***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Five - The Episode In Which Nothing Exciting Happens Whatsoever*** [A wise man once said: We're doing our best to take some shine off the word 'epic'.] (Alex, Marche and Jess are standing near their set up camp on the Homtown road. A small fire has been built, three sleeping bags are laid out, and the sign is suspiciously missing.) Marche: Our unlikely... Alex: Stop. Right now. Marche: What? Alex: If you two are going to come along with me, I think we need to make some ground rules. Jess: Hey, Marche is the one paying me, I'm going with HIM. Alex: Nevertheless... Okay, rule one. You can, under no circumstances, sing. Marche: Why not? Alex: Do I really have to answer that question? You are about as good at singing as a newt is at donning a cape, growing wings and becoming a super hero. Marche: ... uh, come again? Alex: Not. Marche: I'm not *that* bad. Jess: I'm going to have to go with Alex here. If you start singing one more time, I'm leaving, pay or no pay. Marche: Hmph. Fine. Alex: Next of all, the word 'adventure' is not to be used to refer to this trip, ever. Neither are the words 'quest', 'journey', or any other various synonyms implying this trip is anything more than just that. Jess: Wait... what are you two actually doing? No one has bothered to tell me that yet. Alex: We're going to Stelton to find out why the beer supply has stopped. Jess: That's it? God, that's pathetic. Marche was going on like this was some kind of a... grand campaign or something. Alex: It's not. Nor is it going to be, or be referred to as. Marche: Come on, that's a bit harsh. What if we do end up going on an epic... thing. Alex: Hey, I'm not completely unreasonable. If we ever go on a grand campaign spanning the whole continent of Zazaria, risking our lives for the greater good and fighting against a great and powerful nameless evil, then sure, you can call it that. But a day trip to Stelton: No. Marche: Define 'grand'. Alex: Oh gee, I don't know... MORE than a day trip to Stelton? Marche: Bah, you’re no fun. Alex: Thirdly, you may not break the fourth wall, unless I give specific permission to do so. Those 'The Creator was feeling particularly lazy' jokes are getting really old. [But they're still completely true!] Marche: I am forced to refer you back to my previous argument: Bah. Jess: Wait, fourth wall? The Creator? What the hell are you two on about? Alex: Oh, The Creator is another way to refer to the Creator God, Uutagah. Breaking the fourth wall is slang for taking His name is vain, or using His name in a humorous situation, which is a minor sin in the eyes of the church. Jess: Oh, okay. For a minute there I thought you were implying we were just heroes in some kind of a video game! Alex: Ha, yeah right. 'Heroes in a video game'? Next you'll be saying we're just... I dunno, characters in a video. Jess: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha... Alex: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha... Marche: Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha... Jess: Heh, good one. Now are you two going to cook something or what? I'm getting hungry. Alex: Yeah, I am too. Marche, fetch the supplies. Marche: Uh... what supplies? Alex: The supplies you were supposed to get for our trip. Marche: I thought you were getting those. Alex: Wait... so you didn't get any? Marche: No. Didn't you? Alex: No. Jess: God, why did I agree to go with you idiots? Marche: Because we agreed not to - Jess: That was a rhetorical question. I can't believe you would go out on a trip to another village without even bringing some food. Jess: What, aren't you even going to defend yourselves? Alex: No, I'm going to have to admit you are completely right. It was an incredibly stupid thing of me to rely on Marche to get some supplies instead of just getting some myself. Jess: Well... that was unexpected. I think that's the first time in a few years I've ever heard a man admit they made a mistake. Marche: I wouldn't call it a mistake. Alex: Why not? Marche: I *am* a ranger you know, with some minor skills as a hunter. I can forage for berries, and catch a rabbit at a stretch. I'm sure I can easily get us some food. Jess: I probably could as well. Marche: Legally. Jess: Oh, Right. Never mind then. Alex: ... Marche: Anyway, should I go find some food? Alex: You might as well. There's not too much else to do around this camp. (Marche walks off into the forest) Jess: Do you honestly think he's going to find anything? Alex: No, not really. (Alex fetches some more wood for the campfire.) Alex: Hey Jess, I was wondering... how did you become a rogue? Jess: What's it to you? Alex: I just thought... you know, since you were coming along with us for the moment... Jess: It's none of your business. Besides, I already told you enough. Alex: Huh? Jess: That, what was it, 'sob story'. I wasn't lying you know. Alex: Oh. Why have you been living on your own though? Surely there would be someone to help you. Jess: That's none of you business. Alex: