***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Two - I *Knew* I Was Forgetting Something... [A wise man once said: Only the wild should walk on wild side...] (Alex and Marche walk out of the tavern. They walk for a moment, then Alex stops.) Alex: Hey Marche. Tell me something. Marche: Yeah? Alex: Why exactly are you so desperate to come with me as a sidekick anyway? I mean, you don't even know me or anything. Marche: You're a hero! You can't just go out on an adventure by yourself. Alex: I'm not... and why not? I somehow can't see anything dangerous happening to me on a well-travelled road between two villages. Marche: It could... Alex: It's not going to. Marche: Anyway, it wouldn't be right for a hero to go out alone. Who are you going to have pages of witty dialogue with? You can only run into so many humorous NPCs before it just gets pathetic and contrived. Alex: Why do I need witty dialogue? Marche: You just do. Also, it would get lonely travelling alone. You'd get bored. Alex: As apposed to sitting in a bar getting drunk by myself. Marche: Don't you usually have a friend to get drunk with? What about that guy who taught you swordplay? Alex: That was more of a one night thing. Marche: Uh... that sounded wrong. Alex: Whatever. Normally I don't have anyone else there. I just go down and get drunk by myself. (Alex turns away from Marche) Marche: Why? (Alex turns back to Marche) Alex: Look, does it really matter? Damn it, I've just met you, I'm not going to spill my whole life story out. Marche: Ah, leaving the audience in suspense. Alex: No! It's just... look, just drop it okay. Marche: So do you get drunk by yourself because of a broken heart? Alex: Huh? Marche: You know, a lost love. Were you betrayed by the girl of your dreams and left alone, and you go to drink away your sorrows, never again fully putting your trust in anyone else? Alex: Uh... why would you think that? Marche: Ha, so it IS a broken heart! Alex: No! I'm just asking. Marche: Well I'm just guessing. So are you abused by your parents, and you hide in the bar trying to ignore the pain and rebellion that burns deep within you? Alex: No. Marche: Are you secretly in love with Sally and you go there as an excuse to see her, seeing as you can never build the courage to tell her your feelings? I could tell her for you if you like. Alex: NO! Sally's just a friend. She's only been working there for like, a few months anyway. Now would it kill you to stop prying into my personal life? I don't just up and out of nowhere go asking you about your history! Marche: Okay, I'm sorry. I was being rude. Alex: That's okay. I'm just a bit loose-tongued since I haven't had enough beer to drink. Marche: Doesn't that usually happen when you have too much beer? Alex: I wouldn't know. I've never had too much beer. Marche: Oh-kay... and you accuse ME of being an idiot. Alex: Hey! That was a joke. Marche: Oh, right. Ha-ha-ha. Alex: So anyway, at the risk of sounding somewhat hypocritical, why me in particular? I mean, there are probably dozens of other willing heroes you could decide to become a sidekick too, so why try and follow someone who doesn't actually intend to go on a quest? Marche: That's easy. Once I took out all of the heroes that already had sidekicks, the heroes that also used missile weapons and the heroes that smelt *really bad*, you were the closest one. Alex: Gee, thanks. Come on then, let’s get on with it. We'll have to hurry if we want to get to Stelton by sundown. (Alex and Marche walk along the path to the exit of the village. Just as they reach the edge Marche stops.) Marche: Is it because you've been rejected from your family after you ransacked a church or something? Alex: MARCHE! Marche: Okay, okay, gees. (Alex and Marche leave the town. They start walking along a dirt path surrounded by trees and bushes on one side, and the start of mountains and cliffs on the other side. They walk along and pass a sign. They keep walking, and then pass another, suspiciously familiar looking sign.) Alex: Wait... haven't we already passed this sign? Are we lost or something? Marche: On a dirt path? With trees all around the sides to prevent us going anywhere else? We can't GET lost. Alex: Meh. I guess it's probably just a coincidence. (Alex and Marche walk along and come across the same sign again) Marche: Is it just me, or do you get the distinct feeling The Creator was particularly lazy making this scene? Alex: No, not really. Why do you say that? Marche: We've passed that same sign three times! You commented on it yourself before! Alex: Everything is normal. That is a different sign. You're being out of line again. Marche: No I... Oh-no! He's got to you, hasn't he?! (Alex steps toward Marche) Alex: Breaking the fourth wall is bad, Marche. (Marche steps backwards away from Alex) Marche: No, get back! I'll never be just a PC! Fight the powers! Alex: Join us... (Alex steps forwards again) Marche: NO! I will never be silenced! Aaaaaargh! (Fade to black. When the screen fades in again Alex and Marche are walking along the same repeated path.) Marche: Our unlikely heroes... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Off on an adventure... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Gonna slay some monsters... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Gonna find some treasure... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Fighting against evil... