!
Bob: Not even you?
Jess: ESPECIALLY not me! I could betray you at any moment, and I might as bloody well after you doing such a STUPID thing as that!
Bob: I think you may be overreacting somewhat.
Jess: Overreacting? OVER reacting?! I might as well be UNDER reacting! We had them completely in our power! We could have easily gotten heaps out of them!!
Marche: It would be wrong of us to take advantage of their capture.
Bob: Besides, I-
Alex: Oh, but it wasn't wrong of them to ROB US BLIND then?!
Bob: Will you be silent? Marche may have may have made a minor error of judgement, but he was still perfectly justified in his actions! To steal from them would have been dishonourable, and additionally illegal. Besides, I highly doubt they would have been carrying anything of real power, or they would not have been captured.
Alex: That's not the point! I'm the leader of this party; I'm supposed to make these kind of decisions!
Bob: Ha! A fine leader indeed! You were the one that 'lead' us here in the first place!
Jess: Hey, don't blame him! You were the one who practically forced himself upon our party anyway!
Marche: Uh, guys? Don't you think you're going a bit off topic?
Alex: Oh, just shut the hell up! Nobody finds your stupid comments amusing! It's a wonder Sugar or whoever the hell you pray to doesn't just smite the crap out of you right now!
Bob: Marche is right, though. Now is not the time to be-
Jess: That's it. I'm leaving.
Bob: Oh... Fine! I will not lend my services to a party of such stubborn fools any longer!

(Bob and Jess storm off.)

Marche: I guess it's just us two again then!
Alex: ...

(Alex walks off.)

Marche: I wonder why it is I have this affect on people?

Marche: Oh well..

(Marche walks off. Later, Jess is standing alone in the forest.)

Jess: *sigh*

(There is a rustling sound (*rustle, rustle*) and Alex walks out.)

Jess: Look, I warned- Oh. It's you.
Alex: Huh? Is something wrong?
Jess: No... it's nothing.

Jess: Alex, why do you let me travel with you?
Alex: Huh? Where'd that come from?
Jess: I was just... wondering.
Alex: Well you're a decent, if sometimes unreliable, fighter, you have some useful skills and you clearly have better organisational skills than Marche or I.
Jess: Yeah... heaven knows you two would be hopeless by yourselves-
Alex: Hey! I resent that.
Jess: Yeah, well, deal. But I'm a rogue. What makes you so sure I won't just take everything and leave? Especially since you've been robbed before.
Alex: I don't know... there's just something... different about you to the Bill and Bonny, or Team Blimp. They took pleasure in what they did. It could just be my imagination, but you don't seem to take that same pleasure in the means, rather the ends only.
Jess: ...
Alex: Also... You could easily leave this party any time. I mean, you could easily steal 500 gold yourself with no trouble. And yet, you stay with us instead. As much as you threaten to leave, I don't think you'd actually do so without a major reason.
Jess: I... 
Alex: Jess, why did you become a rogue?
Jess: What?
Alex: You heard me. I answered your question, so answer mine.
Jess: ... I told you. When I was forced out of my town I didn't have anyone that I could get help from. I had to steal to survive.
Alex: No, I don't think so. Even without any family or friends there are plenty of ways to survive. You could have become an apprentice, joined a guild, offered yourself up as a servant, heck you could have even become a stripper, you've got a body good enough.
Jess: ... I'm sure whether to be insulted or complimented. Just because I'm a thief doesn't mean I don't have *some* moral standards.
Alex: You didn't answer the question.
Jess: I... I can't tell you.

Alex: Okay. I understand.

(Alex turns and starts walking.)

Alex: We'd better go back and rejoin the others.
Jess: Wait!

(Alex turns back.)

Alex: Yes?
Jess: Look... I tried to get a proper job. I tried to join several guilds and even working as a maid...
Alex: A maid? I can't really see you as a maid, somehow.
Jess: Hey! Don't laugh. 
Alex: Sorry...
Jess: Anyway... none of them would let me join. I was cast out onto the streets.
Alex: Why?
Jess: Because...
Jess: I'm a half-elf.

Alex: Oh.
Jess: Oh? Is that it?
Alex: Yes. That does explain why you were forced to become a rogue. I can't imagine what it would be like, but I can guess how bad it would be for you. I knew an elf once in Homtown before, and they were discriminated against a lot. For a half-elf... I can assume it would be worse.
Jess: Yeah... everywhere I went people would just treat me like some kind of an animal. I could manage to hide it from most humans, I took after my mother more than my father, but any elves could sense it easily. 
Alex: But that's all. I'm hardly going to think any different of you now, am I? I never believed all those stupid stereotypes anyway... I'm sure Marche and Bob would think the same.
Jess: No! Please... don't tell them. 
Alex: Okay. I won't. But you should. 

Jess: It was my father you know... he was an elf. He fell in love with my mother... but she didn't care for him. He raped her... and left. When mother gave birth, she couldn't afford to take care of us both, and once the townsfolk found out I was half-elf, they wouldn't help either. Mother had to go back to father, and plead for help. For all those years after she had to pretend she was in love with him, just to survive.
Jess: It was hell having to live in Ruene with mother. The day of the fire was no exception. Mother or I always had to do the beer run, and various other tasks... it was the only way we could stay in the town. 
Alex: Jess...
Jess: Look, forget it. Let's go.
Alex: ...
Jess: And if you mention this to anyone else...
Alex: You'll cut my throat, right.
Jess: And don't you forget it!

(Alex and Jess walk off a bit. Alex stops.)

Alex: By the way...
Jess: Hm?
Alex: The Shining Swordsman Training Centre in Ranplac. That was where I learnt to fight.
Jess: But... that's one of the best training centres in Zazaria! To be trained there would have cost thousands of gold! Marche said your family were only poor farmers!
Alex: Please, don't ask any more.
Jess: ...
Alex: Let's back to the troll camp and start from their. Marche may be a ranger but apparently he never learnt to cover his tracks.

(Alex and Jess walk off.)

[To Be Continued...]