Come on, it can't be that bad. Marche and I only met today and explained how we became our classes. It's sort of a custom for people travelling together. Jess: Oh? And pray tell, how did you become the 'rude idiot' class then? Alex: I'm a swordfighter actually. Jess: I was being sarcastic. Alex: I know you were. I became a swordfighter when somebody taught me the basics one night in the tavern. Jess: Ha. Do you honestly expect anyone to believe *that*? Alex: ... (Jess paces for a while.) Jess: Two and a half years Alex. It's been two and a half years, and not once have I told anyone what really happened. Why should I tell you? Alex: Why shouldn't you? You obviously need to get it off your chest. It may not help whatever happened, but it may at least ease your own pain. Jess: ... Alex: I won’t tell anyone else, not even Marche if you don't want me to. Jess: ... Alex: It's not like I'm going to think much worse of you now after trying to steal my sword. Jess: ... Alex: Now you *are* sounding like the hero of a console RP game. Jess: Heh... Fine. I'll tell you what happened. But if you tell anyone else don't expect to wake up the next morning. I recall the whole incident as though it were a corny video game flashback... (Screen fades out, then becomes faded and old, flashback-style. Jess is standing in a small dirt town, slowly walking.) Voice: My family and I used to live in the small town of Ruene. Ruene was a mountain town, hidden in a valley in the Mt. Flamont. It started like any other day. Each week somebody in the town had to bring a delivery of beer from outside the valley. Technically I wasn't old enough to do it at the time, but the laws weren't very strict there. (Jess reaches the town gate and stops. Two soldiers are pushing a barrel up the path.) Voice: I remember seeing two strange soldiers bringing the beer up to the gates as I was leaving. I thought this was strange, since Beeragon had never bothered to deliver it up this far into the mountains before. The two soldiers seemed to have drunk a bit themselves, and they looked very drunk. (The soldiers push the barrel up the gate. Jess ducks behind a tree.) Voice: I hid behind a tree, and listened to them talking. Soldier #1: Thish sheemsh norsmal to meeeeee... Soldier #2: *hic* He wont be happy if it turnsh out she gots it wrong... Soldier #1: I dunno... Soldier #1: I shtill want another one! Soldier #2: Ha-ha-ha-ha... yeah... Soldier #1: One more wont hurt... theshe people wouldn't have a clue anyway... Soldier #2: Not for long anyway... Soldier #1: Ha-ha-ha-ha... (A strange figure appears behind the soldiers.) Voice: Then the strangest thing happened... Another person came up behind them. I couldn't see him too well from where I was though. Dijano: Hello. Soldier #2: Wah! Who are you? Soldier #1: Whatchu doing sneaking around? That's our job... Ha-ha-ha-ha... Dijano: I am Dijano. Soldier #1: Di-sha-no...? Dijano: I bet your boss wouldn't be happy to find out you've been stealing from him. Soldier #2: We're not shteeeling... Soldier #1: No onesh gonna know... Dijano: The villagers will know. You've drunk quite a lot haven't you? Soldier #1: He won't know if you don't tell him! Dijano: Me? I wouldn't tell him. Soldier #2: You'd better not! Dijano: The villagers might though. Soldier #2: Shtupid villagers... Soldier #1: They don't desherve thish...! Voice: The Dijano person just smiled and then vanished. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I'll never forget that smile... The soldier began arguing afterwards, I didn't pay much attention. Then suddenly they were laughing, a cold, cruel, somewhat intoxicated laugh. I'll never forget that laugh... Hmmm. On further thought I'll probably not forget anything that happened that day. (The soldiers leave the barrel and walk up to the village, suddenly fire appears. The screen fades back out to Alex and Jess at the camp.) Jess: It was horrible... I tried to get back to town to warn everyone, but the fire blocked my path. I was forced to hide in the mountains for several days before I dared venture out again. Many in the village had died, my parents among them. The rest of the village fled the town to go to the nearby city of Rughie. I tried to go with them, but they blamed me for the incident, and attacked me. I fled across the country... With no one to turn to I had to learn to steal to earn a living. Alex: That's... sad. Jess: Sad? That's it? Alex: What do you want me to say? I'm sorry? Jess: No... The least you could do is to tell me how you really learnt swordplay. Alex: I... I told you. I learnt it in the tavern. (Jess turns away.) Jess: I'm not stupid, you know. If two and a half years on the streets has taught me anything, it's to know when someone is bluffing or not. Alex: I'm not lieing! Jess: I can not believe you. All that shit about getting things of your chest... I bare my fucking soul to you, and you still lie to me. Alex: Look, I understand how you feel... Jess: Ha! You wouldn't have a fucking clue! This is why I became a rogue Alex... because