***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Seven - Prepare For A Thrashing!***

[A wise man once said: Gold is a universal language ...]

(Alex and Marche are standing outside of the Beeragon factory in Stelton.)

Marche: Right. So to get to farmer Yppig's farm we will need to go north from here, cross the Lost Woods, then follow The road North West.
Alex: Uh, yeah... why did you just say that?
Marche: It doesn't matter.
Alex: Oh-kay... Anyway, we'd better leave soon. The sooner we get out of this hell-hole the better.
Marche: Sounds like a plan, boss.
Alex: Don't call me boss.
Marche: Sounds like a plan, hero.
Alex: Don't call me hero.
Marche: Sounds like - 
Alex: Don't call me *anything*, damn it.
Marche: Sorry, sir.
Alex: ...

(Jess walks up.)

Jess: Hey, are you guys ready to go back yet? I'm sick of this place already, It's depressing, and that guy in the bar kept leering at me.
Marche: Uh...
Alex: See the thing about that is...
Jess: What? I don't suppose you've added a 'save the world' clause in our agreement now?
Alex: No as such...
Marche: So it turns out the beer supply has stopped because the factory can't get any yeast right? The farmer who normally delivers it has disappeared... So we offered our services to find him.
Jess: Argh! I can not believe you! You said I'd just have to come with you back to Homtown!
Alex: Hey, don't blame me. It was his idea.
Marche: Okay, technically I suggested it, but -
Alex: Suggested it? You forced me to come along with you!
Marche: I didn't *force* you to do anything.
Jess: Well you sure as hell aren't forcing me to do anything. You can take your quest and stick it where the sun don't shine. I am not going to save some bloody farmer.
Marche: Oh, that's sad. I guess it's too late to mention the reward then.
Jess: Reward?
Alex: Reward? Marche, what are you -
Marche: Oh, yes. The reward that Gar has put up for finding the missing farmer.
Jess: You're bluffing.
Marche: Fine. There is no reward. But think about it for a moment. Beeragon basically has a monopoly on the beer produced in Zazaria. Thousands of people buy beer made from them on an average day. If the yeast supply is fixed, it will save the factory from a financial disaster. If Gar compensated us even a small portion of the money we'd save him... we'd be rich!
Jess: ... Holy shit, you're right! I am SO coming along with you. I'd never have to steal again!
Marche: See, it's good both financially and morally! ^_^
Alex: Wow, that's possibly the smartest thing you've said during this whole trip.
Jess: Right. Now for our journey we're going to need some supplies and there's no way I'm leaving that up to you two. I'll go get food from the inn. Marche, you go see if you can buy a map anywhere. Alex, go talk to Gar. I want that compensation on a written contract.
Marche: Uh, yes mam!
Alex: Excuse me, since when did you become the leader of this party?
Jess: Just do it. Let's meet back at the north gate in half an hour.

(Jess walks off.)

Marche: You have to admit, she's better organised than you are.
Alex: Meh.

(Alex and Marche walk off. Later, Jess walks out of the inn.)

Jess: That's the food taken care of. Those two idiots had better learn to ration though, 'cause I'll be damned if I have to spend more than a copper coin on food than I need to.

(An NPC emerges from behind several barrels and walks up to Jess.)

????: Interested in treasure are you?
Jess: Who the fuck are you?
????: Name's Isaac. And I couldn't help but overhear your muttering, and I've decided to offer you, yes you!, a very special offer.
Jess: You're trying to sell me something. I'm complaining about not wanting to buy stuff, and you decide to sell me something. I'm afraid I don't see your logic there.
Isaac: Ah, but this isn't just any usual item.
Jess: I'm not interested.
Isaac: Oh, I think you are.
Jess: No, I'm not.
Isaac: You know you are.
Jess: Trust me, I think I know myself well enough to know I really don't care for whatever piece of crap you are trying to flog to me.
Isaac: Ah, but you are. I can see it in your eyes.
Jess: Do my eyes also say you're an idiot?
Isaac: Hold on a sec. Hmmm ... No, no I don't think so.
Jess: ...
Isaac: Anyway, I have a very rare magical item that I am going to make available to you for but a fraction of its true cost!
Jess: If I humour you, will you go away sooner?
Isaac: Probably.
Jess: Oh. Wow. A magic item. Yay.
Isaac: Here, feast your eyes upon its power!
Jess: ... It's just a metal rod with a hook on the end.
Isaac: Ah, but that's where you're wrong, good lady! This is, in fact, a magical key!
Jess: Ri-ight...
Isaac: It is, in fact, the only remaining key to the forbidden realm, an exciting place full of treasure, more treasure than you could possibly dream of!
Jess: Uh-huh. Really.
Isaac: Oh yes! With this key you could find thousands, no, MILLIONS of gold coins! And this infinite treasure could be yours for a mere twenty gold.
Jess: No.
Isaac: Are you sure? You'd rather pass up this opportunity for infinite gold, just because of a small up-front investment?
Jess: Do you even realise I'm a rogue? I could attack you and take the thing anyway, if I honestly thought it were worth the effort.
Isaac: Ah, but this key only works when it has been sold to you!
Jess: If you don't leave now, I'm going to kill you.
Isaac: Only twenty gold! When you realise how foolish you were, just ask for Isaac!

