***Really Pathetic Genre - Episode Nine - Utterly, Utterly Lost*** [A wise man once said: If you aren't lost, you aren't travelling.] (Alex stands on Stelton in the World Map.) Jess: Huh? Where am I?! I'm not here anymore! Marche: What? No, you're still here. Jess: I can't see myself! Or you either, Marche. Marche: Yeah, so? Jess: We've disappeared! Alex: You haven't disappeared. It's just because you are so close in front of me that you can only see one person from a distance. It makes sense if you think about it. Marche: *snicker* Alex: ... Which would make you equally close behind me. Marche: Wah! (Marche appears behind Alex.) Alex: ... Jess: Come on you two, let's get moving. I don't want anyone else to get our gold before we do. Marche: Yeah, okay. But I'd like to be in front of Jess from now on. Eh-heh-heh. Jess: First, note these twin knives in my hands. Marche: Duly noted. (Marche disappears again. Alex steps forward and enters the Lost Woods.) Jess: Huh? We've shrunk again, and we're still travelling. What's up with that? Marche: We can't stay large like that when crossing any kind of terrain feature, special encounter or dungeon. Jess: Why not? What the heck is the point of the World Map if we can't even go over these stupid woods?! Marche: Don't worry, we only have to cross the woods once before we can just skip them. Jess: Why? Marche: Well it would be pretty boring crossing it twice wouldn't it? Jess: Why should we even have to cross it once?! Marche: So we know the lay-out. We can't skip it if we don't know exactly what 'it' is. Jess: ... That also makes no sense. I swear, if somebody doesn't give me a decent explanation for this crazy thing right now, I will quit this stupid party and go find that idiot Yggip on my own. Alex: Uh... Marche: Well... (Suddenly a random encounter occurs. The party find themselves in combat against a frog.) Marche: Oh look! A distr- er, I mean, a frog! Let's forget whatever we're doing and kill it! Alex: Sounds like a plan! Jess: ... (The frog attacks.) Jess: That's a pretty weird looking frog. Marche: It's not just any frog... it's an Evil Giant Frog! Of DOOM! Jess: So... why is it attacking us? Marche: Because it's evil. Jess: And why is it evil? Marche: Because it's attacking us. Jess: ... (Alex and Marche attack, but they both miss and the frog attacks again.) Alex: Okay, this sucks. We missed. That frog must have some kind of high agility or something. Marche: Or, we could just suck. Alex: No, I like my explanation better. Jess: Heh, move out of the way. I'll show you how well this 'girl' can do now. (Jess attacks twice (getting one critical hit) and damages to frog.) Jess: Ha! Alex: Nice. (The frog attacks and Alex misses again.) Alex: Damn it! We're never going to be able to beat it at this rate... Marche: Hmmm, you're right. If this keeps up we aren't going to be able to defeat it by attacking. Jess: Just how else are we supposed to beat it? Sing at it? Marche: Actually now that you mention it, I have this really cool tech that - Alex: NO. Marche: Okay, fine. But Alex and I are going to have to use out special techs to hit it. Jess: Your techs? Alex: Yeah. We all have unique techniques and skills that we learn as we gain experience. At the moment I can use 'Careful blow'. It does less damage, but at least I should hit the thing. Marche: And I have 'Take Aim', a high accuracy but low damage attack! Jess: ... Aren't they basically the same thing? Marche: No! All techs are unique. Jess: But they effectively do the same thing. Marche: No they don't. Mine uses a bow, and is technically slightly more accurate than Alex's. Jess: If you say so... Alex: Let's take this thing! (Alex and Marche start using techs, and Jess keeps attacking.) [The battle rages...] (Jess waits for her T bar to fill up.) Marche: Jess! It's your turn! You should be able to defeat it this turn! Jess: About time. I swear, most of this 'raging battle' I've just spent waiting. (Jess attacks twice, and the frog is killed.) [Victory! You've defeat the Evil Giant Frog! You find four gold coins! You find a frogspawn! You find nothing else! You gain 500 experience points! Alex reaches level 2! Alex learns Sure Attack! Marche reaches level 2! Jess reaches level 2!] (The party appears back in the Lost Woods.) Jess: Finally! That was just about as long as the battle itself! Alex: Tell me about it, holding that victory pose was killing me. Jess: And talking of other things that are killing me... We're on low health. Marche, you'd better have brought those potions I told you to. Marche: Of course I did! What do you take me for, some kind of unreliable idiot? Alex: ... Jess: ... Alex: I'll just get them out, shall I? (Alex goes into the menu screen, and uses all five potions on the party.) Marche: Mmmm, chocolate flavoured. Jess: I don't suppose you would care to explain just how you used the potion on me, without me actually drinking it? Alex: No. Jess: You could at least have bought the diet version. Marche: NO. (The party walk off. The screen fades to black, and the party are in another section of the woods.) [Time passes...] Jess: Tell me. Honestly. We're lost, aren't we? Marche: Not as such... Alex: Damn it Marche, you're a ranger. You're supposed to be good at this kind of thing. Marche: To be fair, I am only level two. Alex: So? Rangers