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Quest for the greater good... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Gonna earn some glory... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Gonna go 'cause we should... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Journey across the world... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Put our skills to the test... (bom, bom, bom, bom) And when we get back home... (bom, bom, bom, bom) Go to the inn to rest! (bom, bom, bom, bom, BOM!) Our unlikely... (Alex stops, and Marche stops afterwards.) Alex: Gah! For the love of humanity stop! Marche: Aw, come on. I think it's catchy. Alex: It's stupid, that's what it is. Marche: I think it accurately reflects the kind of journey we are going to have. Alex: For the last time, all *I'm* doing is walking to Stelton, getting whatever beer they have left in their supplies, and then walking back to Homtown. I am not going on an adventure or slaying any monsters, though I wouldn't object to stumbling across some treasure. But that's not going to happen. And you know why? Because nothing exciting whatsoever is going to happen! (From behind Marche two bandits dressed in black jump out on either side of him.) Bonny: Your money or your life! Bill: Yeah, your life or your money! Bonny: I just said that, idiot. Bill: Oh right. Sorry. Alex: Well... that was unexpected. Marche: One could almost say... exciting? Alex: No, more of an inconvenience. Marche: An exciting inconvenience? Alex: NO! Bonny: Hey! No talking! Now hand over everything you have or I'll cut your throat! Bill: With her sword! Alex: I... uh... well... I don't actually have anything valuable on me. Marche: Didn't you still have a gold piece from in the tavern? Alex: Shut up! Marche: You were going to pay Sally, remember! Alex: I hate you. Marche: Oh I get it! You're going to bluff them! *ahem* Oh yeah. Nope, he doesn't have anything of use at all. Nothing. Neither do I. But even if I did I wouldn't give it to you. Not that I do of course. Nuh, not at all. Bonny: ... You two are idiots. Bill: So am I! Bonny: ... I am surrounded by idiots. Now, I'm only going to say this one more time. If you don't hand over whatever gold you have, and your bow as well ranger, I'm not going to hold back. For however stupid Bill might be, he's pretty damn fast with his sword. Marche: And...? Bonny: And he'll attack you. Marche And...? Bonny: And you'll be dead. Marche: And..? Bonny: And that's it! I can't say it much more clearly than that! Alex: *sigh*. Okay. Here. (Alex walks up to Bonny, and gives her his gold piece) [You lose 1 gp.] Marche: You're just giving up? What kind of a hero are you?! Alex: One who would like to get out of this alive. Or did you forget the SWORD ON YOUR NECK? Marche: Come on! They're just common highway thugs. We can take them! Alex: I don't even have a weapon! I'd be lucky if I could fight off a newt with my fists! Bonny: Listen to your buddy. You haven't got a hope. Marche: Hmm, you've got a point there. Bonny: Well? Marche: Give me a moment to think about it! Bonny: You've had a moment. Marche: Well... I guess... Bonny: Look, are you going to put up a Marche: Hmm... Uh... Bonny: God give me strength! I swear if you don't- Marche: Alright. I give up. I was just kinda hoping you'd give up and wander off while I thought. Bonny: ... Alex: ... Bill: ... I don't get it. Marche: Here, you can have my bow... [You lose...] Marche: SIKE! You can't really have my bow! Alex: Oh, god... (Zoom in battle-style, then cut to black.) [Several minutes later...] (Alex and Marche are standing next to the sign, leaning against it.) Alex: Well, that worked REALLY well. Not only did you lose all of our gold and items, you also got us bashed to within a hit point of our lives. Marche: I thought if I had the advantage of surprise... (Alex moves slowly away from the sign) Alex: At least it looks like all my limbs are still attached and functioning properly. We'd better head back to town. There's no way we'll make it to Stelton like this. Marche: This is all your fault, you know. Alex: My fault? How is this MY fault? Marche: You’re the one who wanted to just rush out here without any preparation! Alex: This was your idea! Marche: I... I only suggested it. This *wasn't* my fault. Alex: If you say so... Marche: I guess we'd better buy some better protection for our quest, huh? Alex: As much as I hate you referring to this as a quest... Yes, I think we do. (Alex and Marche walk back down the road towards Homtown.) Flowery text: [And now for some subtle foreshadowing!] (You see a large room filled with statues, pictures, and bookshelves. There are two stairways leading up and down, and a large doorway leading out, where two guards stand. Standing next to a strange orb is a person clad in heavy black armour.) Nameless: Everything is going as planned... *cough, cough*. Ugh, I don't feel well. Damn, being an evil mastermind is taxing. GUARDS! Guard #1: Yes master? Nameless: Could you please fetch me some chicken soup? Er... or else! Guard #1: Yes master. (Guard #1 walks out) Nameless: *cough, splutter*. Are you still here? Go away! I'm too ill to do an evil speech now! You people pick the worst moments... Guard #2: Yes master. (Guard #2 walks out) Nameless: Mental note: Hire more vocabulary-able guards. (Nameless walks down the stairway) [To be continued...]