(Isaac quickly leaves.)

Jess: What an idiot. I would have offered it to Marche for fifty.

(Meanwhile, Marche enters a small store and approaches the owner, Penny.)

Marche: Hello.
Penny: HI! What can I do for you!
Marche: I was wondering if you had any maps of the nearby regions I could buy.
Penny: Maps?! Of course we sell maps! What kind of a question is that?!
Marche: Uh, do you have to yell?
Penny: YES!
Marche: ... Why?
Penny: I'm trying to combat the depression in this town by sounding really positive all the time! It's great, isn't it?!
Marche: No, just annoying. Anyway, how much would the map cost?
Penny: It costs five silver, but are you honestly considering going into the wilderness without any potions?!
Marche: Of course not! We have a potion.
Penny: A potion! Between more than one person?! Are you insane?!?!
Marche: Huh? Uh, no I don't think so.
Penny: If you're going into the wilderness you'll DEFINITELY need at least ten potions. Do any of your party have healing moves?
Marche: Uh... I don't think so.
Penny: Better make it twenty to be on the safe side then!
Marche: Why would we need that many potions?
Penny: Well, duh! You're bound to get hurt when you fight monsters!
Marche: I'd rather not fight any 'monsters' actually. I'm against killing.
Penny: It's not like you get a choice, unless you want to run away from everything! And even then you'll get hurt!
Marche: I think you're exaggerating a bit. I mean, we came here and nothing bad happened. Okay there was that one time we got bashed to one hit point by those bandits... but that was it!
Penny: You need potions! Badly!
Marche: Look, I'll ask Alex and Jess about it later. For now though, could I please purchase the previously mentioned map?
Penny: I'm sorry, we're currently out of stock on those. Too many people have left here in search of fame and fortune elsewhere, or at least searched for a decent spot to go kill themselves!
Marche: Gee, how can you say THAT positively... and why the hell did you go on at me about potions?! Couldn't you have just told me you didn't have any up front?
Penny: Duh! I'm trying to make a sale here! YOU try earning a profit in a slowly shrinking town!
Marche: Well... I guess I'll buy a few potions then. Say, five.
Penny: Five?! You need way more than five!!
Marche: Or, I could walk out right now.
Penny: Five potions it is then sir, and have a nice day!

(Marche takes the potions and goes to leave, then doubles back.)

Marche: Hmmm... These healing potions don't look anything like that potion Jess found... Hey shop keep.
Penny: My name's Penny! What is it?!
Marche: What type of potion is this?
Penny: ... I'm not sure! It's nothing I sell here, anyway!
Marche: Okay, thanks.

(Marche leaves. Later, the party reassemble at the north gates.)

Jess: About time. It's been forty minutes.
Alex: Well, sorry. I had to wait in queue. Some of the town's drunks are up, and they weren't looking very happy.
Marche: How come we didn't get a scene of that then?
Alex: Oh yeah, financial negotiations have a *great* potential for humour.

(Earlier that day, Alex stood in Gar's office.)

Gar: I'm sorry, I just can't promise ye more than ay thousand gold coin reward.
Alex: Make it two thousand and we've got a deal.
Gar: Two thousand? We could hire ay whole party o' ranger to track 'im down for that!
Alex: And every one would suck.
Gar: Hmmm, ye've got ay point there. But one thousand it is.

(Back in the present.)

Marche: Why does that guy's accent keep changing?
Alex: Anyway, Gar agreed to put up a reward of one thousand three hundred and ninety two gold coins, plus nine silver coins, one copper coin plus a free barrel of beer for whoever managed to restore the yeast flow.
Jess: That's not *that* much.
Alex: Each.
Jess: Okay then! Let's get going!

(The trio walk northwards, when two people and one chicken suddenly block their path.)