of arse-holes like you! Alex: I'm sorry I... (Jess runs off.) Alex: ... I understand better than you know. (Jess is walking in the forest nearby.) Jess: That prick... the sooner I get free from these losers the better... (Jess walks forward and catches sight of a shiny treasure chest under a tree.) Jess: Oh look! A treasure chest! Treasure! (Jess runs next to the treasure chest.) Jess: Wait a second... what the hell is a treasure chest doing out here in the forest? Who in their right mind would hide their treasure here, without even burying it or something? (Jess opens the treasure chest.) Jess: And it's even unlocked! Okay, NOW I'm worried. Who goes around leaving their treasure in large, shiny chests in random locations where anyone could find them? What's the point? Gah, this makes no sense! What if it's a trap? What if this is someone's idea of a joke? (An angel and a devil appear beside Jess.) Angel: Don't take anything! How would you feel if somebody took something of yours? Devil: Ha, like you're ever going to have anything worth taking. You deserve treasure just as much as anybody else, especially after what your town did to you. Angel: But think of the owner of this chest. They never did anything to you did they? Devil: Ah-ha! So you admit what the town did was wrong! Angel: I never said that... Devil: Oh yes you did! Angel: I fear you are gravely mistaken, my evil counterpart. Jess: Uh, guys? Can we get back on topic? Angel: Oh, I am very sorry my dear. Jess: Don't call me dear! Angel: Oh, I am very sorry... Jess. But you should be wary of this chest... it may contain a trap! Devil: Yeah, right. You're just saying that to get her away from the chest! Angel: Unlike you, I would never lie. Devil: Oh yeah? And distorting the truth doesn't count as a lie then? Angel: ... No, technically not. Devil: See! She admits it! She was distorting the truth! Jess: Guys! You're not helping! Angel: As I was saying, the chest may contain a trap. You can never be sure. Devil: You could handle a trap anyday. Besides, the trap would have activated by now if there was one. You are completely safe. Angel: That is a lie! Devil: No it's not. See, a trap would be classified as exciting. Nothing exciting is *allowed* to happen in this episode. Angel: Breaking the fourth wall! Blasphemy! Devil: Honey, I'm evil. It's my JOB to blaspheme. Just as a rogue it is your job to steal things. Angel: A rogue could easily use their skills of picking locks, avoiding traps and stealing for the greater good. Devil: Oh sure, that's what they ALL say. A rogue shouldn't even have a good conscious. Angel: All living beings have at least SOME good in them. It's a divine fact. Devil: Besides, somebody leaving their items in an unguarded chest here is just ASKING for it to be taken. It's practically being given to you. Jess: Well, now I'm just even more confused than before. Devil: How about I present to you this cunning argument... TREASURE! (Jess hits the Angel, who disappears.) Devil: Alright! Score one for... (Jess hits the Devil, who disappears.) Jess: God damned (and also god blessed) conscious counterparts. [You found a potion!] Jess: Hmmm, a mysterious green, goopy looking potion, found in an unlocked and poorly hidden chest... Jess: Meh, it probably heals. (Meanwhile, Nameless is standing behind his orb in his evil lair.) Nameless: Oh yes, take it off... (Tash walks in.) Nameless: Take it ALL off, take - Tash: Uh, master? Nameless: Wah! I uh... I was just watching... a blimp launching. Yes, that's it. I was watching it take off. Tash: A blimp? Nameless: Yes. Tash: Uh-huh... Anyway, I have the report you asked for. Nameless: And what, pray tell, is in this report? Tash: I'm pleased to say, my lord, that the experiments have been successful. The add- Nameless: *ahem*! Tash: What? Nameless: Didn't you listen to me earlier? Do not utter anything that could even slightly indicate the exact type of my evil plans! 'They' could be watching at any time! Tash: Uh-huh... Well, the 'project' has worked perfectly. If anything, a little TOO perfectly. The effect is far stronger than originally intended. Nameless: Excellent. The stronger the better. Tash: I think it may be a tad too strong for your plans. The subjects were having difficulty understanding commands after the test. Nameless: Hmmmm... Execute the next stage nevertheless. We must press on quickly if we wish to remain undetected. Tash: Yes, my lord. Nameless: Heh-heh-heh. In a moderate period of time my plans will be complete, and this pathetic little continent of Zazaria will be under my complete control. And only then will my even more dramatic and drawn out plans come to completion, and those fools will know the true meaning of power... and then I will rule the world! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!! Tash: If I may make a small suggestion, my lord? Nameless: Yes, what is it? Tash: Don't you think your plan sounds a bit too... stereotypical, my lord? Nameless: Shut up. I like it. Tash: Yes, my lord. [To Be Continued...]