***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Eight - Close Encounters of the Random Kind*** [A wise man once said: It's not *supposed* to make sense.] [World Map mode is now available.] (Alex, Marche and Jess are standing in the world map, next to the town of Stelton. Jess looks around.) Marche: Yes! World Map mode! No more walking along grubby paths! No more sleeping out in the open! No more stupid day long trips! Jess: ... Is it just my imagination, or did everything just shrink? Alex: Uh, that was somewhat unexpected. Marche: Ha-ha! Haven't you ever heard of this before? Jess: No. Alex: Yes! You told me four times yesterday! Marche: Anyway, we have actually... grown! It's a special ability that resides within all humans: the ability to grow to sizes of epic proportions when travelling long distances. It lays dormant in all those except the few that Uutagah blesses to become heroes. Jess: ... I don't get it. Alex: Basically heroes get to travel further, faster than normal people. Jess: Ri-ight... So that trip that took us a whole day to complete before now only takes about three steps? Alex: Yes, apparently. Jess: Doesn't that mean we are actually standing several miles away from each other at the moment? Alex: I guess... Jess: Wouldn't that mean that we also talked much louder than before? Alex: ... Yes, I suppose. Jess: So why can't everyone nearby hear us? Alex: Uh... Jess: And why don't we accidentally squash anyone? Or for that matter, why can't everyone within a ten mile radius *see* us? Alex: ... Jess: And if we're larger, wouldn't we need to eat more? Marche: Technically, we don't need to eat at all. Jess: Or - Alex: Okay! We get the point! It doesn't make any sense! You can ask Uutagah himself if you ever see him! Just stop going on about it! (Marche walks to Homtown, stops, then walks back to Stelton.) Marche: Hee-hee, this is fun. Now I'm in Stelton... (Marche walks to Homtown, and keeps walking back and forth.) Marche: ... now I'm in Homtown! Jess: You realise if what you're saying is true that does make you heroes, which would mean you were out on an adventure right? Alex: I'm trying to ignore that for now, and hope that Marche doesn't catch on. Marche: ... now I'm in Stelton! Ha-ha! This is awesome! This is great! There's no possible downside! We're safe from bandits, safe from hunger... there is nothing that could even remotely be considered - (The screen pixelates, battle-style. A moment later Alex, Marche and Jess find themselves in battle with a green slimy round thing.) Marche: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Eh-heh. Jess: Wha- what the heck is that thing? Alex: It appears to be some kind of a green, blobby thing. Jess: And... where did this 'blobby' come from? Marche: It's a random encounter. I *knew* there was a downside to World Map mode... we could be attacked *at any time*! Jess: What, *exactly*, is a random encounter? Marche: If we walk around in the wilderness occasionally, and randomly, a monster, or group thereof, will attack us for food, for gold, or, alternatively, for no real reason at all. Alex: Okay, just going a *bit* overboard with commas use there, Marche. Jess: Hey, weren't we larger a minute ago? Marche: Yeah... why do you think it's so easy for various monsters to find and attack us? Jess: I meant... we're not large anymore. That would have helped fighting somewhat. Marche: Are we travelling anymore? Jess: Well, no, but... Marche: Exactly. (The blobby attacks Marche.) Alex: Uh, guys? Can we save this explanation for when we're NOT in the middle of battle? Marche: Yeah, good point. It's my turn. Jess: Turn? Marche: We take turns attacking. Jess: Why? Can't we just all bash it up at once? Marche: No! We might risk getting out weapons tangled, or accidently hit each other. Alex: Swords and bow are hardly going to get tangled. Marche: They might. Jess: That doesn't even make any sense! I've been using these knives for years, I'm not about to make such a stupid mistake as that! Marche: You might. Anyway, it's not my fault. Those are the rules. Jess: Rules?! What rules are you talking about?! Marche: The rules for combat, as set down by The Creator over ten thousand years ago. Jess: I'm a rogue. The whole point of rogues is to break rules and laws. Marche: You can't break these ones. Jess: This is just stupid. Marche: Stupid... but fun! (The blobby attacks Jess.) Alex: Excuse me? Marche? Any time today would be appreciated. Jess: How come IT doesn't have to wait for its turn? Marche: Hmm, I guess we've been so verbose that it counted as our turn. Jess: Then attack it! Marche: Okay! Let's take down this vicious monster! Alex: You mean this blobby. It's like, the weakest monster. Ever. In the whole land of Zazaria. Marche: Don't underestimate them. One of my best friends was killed by a blobby... Alex: Really? Marche: Well, more knocked unconscious, but you know. Jess: How the heck does ANYONE get killed by this thing? I mean, we've been attacked twice and we're barely scratched. Marche: Battle mechanics don't apply in a cut scene... (The blobby attacks Alex.) Alex: God damn it, Marche! Marche: Okay! Gees. (Marche attacks the blobby and does 8 damage.) Marche: Ha-ha! Just four more attacks and it will be defeated! Alex: That thing has that much HP?! Isn't that a bit much for a starting monster? Marche: Yeah, but its attack sucks. (The blobby attacks Alex for one HP damage.) Alex: No shit. Marche: Anyway, it's your turn Jess! (Jess attacks with two knives and does 0 damage.) Jess: What the hell?! It just absorbed my attack! Alex: Meh, you're a rogue. Your attack sucks. Jess: But I sliced it! Twice! Marche: Well, you ARE a girl as well. Jess: Hey! Do you want me to slice you instead?! Alex: Oh, he's sorry, he didn’t mean it. You're not really a girl. Jess: Ah-hah. Hilarious. Marche: It is a bit odd though... A level one female human rogue wielding two knives of that type against a blobby should be doing about... ...two damage at blow. Jess: ... and you just worked that out in your head? Alex: He's good with this kind of thing. Well, usually... Marche: What do you mean, 'usually'? Alex: *coughbanditscough* Marche: Oh, right... Jess: Anyway... Isn't it your 'turn' Alex? Alex: Yeah. (Alex attacks the blobby and does 27 HP damage.) Alex: Oh hell yeah. This sword is so much better than your bow. Marche: Bah, just because they didn't sell any good ones in Homtown... Alex: You could have got a new one in Stelton you know. Marche: In that dirt hole? I doubt it. Besides, the only bow I really want to use is Lora. (Marche attacks the blobby and misses.) Marche: Curses. I missed. Jess: What?! You hit it! Your arrow flew straight into it! What do you mean you missed it?! Alex: Jess... don't even try to fathom the workings of the Creator. Jess: But it hit the thing! This makes no logical sense, and that's final. Marche: Okay, it didn't hit it hard enough to count. Is that logical enough for you? Jess: No. Marche: Okay, this is getting boring. Let's just kill this stupid thing. Jess: Alright... but my attack isn't doing any damage at all. What am I supposed to do? Alex: Defend? Don't you have techs? Jess: Techs...? Alex: Techniques? Skills? Special moves and/or powers? Cool looking abilities to kill monsters with? Anything? Jess: No, not really. Marche: Yeah, you do! It says so on the screen! Jess: ... screen? Alex: (If you pretend to have a clue what he's on about he'll shut up sooner.) Marche: You can use rogue skills! Try stealing something! Jess: ... from a blobby?! Why would a blobby be carrying anything? More to the point, HOW would a blobby carry anything anyway? Marche: Everything carries gold coins. It's like, a universal language. Alex: That sounds strangely wise... (The blobby attacks Alex.) Alex: Why does this blobby keep attacking randomly? You'd think it would focus its attacks on Jess, she's the weak one. Jess: Do you *want* me to slit your throat or something? Marche: Poor AI probably. Alex: You know, all this breaking the fourth wall is going to land you in trouble one day. Marche: Hmmm... (Four gods are standing in the Mystic Plane, four gods are staring into a pool of magical holy water.) Fubar: The unbeliever blasphemes again! Let's smite him. Sugar: Ugh, you and your smiting. Don't you ever get bored of it? Fubar: Bored? You have got to be kidding me! It's HEAPS of fun smiting pathetic little infidels. Sugar: It's cruel! Fubar: So is blaspheming. My heart aches with every word spoken against Uutagah... Sugar: Yeah right, Fubar. Just because you're the god of chaos doesn't give you the right to harm people! Fubar: Actually, that is the whole POINT of being a god of chaos. Unlike you, miss prissy 'Oh, my name is Sugar! I'm the god of all that is good! La-la-la-la! Let's all eat a orange! Hurray!' Nuttin: Do you two have to argue all the time? Why not just let them be? Fubar: Oh-no, don't YOU get into this. You never do ANYTHING. How boring. Nuttin: That's not true! Fubar: Oh yeah? When was the last time YOU smote anyone? Nuttin: I feel no need to smite anyone, just as a feel no need to reward them for repeating meaningless phrases each night. Fubar: In other words, you never feel like anything. Lazy, lazy, Nuttin, head all full of stuffin’, can't smite without puffin... Sugar: Oh, not that again. An eternity in heaven and that's the best rhyme you can come up with? Fubar: Well *I* like it. Now, are we going to smite this loser or what? Sugar: No. Nuttin: No. Fubar: Oh, come on. We haven't had a good smiting in years. Nothing like a few divine deaths to make people really respect you. Come on, Uutagah. Let's smite the whole party. Uutagah: Hmmm... respect for the gods has been down lately... Uutagah: No, I don't think we should smite him. As foolish as he is, he has a future role far more important than you realise. To punish him now may deter him from his true path. Fubar: We're omniscient. How can we NOT realise something? Uutagah: There are some things even the gods can't fully know... Fubar: Can we at least smite the girl? Uutagah: No. (Back in the battle...) Marche: Nah, I doubt it. Alex: Well anyway, let's finish this. (Alex, Marche and Jess begin attacking the blobby, but the blobby uses 'regenerate', restoring 50 HP.) Jess: Huh? What did it just do? Marche: Hmmm, this blobby seems to have a special move. It's restored its own health. Alex: Damn thing. Come on, it's