are supposed to be at home in the woods. They should be able to find food, speak with animals, find their way home by just the stars etcetera, etcetera. Marche: I can find food. Alex: Funny, last time you tried to find food you just came back with, what was it? Oh yes, I remember now, NOTHING. Marche: That's just because I was diverted. Alex: Diverted? How where you diverted? (Flashback: Marche is standing in a section of forest of Homtown road, near the chest Jess emptied.) Marche: Okay, food, food, food. If I were some food, where would I be? Marche: Oh look! A chest! Marche: Aw... it's already empty. Now, what was I doing? Marche: And why was I doing it? Marche: And on that point, where am I? Marche: And who am I? Marche: ... Marche: Oh look! A cute dog! Whee-hee! (End flashback.) Marche: Actually, never mind. Additionally, I can speak with animals. Alex: What animals? Marche: Well, technically humans are classified as animals... Alex: Right... I suppose you've got an excuse for the star-reading thing too then? Marche: It's DAY, Alex. Jess: And we're LOST, Marche! God, all you have to do is keep walking in the same direction! Is that so hard? Marche: No. Anyway, it's not my fault this dungeon is so open. Jess: Dungeon. What the hell. This is a wood. Marche: Yeah, but in video game terms the word 'dungeon' can be used for just about any place that isn't a town or the world map. Jess: ... A dungeon is supposed to be an underground cell. Marche: Oh sure, in the traditional sense. Jess: What do you mean 'traditional sense'? What other kind of 'sense' is there? Marche: Well, it's different for heroes on a Alex: Marche! For the last time! We are NOT heroes! We are NOT on a quest! Marche: OR ARE WE?! Alex: No. No we're not. Marche: Oh really? I think it's time to settle this once and for all! Alex: Huh? What do you - (Marche goes to the menu screen, and uses 'dictionary' item.) [Quest: Noun, The act of seeking or searching for something.] Marche: See. We're searching for Yggip, so this a quest. Alex: ... Have you been carrying that with you the whole time? Marche: I bought it in Stelton. It was on sale and everything! Jess: So, uh, are we going to get moving or what? Alex: Yeah, you're right. I think *I'll* be leading this time though. Jess: You know, you never did explain to me why we had to - Voice: YOU'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! Alex: Uh, that was somewhat unexpected. (The party walk north to find Hallet in a clearing, next to a campfire.) Hallet: Listen, travellers!! Ye must repent, for ye hath sinned in His eyes, and thine retribution is nigh! Jess: Oh great. A nutcase. Alex: Even worse... a doomsday nutcase. Jess: I've got a great idea! Let's not go this way. Alex: Good idea. (Alex and Jess step away, while Marche steps forward.) Marche: Really? Tell me more! (Alex and Jess glance at each other, then look back at Marche.) Alex: ... Jess: ... Hallet: I have been cursed by Uutagah to see the future that awaits us all! Soon, very soon, flames shall engulf the land! Zazaria shall be thrown into war, hidden monsters shall roam the land freely, and the demon hoards of hell shall walk free on the earth! Ye are all doomed to perish, and DIE!!! Marche: Oh. Is Alex going to die as well? Hallet: Nothing can avert his fate! Ye shall all be destroyed at the hands of chaos! Marche: Oh, sorry about that Alex. What about Jess? Hallet: The one ye call Jess shall also be obliterated, along with the rest of ye! Marche: That's a shame; I was getting to enjoy her company. What about me? Hallet: YOU SHALL *ALL* DIE!!! Marche: Oh, right. Marche: So... what about Dad? Hallet: Hmmm... Let me meditate on that for a moment... Hallet: Nope, he shall also die. Was there anything else you wanted to know about the world's upcoming destruction? Jess: NO! Marche: Aw, come on. This is our death we're talking about. Aren't you even slightly curious? (Alex and Jess look at each other, then walk forward and haul Marche away.) Hallet: Have ye a nice day! AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-heh-heh... heh... Oh, I am so alone. [More time passes...] (The party are wandering in yet another section of the woods.) Marche: Congratulations, Alex. You've managed to get us even more lost than I did. Alex: Oh, shut up. Jess: Seriously, this quest is taking forever. I'm never going to get my gold at this rate. Marche: *grin* Yeah, this QUEST sure is taking a long time. If were just QUESTing a bit faster, our QUEST would be over sooner though. Jess: *also grin* It would be a lot quicker if we were all eQUESTrians. You know, and enough money to buy horses. Marche: You know how to ride? Jess: Yeah. Learning to ride well is hardly a great conQUEST. Marche: Maybe you should beQUEST upon me that talent some time. Alex: Damn it, stop rubbing it in. I admit I was wrong. This is a quest. Just drop it okay? Marche: Just one, QUESTion though, Alex... What would that make us? Alex: *sigh* Heroes. Marche: Hee-hee, I've been waiting nine episodes to here you say that. Jess: Also, I'd like to reQUEST an inQUEST of my own. Alex: ... What? Jess: You never told me WHY we had to travel - (Suddenly a random encounter starts, against seven Evil Giant Frogs.) Jess: How irritatingly convenient. Marche: Oh no! There are... uh... wait a moment... plus one is... carry