Alex: Huh?
Jess: Hey! Get out of our way. We're on important business!
Marche: Hello! Who are you?
Person #1: Heh-heh-heh...
Person #2: Who are we...
Person #1: Prepare for a thrashing!
Person #2: And an annoying ear-bashing!
Person #1: To kick your arse in a single attack!
Person #2: To prevent ourselves from getting the sack!
Person #1: To keep out back pockets forever full!
Person #2: Though I look it, I'm not actually a tool!
Female Joe: Joe!
Male Joe: My name is also Joe!
F. Joe: Don't mess with Team Blimp or you'll soon regret it!
M. Joe: Yes, we're aware that our motto's pathetic!
Chicken: Chicken! And don't you forget it!

Alex: ... Did that chicken just speak?
Marche: Yes. Yes it did.
Jess: Oh-kay... I'm just going to slowly back away now.
Alex: Good idea.

(The trio back away, and Chicken runs behind them.

Chicken: I don't think so, buddy!
Jess: Oh yeah, I'm *really* scared of a chicken.
Chicken: I'm not just any chicken... I'm The Chicken!
Jess: Uh-huh...
F. Joe: You three are going to hand over all of your valuables...
M. Joe: Or we'll be forced to battle you!
Alex: Hell no. I'm not getting my stuff stollen *again*.
Jess: Do you people actually think you have a chance of robbing us? You DO realise I'm a professional rogue myself, and these two idiots are two adept swordmasters and rangers?
Alex: I'm not sure whether to be complimented or insulted...
F. Joe: Heh-heh-heh...
M. Joe: Those skills won't help you now...
Alex: Uh, why not?
F. Joe: We challenge you to a battle!
Marche: That's the first sensible thing you've said all morning! Bring it on.
Alex: You sound strangely confident.
Marche: I'm probably just still fatigued.
M. Joe: Ah, but not just any battle!
F. Joe: Oh-no. We challenge you... to a summon off!

Alex: A what?
M. Joe: Each of us must summon once monster, and we shall let them fight to determine who shall leave with your valuables!
Alex: Uh, none of us actually know any magic.
F. Joe: Too bad! I choose... Chicken!

(Chicken runs back in front of Joe and Joe.)

Chicken: Chicken!
Jess: What the hell are you talking about? That chicken was here the whole time. You didn't summon it.
F. Joe: Sure we summoned it.
Chicken: They called and I came. That's summoning.
M. Joe: Now choose your monster!
Alex: We don't know how to summon! Nor do we just randomly carry around barnyard animals in case someone wants to have a summon off.
F. Joe: Then you forfeit, and we get to take half of your gold! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Jess: ... Or we could just hack you into little tiny bite-size pieces.

F. Joe: ... We really need a new strategy.
M. Jor: I know! Let's play a card game to determine the fate of your treasure! Or how about we have a spinning top dual!
Jess: ... Come on, let's go. We've got some gold to earn, we can't just stand around all day talking to idiots.
Alex: What do you think you just did?
Jess: ...
Alex: Oh come on, I thought that was a good one.

F. Joe: Hey...
Alex: What?
F. Joe: You don't suppose you could tell us about that whole 'earning gold' thing?
Jess: Excuse me? You just tried to rob us!
Marche: To be fair, they haven't actually attacked us. They could easily find out anyway by asking Gar at the Beeragon factory.
F. Joe: *grin*
M. Joe: *grin*
Chicken: *grin* Chicken.
Alex: Sometimes I hate you, Marche.
F. Joe: Ha-ha! Team Blimp take off at a million miles a day!
M. Joe: We'd beat you all now but we really can't stay!
Chicken: Chicken. In other words, we're running away.

(Joe, Joe and Chicken flee into the city.)

Alex: I swear I'll kill you Marche if they get our pay.
Marche: Come on, that's not a very nice thing to say!
Jess: You know all that bloody rhyming makes you both sound... homosexual.

Alex: I really hope they aren't going to be reoccuring villains.
Jess: I really hope they fall off a cliff and die painfully rather than find Yggip before us.
Marche: I really hope we see them again and get to learn their back-story!
Alex: Damn it, Marche. Why did you have to tell them about the reward?
Marche: It's not fair that we should be the only ones trying to get it! The more people that try to find the farmer, the better the chance that he will be found safe and well.
Jess: I swear, if they manage to find him before us, I will kill you. Now come on, let's get going. The sooner we find Yggip the sooner we get our gold.
Marche: Yay, nothing like two death threats from fellow party members to really motivate someone!

(Marche begins walking north.)

Jess: Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out whether he was being serious or not.
Alex: It's best not to dwell on it.

[To Be Continued...]