got to run out of magic eventually. (Alex, Marche and Jess keep attacking, but the blobby keeps using regenerate. The screen fades to black, then fades in again. The blobby uses regenerate.) Alex: ARGH! Why won't this stupid thing DIE?! Marche: Huh, I guess regenerate also regenerates the magic that it uses... Alex: That is WAY too overpowered for a beginning random encounter. Just how the hell are we going to kill it? Jess: We could always... NOT kill it. I mean, why do we actually have to kill it? We just found it hiding in the grass. It would be lucky if it could move at half our speed. Alex: Run away from a stupid blobby? No way! Marche: Yeah, and we need the experience. Jess: Don't we get experience just fighting the thing? Marche: No. Jess: And is there any particular reason we couldn't get experience, say, training? Or fighting each other? Marche: It's not the same thing. You only *really* get experience actually killing something. Alex: I thought you were against killing. Marche: I am. But it's not like a get choice with random encounters is it? Jess: Yeah you do! You could run away! Marche: And additionally, I'll need to be stronger for any boss battles. You can't run away from them! Alex: Marche, what kind of boss battles are we going to have? Seriously, you need to get this whole thing back into proportion. We're not on a grand adventure, we're not heroes, and we're not on a quest. (The blobby attacks Alex.) Alex: Uutagah damn it, somebody kill that thing! Marche: Hey, you have to get a critical hit eventually. (Alex, Marche and Jess attack the blobby, and it runs away.) Jess: Oh, just great. We spend forever fighting that thing, and it runs away. Can't we chase after it or something? Marche: No. Alex: Damn it. (Nameless is standing in front of his orb in his lair, with three of his minions in front of him.) Nameless: Would someone mind explaining how you could be so STUPID as to let it fall into their hands?! Guy: I did nothing wrong! I did just what I was told to do! Tash: I told you to hide it! Guy: I did hide it. Tash: You didn't hide it! You couldn't have made it more obvious if you slapped a magic flashing neon sign on it! Shade: They haven't been invented yet, Tash. Tash: Yeah well, I'm working on the prototype. Guy: It was hidden very good! You should - Nameless: SILENCE! I do not care whose fault it was, you shall both be punished appropriately! Shade: Though I would never dare question your wisdom master, I would wonder as to why I am here. I feel I had nothing to do with this... unfortunate business. Nameless: You shall be informed shortly. Now tell me, Tash. What is the chance the group could discover its true purpose? Tash: I think it very unlikely, my lord. Even if they were to use it, it is unlikely they would recognise the effects or even relate it back to the item. Nameless: They had better not. If our plans are exposed at this stage it will make things much more difficult later. Tash: This is all your fault, you stupid oaf. Guy: Hey! You no insult Guy, or I'll crush your weak little skull! Tash: Oh, so actually *know* what - Nameless: I SAID SILENCE! Tash, Guy you may leave. (Tash and Guy leave the room.) Nameless: Now... I have a new task for you. Pray you do not fail it like those two fools. Shade: I shall do only my best to serve you, master. Nameless: I want you to follow the group. Watch them well, but do not reveal yourself to them. Shade: Shall I... terminate them, master? Nameless: ... (Nameless turns away for a moment.) Nameless: No. Allow them to live. Protect them in necessary. Shade: Are you sure that is wise? They may prove problematic. Nameless: Do not question me! I have my reasons. Shade: Yes, master. Nameless: You may leave at once. (Shade leaves the room.) Nameless: Alex, Marche and Jess... Nameless: Hmm. (Nameless walks upstairs.) (Meanwhile, the blobby is in the forest next to Homtown road.) Blobby: {Stupid adventurers... think they're so superior... no respect...} Blobby: {Well, screw them! I'll MAKE them respect me! Just because I'm a random encounter doesn't make me any less of a character than they are! I deserve a creative personality and a mysterious back-story! I deserve to travel around the country on exciting and mildly humorous adventures! Why should all blobbies be hunted down and killed just for experience, and because our stomachs contain our staple diet of gold coins? We deserve better treatment! I'll show those stupid humans that just because we start off weaker does NOT mean we are less than they are! Each and every foolish adventurer shall be bathed in their own blood before I am finished with them!! Blobbies forever!!!} Chicken: Uh, you guys don't even *exist* until heroes find you. Shouldn't you actually be grateful towards them? (The blobby jumps and turns around. Chicken is standing behind him.) Blobby: {Shut up. And since when could chickens talk?} Chicken: Nah-nah, I'm an important and mysterious NPC and you're just a random encounter! Ha-ha! Blobby: {Oh, that is it! You shall be the first to suffer!} (Blobby moves forward to chicken, who runs off.) Blobby: {Curses. I'll deal with it later. Now, to begin planning my... uh, plans...} [To Be Continued...]