the six... squared by pi... factorise the denominator... to the power of half the radius... arbitrarily divide by two... neglect the remainder... eight of them! Alex: Oh great. EIGHT Evil Giant Frogs. Marche: Of doom! Jess: Man... We could barely take on one of them. How are we supposed to fight eight?! Marche: Well, according to my equations, if we needed to use five potions after fighting one, and we don't have any potions any more... factoring in Alex's new tech... considering our slightly increased strength... my verbosity... Jess's increased Irritation stat... Alex: We're fucked. Marche: Well I suppose you COULD put it like that... But if we focus our attacks on the back row while Jess covers us from attack... Jess: Allow me to present you with an alternative strategy: We run away. Alex: Works for me. (Alex tries to flee, but fails.) Jess: Fail to escape? Fail to escape?! How can we fail to escape! Those Evil Giant Frogs - Marche: Of doom! Alex: Damn it Marche, does it really matter? Marche: Yes, it does. Alex: WHY?! Marche: I pray only you need not find out. Jess: *ahem*! - are slower than us, there's nothing but space behind us and we're already ten feet away from them... Come to think of it, how can we be fighting from this distance anyway? Marche: Shockwaves. Jess: Uh, right. Alex: Jess! Less thinking, more running! (Jess flees. The party are in the woods, and run away into a cave.) Alex: Whew, we should be safe in here. Marche: Watch out, behind you! (The screen pixelates, random encounter style, then stops.) Marche: SIKE! There's not really anything behind you! Ah-ha-ha! Alex: ... That's kind of getting old Marche. Marche: Anyway, I'm sure monsters usually just cease to exist when a battle ends. Alex: Apparently not in this game. Marche: I think I liked it better when it made less sense. Jess: This sucks. We're never going to find Yggip at this rate. Marche: Look on the bright side... who's to say Yggip isn't in this cave? Jess: That would be incredibly contrived. Marche: Exactly. Alex: Anyway, we can't leave here until those monsters are gone, or we've levelled up. Marche: If we can't leave for now, we might as well see where this mysterious passage leads. And if I'm right, it actually leads in the right direction to get to Yggips's farm! Jess: So we're doomed then. (The party walk into the cave. After some time they come across a small dug-out chamber, with two other exits. Bob is there, reading a book.) [Even more time passes...] Marche: Hello! Who are you? Alex: Do you *have* to greet every person we pass? Bob: Who wants to know? Marche: I can't speak for the other two... Alex: Damn straight you can't. Marche: ... but I'm Marche, a Ranger from Homtown. Bob: Why have you come to disturb my peace? Alex: We're just passing through. Marche: We're off on a quest! Bob: Oh really. How interesting. Now leave before I incinerate you. Marche: Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly. Bob: And I'm just trying to study. Now LEAVE. Marche: What are you studying? Alex: Marche, perhaps now would be a good time to leave. Has it occurred to you that not every person we encounter WANTS to have a conversation? Bob: Indeed. But since you are SO interested, I'm studying a Lesser Tome of Dark Conjurations. Amazingly, this tome contains spells that could, for example, choke you before you had a chance to draw one last breath. Jess: Hey... Bob: What? Jess: I've heard of that spell. Alex: How would you have heard of a spell like that? You're a rogue, not a mage. Jess: Uh, my mother mentioned it once. Anyway, doesn't it require frogspawn as a component for casting? Bob: ... Bob: Hmm. So it does. What of it? Jess: Well, we happen to have some frogspawn! Bob: As it happens, I am in need of some. Tell me, girl, how much would you be willing to part with it for? Jess: Oh, it was hard to get it. It would have to be a pretty high price. Bob: Ha. Mere monetary costs are of no concern to me. Alex: So your father is paying for this trip then? Bob: He- Shut up. Alex: Ha, I thought so! Bob: ... Jess: Let's say... ten gold a gram. Bob: I have a better idea. You give me the frogspawn and I resist the temptation to burn to you all for disturbing me. Marche: Hmmm... Accepted. Jess: No! Alex: Jess, we don't even *need* the frogspawn. The only possible use it has is for just a contrived situation as this one. Jess: Fine. Bob: Good, then - Marche: BUT! Bob: ... but, what? Marche: But you have to tell us your back-story. Bob: No. Marche: Accepted. (Jess walks up and gives Bob the frogspawn.) Alex: Come on, let's keep going. Jess: Hmph. I demand monetary compensation for the loss of my cut of that frogspawn. (The group start walking off.) Bob: By the way... Alex: What? Bob: You look like a moderately capable group. I am here seeking the Tome of Masterful Illusions on my father's command. If you happen to hear anything of its whereabouts, I will pay you for the information. If I am here no longer, head for the tower North-West of here and ask for Bob. Marche: Of course! (The group walk off.) Marche: Yes! A pointless and utterly unrelated side quest! Jess: Yes! An easy way to earn some gold! Alex: I hate you both. [You would not BELIEVE how much time...] [Oh, wait. This is the end of the episode. It doesn't really matter.] [Nevermind.] [To Be Continued...]